The Slick Adventures of Downtown Girl

From First-To-Second Year

2008-05-19T16:16:00.000-07:00

The First Year of My Medical Training: Completed!

I am very excited, nostalgic, sad, relieved and happy that the year is over. You can't imagine the amount of papers that now clutter my little one bedroom apartment near my medical school. Luckily they are bounded by rubber bands and stacked, but they look like the sad little innards of textbooks that I will probably never read. Speaking of text books I have a bookcase full and three more years to go. Looks like I'll need another bookcase really soon. What a nerd.

I've found that it is hard to be at the computer after I spend so much time on it doing work. After a while my eyes cannot even look at the screen. Oh, internets--there used to be a day when using the computer was fun. Unfortunately not anymore.

I look up and find the world changing--stars that I didn't even know were dating are married, having babies, there is a tsunami killing people, Barack and Hillary are at each other's throats. Being in medical school is like being in a time machine sometimes--it is possible to be so immersed in doctor training land that outside world stuff cannot have any space in "prime-time" brain space.

Right now I am sitting at a Panera Bread, enjoying the free (fast) wi-fi and trying to not eat any bakery treats. This year I managed to not gain any weight, but due to the fact that medical school foiled my workout plans, I didn't lose any weight either. The goal for year two is to get on the ball with some physical activity 6 days a week like we recommend to other people. Hypocrisy be damned, you know. I'm working on little personal projects, uploading pictures from events to email to people and paste on Facebook, putting together little photo albums that Shutterfly will dutifully mail to friends and family. Meaning I don't have to fuss with photo corners or scalloped edge scissors or what have you.

More to come later as I have this summer off from classes to do some research, un-pile my apartment, drink alcohol and convince the next class of MCAT hopefuls that they are doing the right thing.

As always love until later,
K

Happy New Year before Valentine's Day

2008-01-28T21:42:00.000-08:00

Hi, blogosphere:

I can't believe it is 2008! To those of you who are still out there reading "The Slick Adventures of Downtown Girl", thank you. First-year of medical school has made me no longer "downtown" or "slick" and has certainly left little time for blogging (or laundry, or grocery-shopping or exercise, or sleep...). Case in point: It is 11:30 at night and I just got home from school. I am enjoying things greatly but everything at school is really time-consuming. Here's the life overview from various points:

1. Medical School
Going well, did fine in Anatomy. Now have Physiology, with first test coming up early next week (yikes!). Am set for summer research which should be really amazing and interesting--working on papers so I can get paid. Money would be good. Have reapplied for private scholarship for year 2, need to do taxes and FAFSA again. Am still teaching and tutoring sciences on the side.

2. Family
Continued excellent relationship with my mom, which thankfully came in handy when my grandmother fell and hurt herself over the holiday break, prompting a SECOND unexpected trip home over winter break. Things are fine and thank God, everyone is well now but that was very stressful for awhile.

3. Friends
Doing well with friends, considering that I only see friends that don't go to medical school maybe 1x a month if lucky. (Okay...maybe 2x.) As soon as you are squeezed for an additional 10 hours a week, the going and coming to visit other people kind of drops away. And they can only visit you at odd hours and times.

4. Love
After a year and a few months, R and I are still doing great. We are going through a phase in our relationship which I think is kind of a test--he is quitting smoking so is irritable, I am struggling through the second semester of first-year. It is freezing cold here, too. Despite these things we are kind and loving to each other 99.9% of the time. We had our first real fight about a week ago which means that we're past the point where people stop "guarding" and start being real, really real. We were able to talk about things and get back on track, but the only reason for this was that both of us really wanted to figure out where the miscommunication/misunderstanding was and make life clearer again.

He's been making more of an effort to come to me as well, now that I am even more busy--he drives out here once or twice during the week to climb in bed with me. It is so nice to feel his arm curled around my waist all night, to have breakfast with him in the morning before school. Having him here is a comfort, a security. He does little things for me when I'm exhausted, like take out my trash or make my bed in the morning.

Love until later (whenever that is!)
xoxo
K

Time Flies When They Are Torturing You

2007-12-02T20:23:00.000-08:00

Med School Is Heaven and Hell

I can't believe that in a few days, by Dec. 14th, that I will be 1/2 way done with my first year of medical school. Over the past 10 weeks, I have dissected a human person from the tips of her toes to the top of her head. Her name is Doris. She has a perfect superior thyroid artery coming off of her external carotid artery and lacing into the top of her thyroid gland like the threads on a baseball. Her heart is curved and lovely. She had all kinds of fillings in her teeth.

I did poorly on my first test in anatomy, and then improved. A lot. 12% improvement on the practical part (where they tag stuff on the cadavers and ask you what it is) and 18% improvement on multiple choice. I am hoping for even more improvement on the final exams, pending some hard work.

It is extremely difficult, to say the least, to work with the dead so that one day I will be a competent physician for the living. It is amazing, hellish, wonderful, horrible and beautiful all at once. Our culture neatly protects us from real death and medical students get to come face to face with it. Soaked in formaldehyde. Yikes and Wow all at once if you can imagine.

Spending all of this time learning is a little bit lonely---I often don't have much to talk about besides medical school because that is where my brain is, where my focus is, where my energy is spent. People understand, and they don't. I try to stay calm as I observe surgeries where people live and die, where blood spills and we sop it up, where people stand clinging each other in waiting rooms while I stand in the corner of the operating theater trying to figure out how to breathe wearing too-big scrubs and a large face mask.

I dreamed you, I saw your face...

R and I celebrated our one-year dating anniversary in mid-November. He prepared dinner for us and made me a CD of songs that remind him of me, even including an explanation of why he chose them. He bought me beautiful multi-colored roses, and a sweet anniversary card. Some of my favorite songs on the CD include:

Ain't Nothin 'Bout You/Brooks & Dunn
Angel Dream/Tom Petty & Heartbreakers
Unanswered Prayers/Garth Brooks
Just the Way You Are/Billy Joel
Amazing/Aerosmith

We're doing awesome--he's supportive and strong, a safe place I run to when I'm pushed to the limits. He makes me a cup of tea and holds me when I sleep. He packs me a lunch to take to school. He sends me text messages reminding me that I'm doing a good job, that he loves me, that he's thinking of me today.

We spend Sunday mornings together, waking up at 8 or 9 in the am, lingering in bed, getting up and having pancakes and bacon, having a hot shower and then going our separate ways. Our Sunday morning times have been great because we spend time talking and he is doing an amazing job opening up to me.

Since our anniversary, which was a huge declaration of love on his part, I have been falling even more in love with him and feeling very good about things. We're headed home to my parent's house for four days after finals are through, and then spending Christmas together here in Chicago. We're going to get a Christmas tree and make a gingerbread house and be big nerds about it.

There are a million things to tell you guys, but I have to get back to watching clinical skills videos, and look at some Netter flashcards. This week is going to be the total shitter in terms of school-work. I have everything planned out, including when I'm going to Walgreen's and what day I'm doing laundry. Yikes! This Friday I'll turn 26. I can't believe it.

Love until later,
Kate

October, Already

2007-10-04T22:42:00.000-07:00

I find myself wondering where to start.

I want to write tonight because...this evening has been a good one, filled with friends, delicious red wine, chocolate truffles and laughter. Because it's been too long since I've recorded some of the things that have been happening.

A Boyfriend Story
Last weekend, R planned a date for us that included him cooking us steaks on the barbecue and reserving tickets for a play downtown. We took the train into the city on a pretty early Fall night (not yet cold but hints of chill in the air), picked up our tickets and had a steaming cup of espresso before the show. Afterwards, we headed to a favorite Irish bar (one that has the kind of competitive trivia where trophies are won and lost!) and had a few drinks. Over my diet coke and bacardi (with lime, naturally...), I learned a few more things about R that have changed everything. And when I think about these things, they don't surprise me, but it is good to hear him say them, like, "Under normal circumstances (aka not already being divorced before!) I would have already asked you to marry me;" and "I didn't know what being happy with someone was before I met you. Before I would tell myself I was happy, and now I don't ever have to do that because I just am."

And, YEAH! I haven't really told anyone else that he said these things because I have been rolling them through my mind, washing them over myself again and again, holding them extremely close to the center of where I am.

A Health Story
So at my annual ob-gyn visit (I know, we all love it) something happened that has NEVER happened before: the ob-gyn found a lump. In my left breast. Yikes! She sent me to the breast center, where they did an ultrasound (okay, where three people did an ultrasound) and they couldn't find anything abnormal. I was pretty worried about all of that and now feel kind of sheepish for thinking of how awful it would be to lose my hair or to have to endure medical school and radiation, or what it would be like to have an entire breast removed. Luckily I don't have to go down any of those roads, and I tried to stay calm, but somehow my fear crept into my thoughts and finally was put to rest today.

I have also lost 4 pounds. I am doing a good job keeping a food journal, weighing out portions and trying to round out nutrition. Next comes working in more regular exercise. Being healthy is certainly NOT for the lazy.

A million other things come to mind to write about.

I visited my family in my sunny southern california hometown for four days this week while on my break. That was restful, awkward, fun and refreshing all at once.
I'm going to be a ladybug for halloween. Tonight I worked on putting some red and black polka-dotted nylons over the top of the bra I am wearing. Now if it shows, it matches!
I did great on final exams, scoring in the high 80's and early 90's. Hopefully this showing is good enough for some "High Pass."
R and I are going to get pumpkins at a real pumpkin patch on Saturday and I'm excited about that. We're also going to a haunted house, which I don't love but...oh well.
I'm going to get my hair and nails done tomorrow at a gorgeous salon and am SO looking forward to the pampering....sometimes in the midst of finals and overall MD school craziness, I get left behind.
Monday we start on cadavers. Yikes! We have a funeral for them Mon morning and by Friday we'll have a WHOLE LEG off of one. Halloween is the WORST time to start this endeavor.

Love until later,
K
xoxo

An Odd Mix

2007-09-16T22:45:00.000-07:00

Crisis and Calm
Being a first-year medical student is the ultimate combination of crisis and calm. I consider myself an organized, on-task, motivated person. Most of you wouldn't think any of those things would be a stretch for someone who is admitted to multiple medical schools. Oh, and the terrible burden that now that we're supposed to be taking care of other people, that it is an unspeakable thing to be having personal doubts, problems, making mistakes, being unorganized or generally flailing in any way.

They (administration, upperclassmen, fellow classmates, attendings, interns, mentors) put pressure on us and teach us how to put even more pressure on ourselves. Thank you for your leadership...yes, as a matter of fact, I'd love another helping of confusion, self-loathing and guilt. Because if I don't accept everything given to me with a smile and eagerness, it's not considered "professional."

An open letter to the a-hole second years (warning: unprofessional)
To the next second-year who dares to snicker when someone from my class is printing notes, working on a project, or otherwise appearing to work: F--K YOU. Seriously. I think it is F---ING AWESOME that you didn't have to do SHIT your first-year of medical school, and that all you had to do was attend lectures and drink pina coladas the rest of the time. You loudly stating that "First Year is a Piece of Cake" while smiling with that shit-eating grin on your face doesn't make you wise, it makes you an a-hole. Next year no one will have to remind me to not be an a-hole to first years. You seem to convieniently forget that you had to transition to first-year too, and that things weren't always perfect for you either. What is bad about it is that so many people in your class are NICE and HELPFUL but you being a DUMBASS makes everything 10x worse.

My second beef with you is this--What? You think I'm an IDIOT for reading required textbooks? I don't know what you've been doing since medical school but I had a job before this, the kind of thing where I had to pay my bills. The kind of thing you've never, ever, EVER had to do because you went straight from your pampered ass ivy-league college to this large, private medical school. And, you don't know how to keep your mouth shut (I know, I have that problem too, but not with this situation)---if people want to try to study and learn something here, just because you didn't have to do that "STUDY" thing doesn't mean that you get to be an asshole. Please don't EVER try to offer medical care to anyone that I know or love. 'Cause you are a first-class prick, oh, and you didn't READ ANY BOOKS. In MEDICAL SCHOOL. Jesus.

A litany of issues, organized in list format for your reading pleasure

Maintaining some sort of order and structure for myself is becoming damn near impossible.
Exhibit A? The fact that I was reluctantly showering at midnight tonight. The fact that I am making schedules of my schedules. The fact that every time I check my email there is SOMETHING ELSE for me to contend with. Pulling my hair out is not an option. I would have no hair left.
I am not finding the time to work out like I should, I am not finding the time to pack healthy meals like I should, I got on the scale today. I was kind of snappy with my sweet, mostly-drunk boyfriend on the phone tonight. I need to call my best friend and my grandparents and both of those things are on a list on a 3x5 card with all of the other things I need to do, like renew my car insurance, deal with my 401K, make an ob/gyn appointment. When did my life get reduced to a to-do list in a personal planner that is now 10 inches thick??!?
All of those things? Unacceptable, unacceptable, unacceptable.
I'm behind in reading, behind in outlining, and probably behind on things I haven't even heard about yet. I'm not behind in pretending to be okay, smiling pretty for my classmates, saying everything's great on long-distance calls from friends and family.

I am bitter, exhausted, self-critical and yet, FORGING on. I don't think I need people to understand or empathize. I oscillate from my position of forced optimism to a position of emergency-level triage of problems.

What I need is a personal assistant, a maid, a personal shopper, a personal trainer and someone to be my stand-in mother and pack my lunches. That would be the day.

But realistically? Until then (which is NEVER), what I am doing is going to be good enough, dammit. And perhaps my personal standards will have to be revised. There will definitely have to be less listening to a-holes, more taking care of myself, more flexibility when the school throws more work at us, and less self-criticism.

All I want is...
More time to MYSELF (that does not include self-care tasks, cleaning, organizing or doing things on the computer that are administrative.)

More time with my boyfriend, just relaxing, laying around or doing nothing.
More time with my girlfriends, being silly, drinking, dressing up.
More time to work out, so I have more energy for the above three.
More time to get caught up on reading, learning and review.

I promise-I'm okay. I'm just venting.

I love all of you long time.
xoxo
Kate

Measuring a Year, Welcome back to September

2007-09-08T10:16:00.001-07:00

Back to the question--how do you measure a year? What can change in a year?

Exactly a year ago this month, I...
was in my first apartment after my separation
just had joined Match dot com and started dating
had not interviewed at any medical schools yet (but was to be invited shortly)
moved from my old blog to this new blog to start over!

was working at a preschool (already in my second month)
worked out at a fancy gym downtown, Holmes Place
ate a lot of sushi (spicy tuna, my fave) b/c there was a great place across from my old place
saw Navy Pier everyday on my drive/walk home!

was nervous about being accepted to medical school but hopeful
was all done taking the MCAT
just finishing my last few admissions essays
used to walk to the grocery store and lug the groceries home, leaving red marks on my arms!

And Now?
7 weeks into medical school
shiny new white coat & fancy stethoscope
one test down, one to go on Monday (toga party after)
handful of new "best" friends I was dreaming of

One new boyfriend (one year will be in Nov) who spent the night last night
who holds my hand when we sleep
who gave me Sox tickets (for me and a friend) later this afternoon
whose sister is having lunch and visiting with me today

Closer with my family
even talking to my mom
visits home, less stressful
a new appreciation of my hometown and comfort with Chicago

second apartment (first after official divorce) beautiful and big
my own one-bedroom for the first time
bright pink bathroom
couch all to myself in the living room...

love,
K

Study Time & Other Schedule Snafus

2007-08-28T20:34:00.001-07:00

SNAFU=Situation Normal All F-ed Up
Being in school has kind of messed up my flexibility. Let me explain.

I am an extremely adept logistical and organizational planner, so, normally I am able to effortlessly juggle many commitments during the day, see many people, and have every object, change of wardrobe and even my car keys with me. Prepared. Perfect. This comes from being type A personality, I think.

Medical school is the ginormous wrench in these works. This educational process is suddenly all of my commitments, all of my "stuff" that I have to shlep along with me and in all of my thoughts night and day.

What does this have to do with anything?
Naturally, I have become a little terrified that my relationships with friends from before medical school will begin to strain when I can no longer "do my part" or even do MORE than my part to accommodate their schedules/needs/locations. Plain and simple, people are going to have to accommodate me. If I can do my part, I always, always do. But most of the time? Hands tied.

Most of my close friends have adjusted beautifully, checking in on me via phone and email and "snapping" me into the real world just when I need it. After 5 hours in the library analyzing brain-numbing histology pictures and biochemistry diagrams, I am not even sure WHAT DAY IT IS but then I listen to a voice message from a friend and suddenly feel HUMAN again.

Big Girls Don't Cry
However, R and I came to a head on this issue last night when he was supposed to come stay over here, and legit things came up for him (big work things and a family thing). It was late when he finished, and he chose to not come over after that.

What could have become a COMPLETE nightmare turned into something great--me expressing that I was afraid that now that I can't accommodate him more easily (now that I'm in school), that he isn't willing to go out of his way for me (not just him, others too), and that part of why I was upset was because him showing up looked like proof positive to disappointed little me that I'm not worth going out of the way for.

He was apologetic and obviously disappointed/frustrated about the situation. Normally, he's someone who doesn't want to be on the phone for very long but we spent 90 minutes talking to each other calmly, comforting the other and explaining our feelings and expectations. He realizes he has to figure more logistical/planning things out for us (instead of me doing it automatically like I have been). I need to trust him (and others) to love me and to pick up the "slack" inherent in people hanging out. Other people can worry about the details sometimes, too.

Love, Always
He said how much he loved me a few times and at one point said that there isn't anyone else that he'd rather be working through things with. Today, I got some sweet text messages from him even though he's on his 24-hour shift. I am so excited when we are able to move forward together through things--makes me feel like we are becoming a better team everyday. I love him dearly but am sort of proceeding with a bit of caution given the job situation. However, after some of the things he said on the phone (and the WAY he said them), my instincts tell me that he wouldn't leave me for a job somewhere else. (I realize that those instincts could be wrong, but...)

Hopefully I'll see him tomorrow night--I am DYING to see him. He's going to come out here to stay (if I get done with teaching & tutoring at a reasonable hour...) so I can just meet him at my house after my "marathon" of a Wednesday. Even though he starts his Thursday in the wee hours of the morning (his next 24-hour shift) he is going to come and stay here in the middle of the week. Woo.

I'm finding that being totally honest with people about my fears and expectations is not getting easier but I understand the value of being transparent with those who deserve it. If I had chosen to not do that, he would have thought I was trying to guilt trip him into coming over (which I wasn't) or worse. And, I would have felt like he wasn't willing to make time for me or that our time isn't important to him. But, we talked it out, and got to understand the other person and their approach to not only life, but our love a little bit more.

Life, and our love story, goes on.

xoxo until later,
Kate

PS: I'm sort of caught up on studies. No more code red. I do think nerdy jokes are even funnier, though. I am becoming EVEN NERDIER than before. I'm just sayin'.

Sub Sandwiches, Tooth Fairy, White Coats

2007-08-26T21:57:00.000-07:00

Mon 20 Aug
My first medical school test.
Results? 93%. Honors. Whew. Med students get the rest of the day off--no lectures.

R comes over for lunch, we walk hand-in-hand down the streets of my Chicago suburb, looking for somewhere to eat, contemplating various little diners and looking in shop windows before choosing Jimmy John's! It starts to rain lightly and we get a little wet but are exhilarated and laughing.

We sit on my fabulously comfy couch and talk more about the pending job situation. He tells me that he "doesn't want to do anything" that would take him away from us. He also explains that he hadn't thought of it the way that I had thought of it, that a normal breakup (if things were wrong) would be understandable, but to miss the potential on a perfectly good relationship because of a move? Hmmm....

Our talk made me feel better and I have calmed down slightly. His test for his out-of-state job (the next stages), if he completes them, happen on September 22. So for now, we all hope and pray that he lands a job that he wants HERE IN CHICAGO in the MEANTIME so there will be NO AWFUL decisions to make.

Friday 24 Aug
R's family (all five of them!!!) come to my medical school for our facility tours. They treat me to a delicious Italian dinner afterwards. I pick up my best girlfriend in the city and we have a sleepover.

L and I are laying in bed together, talking, when I feel something under my pillow. A jewelry box. She gave me a beautiful set of earrings as a "Congratulations!" gift for medical school. It was kind of like the tooth fairy had come...yay!

Saturday 24 Aug
Along with the other 145 members of my class, (2011!) I receive my white coat. R, very handsome in a full suit (even though he HATES wearing them!) and L, in a lovely blue dress, were there to cheer me on. We were only allowed to have two tickets, which sucked because there were a lot of other people that I would have wanted to invite.

The three of us went on a boat cruise on Lake Michigan with the rest of the class.
R and I went to a Bears game at Soldier Field. Bears win! (Da Bears!)

Code Red--Study Time Needed...
So much studying to catch up on because of TWO NIGHTS out this week--Friday and then ALL DAY Saturday. Normally I get at least 4 hours on Friday (but didn't because of the tour/dinner/sleepover) and then at least 4 hours on Saturday (but didn't because of the ceremony/brunch/cruise/Bears game).
Wish me luck.

Welcome to the Break Point

2007-08-19T21:04:00.001-07:00

Possible out-of-state job for my guy?
He's been applying for all sorts of jobs, and the one that is moving forward the fastest is the one that would take him out of state, out of my immediate day-to-day life. He's got other prospects, of course, but there is a remote possibility he'll leave the town he calls home, where his family lives, to go do something else. Somewhere else. Somewhere not here.

My Position (*When I am not hyperventilating, of course)
I can't deal with a relationship that's long-distance; not with the pressure of medical school, and also because I understand love in a physical sense as well as a verbal sense.

If he's leaving, I need to know NOW so that I can get out of this relationship with him, stop spending my weekend mornings with him, stop building this relationship with him where I am picturing that potentially it would go somewhere. I don't like that I can't be more flexible, but I'm looking to build a serious relationship with someone, and that takes time. I can't lose 1-2 years in my mid 20's not having experiences with someone...because they are not around.

Basically, I confronted him with the above (albeit tearfully at points), letting him know that:

I wasn't criticizing him for looking at jobs, and am very supportive of the fact and recognize that he wants to find a stable career choice
I want him to do what he is going to do (b/c people do what they want eventually ANYWAY), and want to know what his thinking is, whatever that is, so I can understand his position better
If his move is that he's moving somewhere else, that affects me directly b/c I can't deal with some long-distance stuff while I'm in school.

Indirectly, I think he also got the following messages:

That he is extremely important to me, that he's a huge part of my life
That even though I look strong, being abandoned is possibly the worst thing ever for me, someone leaving or going unexpectedly

We ended up going out to dinner after our talk, having a good evening, great morning, and breakfast together, too. We might get together tomorrow after my FIRST EVER MEDICAL SCHOOL TEST and he said "definitely" to hanging out next weekend, which is my White Coat Ceremony.

The Bottom Line
I am at that horrible place where I get to watch to see if at this point, if our lives are going to continue to converge. I've drawn my line, which is that I need someone who is HERE. If he's not going to be here, I can't play this. It is too hard for me. A good friend of mine said that this isn't an abandonment issue on my part ('cause I'm adopted), but rather something adults have to face from time to time.

So I get to hang in the balance and wonder if things are going to work out, if what he really wants is to be somewhere else, starting a new life and career. I understand what it is like to want to go places and start a new life. I understand he needs to have a career that he enjoys.

Questions for Thought
I know that if things don't work out, and he moves away, that I will be able to move on eventually. That I'll find someone to be with who will be happy to be with me. But I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT, to acknowledge that I might be losing R so soon. As long as he lives here, there is no reason why we can't be together as long as problems don't crop up, etc. I can even understand a regular breakup in time. But to have a perfectly good relationship (with lots of potential in my opinion) bite the big one because of a career choice? Seems like a waste. Seems like a heartbreak on both sides that doesn't need to happen.

I guess I get to see where we really stand, where I fit into this vision of his life, if at all, in the future. It is completely possible that I am the "Right Girl" arriving at the "Wrong Time." And that would be just my luck. UGH! I guess it is better for me to find that out now if it's the case, and be "Right on time" for a man that is going to put me first.

My personal prayer:
God-I'm frightened and heartbroken over the prospect of this relationship with R ending. I'm NOT ready to let go of his love in my life yet. I'm not ready to give it up. What I AM ready for is for you to handle this situation, because you know my heart, because you've known me my whole life and even before then. Whatever the outcome is, I trust that you have a man for me and I promise that I will do my best to be good-hearted and worthy of that man so I will get another chance to be someone's wife someday. Please show me how to be strong. Amen.

My House or Yours?

2007-08-13T21:22:00.000-07:00

Note to Readers
I have decided that it is important for me to really think about what my motivations are for doing certain things, or making certain decisions. This is in part due to a question asked to us recently at school: "Who am I becoming by my actions?"

Don't get all up in arms and send me an email asking if any of these situations have happened to me...they haven't, which is precisely why I am exploring possible courses to take and what the outcomes may be.

On Living Together, and Autonomy
As most of you know, (or if you visit the archives!), I'm divorced. I didn't live with my ex-husband before we got married. Living with him would have facilitated my understanding that we weren't going to work out MORE QUICKLY, but our fate would still be the same--apart. For me, living together and marriage are related, but I want to make sure that I am understanding how. Let's talk about it.

Autonomy-Benefits
One of the nice things about living on your own is that you get to have a whole place that is uniquely yours, where your things live in a (hopefully) secure space. You decide where things go, when things get cleaned/organized (or not), what you're going to eat out of the fridge, etc. You can have down times and quiet moments that no other person is able to witness because you're in your own place. Breathing room. Your way, the only way, all the time.

Autonomy-Drawbacks
It can get lonely, you can feel isolated. All day-to-day responsibilities are solely yours. Depending on how many people you have around who you can call in for help, you are generally on your own. No input from someone else on decorating, improvements or organization (if you value that sort of thing, and I do.)

Moving in?
Obviously if you are going to give up the benefits of Autonomy, of having "my own place", living together should bring it's own benefits that equal or outweigh living alone.
But here is where it gets tricky. Living together brings the amalgamation of two people's personal lives, the messes of our daily lives under one roof. What's love got to do with it?

My Standard for Moving In Together
Moving in together, in my opinion, should be considered if and ONLY if:
1. It is NOT a "litmus test" for "should we get married?"
There are always going to be issues in living with ANYONE, day to day. There are problems inherent in running a household. Married people, in principle, get the protection from the covenant that they have made to each other that even though things get rough in day-to-day life, that those "bumps" don't jeapordize their relationship. People simply "living together" do not--more problems can arize and the two people don't really have a promise to each other to "see it through."

2. The motivation involves the following things:
a. Being able to spend more time together (to increase communication as well as emotional and sexual closeness)
b. Being able to work together on day-to-day life issues (as a team instead of individually)
c. To help one another out and begin to practice supporting the other in a more realistic sense
d. Financial benefit from the synergy of a household

I think those are pretty self-explanatory.

3. The understanding that the relationship will move to marriage in time (and explore each other's definitions of marriage) is implicit and unwaivering. This can mean engaged or not, depending on the relationship between the two. Engaged is definitely better though.

I don't think that people need to move in together to decide if they would be good married or not. Over time, you can tell if you should marry someone or not. I have decided that the best compatibility factor for marriage has to do with how closely the two people's understanding of what the covenant of marriage is. If both people have the same ideas (or similar) about what it means to be married and why someone would get married (as opposed to just live together or whatever), and they are willing to commit to that standard and that relationship, they will probably be fine. I say "probably" because there are most likely multiple factors at play--but I know that both people being on the same page is a huge one.

Klutz

2007-08-12T21:32:00.000-07:00

Because I really know how to get in the moment...
It's been a long week. After several days just trying to keep up with school work, put on a happy face and remember a TON of stuff, I find myself standing comfortably nestled in R's arms. He leans me back, so I can see his handsome face.

R: "You are incredibly beautiful. Even if I don't say it, I'm thinking it."
K: "Wow, I'm glad you think so..."
R: "Um, sweetie? You're standing on my toe."

I look down. I am. Shit.

K: (blushing, horrified) "Oops."

Is There A Doctor In The House?

2007-08-02T21:02:00.000-07:00

I have a nasty $250/day habit.
Don't look so surprised. It's medical school, friends. I have classes stacked up to my nose and I am loving about 90% of the content that we are reviewing and learning. I am grateful that I have already mastered a lot of these topics as an undergraduate or been over them since for the MCAT, etc. If I was coming in fresh, I would already be sunk.

The pace is terrifying.
None of the material that we are going over is exceedingly difficult, but there is a TON of it. Take for example, the $1,000 of books (yes, 1K) that I ordered for this year. Volumes and volumes of medical reference books ranging from "The Difficult Patient Interview" to "Genetics in Medicine" to "The Cell" to "Biochemistry." The amount of things I need to find, read, understand and memorize....it makes me tired thinking about it.

I am loving every (overall) minute.
Sitting in our beautiful, sunlit (indoor!) atrium area, eating my lunch with some colleagues, it struck me: THIS is what I get to do for the next four years. Be here in this beautiful building with these other smart people and learn things. Compared to work, this is a haven of wonder and the land of milk and honey. Work sucks.

I am officially my own mother

2007-07-29T20:22:00.001-07:00

I packed myself a lunch for school tomorrow, put my things in my backpack, made myself a note to not forget my phone, and have my clothes all set out.

With classes tomorrow morning kicking off at 8:30 am, I am beginning my $250/day medical education.

The journey of a thousand miles (and two hundred thousand in loan debt) obviously starts with a pb&j pita for lunch and a clif bar for breakfast.

Exhausted but Great

2007-07-25T21:57:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Cool Things About Medical Student Orientation

10. All of the free lunches, dinners and beer. (The beer mainly from M2 host students!)
9. Meeting 140 new people. (Also a "challenging" thing about orientation)
8. Getting a "class of" T-shirt commemorating your entering group.
7. Finding where your locker is and discovering that it is HUGE!
6. Receiving a membership to an awesome gym with an Olympic size pool and an indoor running track. Oh, and a full size basketball court. Yay!
5. Being fitted for a white coat.
4. Receiving a picture ID badge/scan card that has your name right above "MEDICAL STUDENT" in large letters.
3. Knowing you're actually going to be a doctor someday.
2. Starting to know your way around the place and scouting out study locations.
1. Meeting people that you're pleased to call your colleagues.

I'm exhausted but happy.

More soon.
Kate

Vodka + Lemonade=??

2007-07-22T21:14:00.000-07:00

Kate's Best Vodka Lemonades (Ah, Summertime)

You will need:
Semi-Premium or Premium Vodka ( I like Skyy or Ketel One, personally)
"Simply" Lemonade (It comes in a jug and is not too sweet, in the fridge section)
Fresh Limes, Cut into Wheels
Ice and a cool pitcher to pour from

And Then...Fill the pitcher 1/3 of the way with Vodka. Add a handful of ice and squeeze the limes as you add them in. Fill the pitcher the rest of the way with Lemonade. Taste to see if you need more vodka (why not?)

You can have your own authentic Vodka Lemonade experience
Just like I did this weekend if you follow the recipe above. R and I went over to his best friend's house and were joined by a few more of their friends to drink, watch the boxing fights at Mandalay Bay on TV and eat pizza*. (Deliciously gross* but wonderful Pizza Hut pizza.) I, of course, brought the ingredients for the famous VL because it was what I really felt like drinking. A few glasses of that later (it goes down really, really easy....too easy) I was totally drunk. Woo!

3AM
I wake up with a start, head slightly swirly, to find myself curled on a couch next to R.
I unsuccessfully try to rouse him, he swats at me because he's asleep and passed out. Blech. I am wishing we were at one of our homes, curled on a soft mattress, under my fluffy duvet, R's strong body enveloping mine as he sleeps.
No dice?
Okay, fine! Being a party girl is SO unglam, this is why I only drink like this approximately twice a year.

I make myself a bed on the carpet below the couch so I can stretch my legs. R spreads out on the little couch and looks less scrunched and more peaceful. Good.

6AM
R starts to wake and apparently would prefer to sleep holding me (hurray!) so he joins me on the carpet and we share the blankets (or, he just really wanted a blanket.) I'm feeling better about crashing at his friend's place now that we're laying together. If he's holding me, sitting next to me or standing close behind me I am suddenly very secure and calm. He's like man-prozac for the nerves. The quiet footsteps of R's friend's girlfriend approach as she arrives back from her night shift at the hospital. I should have worried more that she would think that R & I was her boyfriend and some other girl (she's the jealous type, okay?) but I don't because R has his arms around me and I'm hazy and exhausted.

9AM
I wander down the hall to find R's friend's girlfriend staring at me from their bed. "Hi, Sunshine!" she calls. I twist my face into a smile. She lets me know that R's friend has gone to get us breakfast, which is good news. I put some pressed powder on my face, brush my hair and try to look not so, well, hungover. My stomach starts to rumble.

9:30AM
Two bites into breakfast, I feel that sickening tightening in my stomach and throat. Oh, God. Oh, God. I start to panic....but don't want to let on. Quietly, I get up from the table and barrel down the hall where I proceed to forcefully vomit from my nose and mouth into the sink. I try to tell myself to relax and let it come out. It is hard because I want to fight the sickness so badly. I turn on the water so our friends don't hear me vomiting. Yuck. The acid burns my throat and the tears run down my face. I thank my lucky stars that my hair was already pulled back. Since I rarely vomit (twice this year already, weird) my body is exhausted and my hands and feet are shaky.

12 noon
R and I are back at his place. Still weak even after some Gatorade, I lay on his bed and nap with his two cats. He lays nearby, working a crossword puzzle. He kisses me on the forehead and the cheek. Just having him around makes me feel much better.

This evening I had dinner with a good girlfriend and did my laundry at her place. We danced around the house, ate dinner on the deck and drank sparkling water out of wine glasses. Yeah!
I gave R a call to see if he wanted to come over tonight but he said no because of where his work is located tomorrow. He did say that he loved me though and was very sweet. I think if he could be two places at once, he would.

Tomorrow is the first day of medical school orientation. I got my drink on before the start of doctor school, my leather shoulder bag is packed, I have plenty of laundry clean and I am ready to go.

Rocket Scientist

2007-07-15T21:17:00.000-07:00

IKEA Queen
You know how it goes--you spend a day at IKEA, wandering around and collecting the items you need for your house at awesome prices. A cart full of THAT much STUFF from say, Target or Bed Bath and Beyond would be hundreds of dollars. Hundreds. Easily. But at IKEA? No biggie! Loves it--potholders, fluffy throw blankets, shoe racks and closet organizers--oh, my! Just everything I need for my new (spacious but empty!) place.

The furniture, though? Reasonably priced but not assembled and quite another story. Lugging the boxes around on those big flat carts and then getting them into the car? Exhausting. Lugging the boxes through the building, battling my elevator doors that kept trying to shut on me and eat me? Yikes. Getting it all home by myself made me do a little happy dance.

The IKEA packages say "easy assembly." I strongly disagree with this packaging statement. Let me present to you the following: My computer desk is now known to me (secretly, of course, and now to you) as my 4-hour desk. As in, I spent four hours trying to put it together before success*occurred.

*By success, I mean it didn't collapse or lean in at a weird angle when I did the following:
A. Move it
B. Put weight on it (as in, not breaking when a fly lands on it)
C. Find some other part that belonged on it that needed to be added somewhere.
D. Any or all of the above

Obviously, this IKEA furniture was engineered to be easy for NASA ROCKET SCIENTISTS to put together. Admittedly I feel a little sheepish, seeing as how I'm, oh, you know, starting medical school and all and the furniture had me beat**. The desk IS together though and I only have few scratches and bruises. I am a stubborn woman.

*By had me beat, I mean I said the following words during construction:
A. Shitballs, motherfucker
B. Are you fucking kidding me?
C. Oh, shit, it's upside down!
D. Do I have any more vodka in the house?

Enter Prince Charming (now with 90% more family approval!)
Luckily...R rode to my rescue when it came to putting my bookcase and TV cart together. There was a lot of hammering and screwdriving going on when he did those, so, I should probably thank him for the fact that I still have all of my fingers....since I was not the one who had to wield such tools and construction skillz.

My family continues to rave about how much they love him, about how I should stick with him ( I think my grandmother said "latch onto him"), about how wonderful he is. Frankly, I am not sure how to handle them loving him so much!

It isn't that I don't think he's completely awesome, or that I thought they wouldn't like him, I guess I just have never seen them react so positively and be so openly excited about someone I'm dating. I suppose it is about time, though, right?

Love until Later,
Kate

Hair Farm and other Neuroses

2007-07-10T21:35:00.000-07:00

Because I'm a neat freak

I have lived in this apartment for what, two minutes, and ALREADY the bathroom floor has a ton of my hair on it. Yech!

I was sitting on the toilet this evening, with MacBook (and my neighbor's wireless internets, heh) keeping me company when I noticed I have a regular hair farm going on the previously-clean tile. And I've taken approximately 10, 15 showers here. All this hair? Already? Even I hate "living with me" sometimes. Gross!

In other new-apartment-organization-news, my major voyage to IKEA is all set for tomorrow.
I know, you're asking yourselves, WHY, OH WHY isn't she organized YET? Well, friends--it is funny but not working means that the pace of my days is slower and I'm only finally learning how to be productive when I don't have a 9 to 5 to balance with the rest of my life (or a 7 to 6 as it was, haha).

The cheap-furniture budget: $800. Needed: a corner desk, a TV table, a bookcase, some picture frames and a clock. Wanted: a few shelves and a filing cabinet. We'll see how it shapes up. If I can get the things I need on my budget anywhere, it is certainly there. I hate lugging the boxes to the car (thank God my new place is only up one flight of stairs) and I am not good at putting things together (remember the injuries LAST TIME from using tools?!?) but it is "go time." I wish I could say that I'm totally going to put it all together myself but we all know that R will probably end up doing a lot of helping. God bless that.

Meet the Parents

This last weekend I took R home with me to the beachy coastal place I grew up in (and the weather behaved perfectly, which was THE way to represent!) and my parents LOVED him. So much. He behaved perfectly as well---he was calm, happy and sweet. Himself. Yes!

My family embarrassed me a few times, but I tried to be graceful. I took R for a walk on the beach which he enjoyed--we splashed around in the cool ocean, held hands and I fell a little more in love with him.

Taking him home and introducing him to people somehow raises the stakes a little for me--now I'm even MORE invested in this relationship--before if something happened with us, he was just a name and a few stories to my family and...now, he's someone who's listened to grandpa's stories and had a cigarette with my mother. Now we have momentum. From both sides. I know it won't be crushing (I wouldn't let that happen) but I am not so naive this time to think that intertwining the families doesn't mean that the relationship will be affected.

Anyway, part of me feels satisfied with the visit and the positive results of the visit because he gets to know me more and see where I came from, and my family gets to see that I'm doing better at picking out men, BUT part of me feels terrified! If we break up, there are going to be a LOT more questions (which, naturally, will be very hard to answer at that point) and there will be more people disappointed than just me.

The reassuring part of my brain would like to remind everyone that R and I traveled nicely together through the airports, which is a source of stress/pressure/disagreements for a lot of people. (Haven't you ever seen "The Amazing Race?" Come on now!) He held my hand during takeoff and landing, and gently patted my hand when I would clutch him if there was turbulence. He bought me Cosmopolitan in the airport and didn't laugh or make any comments about it. We walked most places hand in hand. We laughed at others. I showed him how good a burger "Animal Style" can be from In N Out Burgers. He showed me how to be patient with my folks.

Pink and Green

2007-07-02T14:22:00.000-07:00

Top Ten Cool Things That Have Happened Since My Last Post:

1. My bedroom is a lovely shade of green and my bathroom? Barbie-girl pink.
2. I actually have a bedroom now (as opposed to a studio!).
3. I have lost 7 pounds. (Whew!) Going to my new gym isn't hurting, that's for sure.
4. I don't work anymore---well, I only teach classes here and there, but bye-bye full time job! Woo!
5. I've actually made a schedule for myself.
6. I got my older cousin's wedding invitation in the mail.
7. I cooked a meal (that didn't SUCK!) for R. Yay.
8. R & I went out to a fancy dinner to celebrate me finishing work!
9. R made me dinner (and served it all to me) while I sat on the couch (he insisted!)
10. I don't pay for internet(s) anymore, instead I just go to free wifi spots. (b/c I am a cheap beeeeyatch y'all.)

Ready, Set, Go

2007-06-21T21:17:00.000-07:00

Getting Ready
Creating file boxes with file folders with those little stick up signs announcing mundane but useful categories like: "Bills", "Bank", "School," "Paystubs." Buying blanket bags at the Container Store. Sorting out and throwing away rubbish and old purses I should never, ever carry. Stashing the Rabbit and the Kama Sutra at the bottom of some luggage and piling sweatshirts on top. Sending out change of address postcards to family and friends, making sure to put the NEW stamps on so they'll actually get delivered.

Getting Set
Coordinating friends to come and help. Scheduling moving time on the freight elevator. Packing clothes for the next few days in a suitcase so I can pack the rest of it. Finishing dishwashing the rest of my stuff so I can pack it. Throwing out the crap in the fridge. Sweeping my floors for the last time. Picking up my prescription at this downtown Walgreen's so I have a month to change my Rx location.

Go?
Okay, so I'm not quite ready to go, am still getting set.

The thought of being able to come and go brings up another thought...

Tonight I visited R for about an hour and a half after teaching. We sat on his porch and had tea and talked--it felt good to just see him face to face, to feel his arms around me and to hear him say that I smelled nice. I forgot that the lovely thing about not living together is that when I have to go (because I don't live there), that I get to see that he wants me to stay, that there is a longing for just one more kiss or one more cuddle or a few more softly spoken words. I'm so glad that we're still so happy to see each other (even late at night after a long work day) even though we've been dating for so many months already. I'm certainly not ready to curb my enthusiasm when it comes to seeing him.

The other part of me wants him to ask me to always stay, to not come and go. I am thinking there is a part of him that wants that, too, and with time we'll figure out when being together more often is right for both of us. Until then, I'm going to keep being happy and keep getting my life together and the way I'd like it.

There may not be some posts for a few days while I move this weekend. I'll let you know how the painting goes and how I'm settling in soon though. Promise.

Love until later,
K

Two Steps Forward

2007-06-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

Solving the Puzzle

Why is communicating so difficult sometimes? I know that it is worth it in the end but what is frustrating is that it feels like no matter how long we know people, we're always going to be working to understand each other.

Sometimes I am glad that I have some time to think about things before people call me because I am trying to be present in my discussions with everyone. This means I cannot just pick up my cell phone because it is ringing. If I am driving, or am with a friend, or am doing something or am simply not ready to talk, I don't pick up the phone. I can't. I just can't. If I pick up a call when I'm not ready to or not in a "good place" in my own head then I know that the conversation doesn't advance the relationship and even can start little problems that don't need to be there. And, I might resent the person for calling and needing something when I don't have anything to give. Ugh.

This is another sign that I'm learning to take care of myself and handle my own needs first, making sure that I give myself the space I need. This way I'm not always "reacting" to other people.

Weekend Update
After spending the morning with a girlfriend who helped me sort out the situation (and bought me a delicious breakfast and lunch for helping her move some things), I was ready to confront the situation with R.

He called just after he woke up from his drinking fest with his buddy (hadn't even had coffee yet!). I talked to him about what happened on Friday night, explaining how I saw things his way (and wanted him to see his friend!). Basically, that my problem was NOT that his plans were changing but that he didn't let me know SOONER that they were going to change. I mean, stuff is going to come up that both of us are going to have to do sometimes instead of going ahead with our own plans. Also, that if he's going to talk to me he needs to do that without others interrupting. He was sweet and apologetic, even multiple times letting me know that he was sorry that I was so upset about things and that he wouldn't let it happen again.

I feel like I approached it in a good way and didn't bring up old things, and wasn't sarcastic, and just let him know what I wanted him to do (which was call me at WORK or where ever I am and let me know ASAP if plans are changing). I didn't play games and he was loving and responsive. I really feel like he reacted perfectly to the situation. I am feeling confident that we are getting very good at resolving issues together. I also feel that he really wants to please me and make me happy so he is very receptive.

Later in the day

He picked me up for a great date and we had a drive (literally through a park on walking paths...oops) and then got a movie and fried chicken. I haven't had fried chicken since I was a kid so that was awesome. We spent a low-key evening in and the time connecting with him was what I needed to make the loooong week go away and to repair any little lingering hurt from the previous night.

So far, so good. The only thing I want is more time with him doing nothing. If I'm with him, by his side I am content. He is good company and I love to be happy around him.

Missing the Point

2007-06-16T03:52:00.000-07:00

Sleepover, failed.

I'm rounding up on the last few nights here in downtown, and my neutral colored carpets are littered with boxes. My walls stand bare-- pictures of friends laughing are wrapped neatly in tissue paper, cards from family are stacked carefully in a shoebox instead of displayed on my counter.

I'm nostalgic and happy; sad and excited; tired yet energetic.

Against that backdrop of things, R was supposed to come over last night and hang out with me while I kept organizing. I came home from work a bit early, took a shower and got dolled up, put on cute pajamas and put in an order for delicious delivered food.

I set into organizing things and didn't worry when it turned 7:30, 8, 8:15 and he hadn't called. Sometimes he works late. I kept working and didn't worry.

8:30. He calls. His best guy friend, whom he had been having issues with (the guy is a bit of a flake) and he were clearly already hanging out. I could hear his friend loudly talking in the background on his phone and then to R directly. R apologized for not coming over to help. I wanted to scream at him IF YOU WERE REALLY SORRY YOU WOULDN'T BE DOING THIS! But I didn't. Stunned, I kept my cool. I wasn't just talking to him, I was talking to his friend too, and if I flipped out not only would it make him look bad but me too. He gave me no choice but to be cool. I let him know that I have to go, I have to deal with the food and change out of my cute pajamas and see if someone else wants to come and hang out with me.

8:45. I'm still sitting at the desk where I was working when he called, looking out the window at the skyline. Tears.

9:00. Is my mascara running? Shit. I change into some grubby clothes (an old shirt, some old boxers) and put my hair into a ponytail. God, my hair looked so beautiful, too--it is getting so long again and has the prettiest red tones to it.

9:15. The delivery guy comes with my food, and it smells wonderful, but I can't eat it. Tears.

No packing gets done. No organization takes place.

Instead, I cry on the phone to a girlfriend who assures me that:

1. R wasn't doing it to hurt my feelings, but he does need to understand that it did
2. Men are not naturally thoughtful unless they have been trained to think about things from someone else's point of view

I crawl into bed, teary and miserable, angry at myself for being upset over something like this. I understand he wanted to make amends with his friend. At the very least, he could have stepped outside or something so he could have called me in private to tell me he wasn't coming--he has a better shot at sounding like he's listening and like he's concerned if he's not standing shoulder to shoulder with his guy friends. Secondly, he could have told his friend he'd meet up with him later, and then had dinner with me here and then went out. I would have understood much easier had he done either of those things.

Maybe I'm the one Missing the Point

I have always taken it really, really hard when someone's supposed to do something with me and then they are unable to. Even if they have a good reason, it still feels like rejection and I still feel upset, lonely and unimportant. I work very hard to be organized so that I don't fall through on plans for people that I care about. Actually being there for people is what counts. It is one of the few things that I have a hard time letting go of--what I see as a small broken promise.

I know that this stems from the fact that I'm adopted and so I have abandonment and trust issues, blah blah blah, and I know that one of the reasons that I married my ex was that he was very sensitive to the fact that I needed his attention a lot (especially when I was younger).

If R wants me to trust him and be loyal to him, he needs to think of things from my point of view and handle disappointments for me with kid gloves. It is okay for things to come up, I understand that it is going to happen, but even if the reason is very good (and legit) and I would agree that he should do it, I'm still going to feel a little upset. It is a sticking point for me.

I've gotta decide if I'm going to try to get more sleep this morning or if I'm already up for the day. Yuck.

It's not PMS, It's YOU

2007-06-14T04:13:00.000-07:00

To the cab drivers who always cut me off on every main downtown street possible: you are a fucking asshole. You drive all day (you drive "professionally") and you are the absolute worst. $2.00 just to get in the cab so I can smell your BO, Mohammed? I don't think so.

It's not PMS, it's YOU.

To the callers at work who ask me simple questions that can be found on our f-ing website: you are a complete idiot. Yeah, I'd like to ask you a question, captain. How in the world did you get that high-paying job? Ohhhhhh, riiiiiight. You're USED to some pee-on assistant doing all of your thinking/reading/writing for you so you can do whatever it is that you do. Silly me. You wanted me to read the website to you; and while I'm at it, why don't I just pick up your lunch at Corner Bakery?!

It's not PMS, it's YOU

To the mounting load of laundry in my living room...I am going to deal with you sometime soon. I know I've been saying that for a week. But unlike winter clothes I have a TON of summer clothes. So, I can really hold out for a pretty good while.

That will be all.

I ALWAYS do this! (I think.)

2007-06-12T20:59:00.001-07:00

Overthinking the off days

Every three and a half weeks, when I am "pre-PMS", I get all disorganized on the inside.

Suddenly slightly insecure, I don't have the usual confidence in others that I normally do. I think that R is pissed at me (or doesn't love me as much as I thought, or that something he's doing is irritating) when he clearly isn't, he does, and he's not being irritating. I think that my co-workers who are great are being short with me. I'm sure that I look fattier in those jeans (and do they REALLY go with this top?).

Ugh.

Even I don't like to be around myself when I'm simpering. Unmotivated and forgetful, I plan and think about doing productive things but then...don't actually do them or move on to an activity before finishing the first. WHERE IS MY HEAD?

What is bad is that I want to blame it on my normal cycle of PMS and period life but I think it is just my normal cycle of being, that I'm going to spend a few days each month kind of put out and not on my A-game. Cross. Insecure. Unsure. Questioning. (God, help me.)

Upon mentioning this to one of my best friends, she was quick to comment that while I seem distracted and less organized than usual right now, that I'm not mean to others or rude or anything. She laughed and mentioned, "Kate. In the four years I've known you I don't think you've EVER said anything even close to MEAN to me, even a few times when I deserved it."

Apparently I am not a person who handles having an off day (or two, or three) well. It is good to hear that I am not a total bitch to others (even when I feel cross) and I'm sure we all have those "Am-I-Crazy?" moments in life. Those moments where we shouldn't call someone, but should just go to bed and hope tomorrow is better.

It is possible that I just need to go day by day through this month, get out of this apartment, get settled into the new apartment, and get ready for school. I also hate transitions. The stress on me due to the transition of moving my life to the suburbs (instead of "downtown") and on starting school is probably closing in on me a lot more than I had anticipated.

In other news, R is a really good cook. He has even printed out some recipes from the Food Network for the next time I come over and he cooks (steaks with Whiskey Cream sauce, yum!). He cooks and then he does ALL of the cleaning. (Back off, ladies, he's mine.) He invited me to his family's house for Father's day (at his moms' request--yay!) and is excited about coming home with me in July. He's helping me with my move and is being a great boyfriend. He wouldn't be putting so much effort in if he didn't think I was totally great.

I need to get back in my own groove, pronto.

Baked, Not Fried

2007-06-11T06:59:00.000-07:00

Sunburn!
If you all could see how funny my sunburn looks you would die laughing. It is mainly on my chest and shoulders, so it looks like I am wearing a squarish dickey over the top of my body. The dickey of pain. I can't believe I just typed that.

Having a sunburn has made me kind of cross. Like yesterday morning, R made me a great CD and then sat out on his porch, smoked, read the Onion and drank his coffee. I sat out there with him, crunching my toast, restless, burned and cross, wondering if he was ignoring me to read the Onion. (Answer to trivia question: He wasn't. The Onion is awesome. Shit, I would ignore me to read the Onion. The Sun-Times, no, but the Onion, yes.)

Play me a Song
Last night we did do something that reminded me of college. I laid on the couch on his porch and he had me wear the earbuds of his ipod. Relaxed, I listened as he played me some of his new favorite music and then he was like, "Oh, I'll play a song for you" which I assumed was going to be romantic and then he busts out with "I'm so Ronery" from Team America. I laughed about it and was like, THIS is the SONG you picked for ME? Are you sure?

So then he picked a sweet country song that I hadn't heard before (and am trying to figure out who it was and what song it was) and then also played me "Ticks" by Brad Paisley.

I had to drive home after that because I hadn't packed a bag, and it was kind of nice to venture out into the night and think about being with him, and wish that I was staying with him but actually go home and sleep in my own bed. At any rate it means I don't have to get woken up by his early alarm and probably needed to sleep by myself because of the sunburn.

He did made sure that we were still on for our Monday Night date (which used to be about watching Jack Bauer) and told me that I should pack a bag for tonight, and I will. Gotta get off of itunes and blogger and get to work!

xoxo
K

Fuzzy

2007-06-08T21:06:00.000-07:00

I want to stay up and write in my journal or on here about how you took me to the ballgame last night and bought really good seats for us, about how you looked meanly at those guys who threw peanuts my way, about how you kept your arm protectively around me all night.

I want to write about how your sister told you that I'm the "sweetest girl ever" and that in her opinion, you should marry me (but just not right now--she needs to live at your house for now!), and how blushy and cute you looked when you relayed the story to me.

I want to sit up and organize my move more tonight, put more papers into files and decide which clothes I don't need, pour over my school orientation schedule again.

But instead, I'm exhausted. Exhausted from the work week, exhausted and fuzzy because your alarm woke me up today at 5 am and jolted me into awareness far earlier than I would have preferred. I did go back to sleep, but it's not the same. Once I get out of bed for more to pee, it is not the same. (I know, I just typed "pee.")

I'm fuzzy and it's time to let this sleepiness envelope me and cruise into tomorrow.

Love you!
K

A Goodbye to the Omniverse

2007-06-07T10:50:00.001-07:00

Dear Readers (yes, all four of you and that interested-looking-tumbleweed in the corner):

Recently a long-time blogger, Omni, decided to call it quits to have more personal time. I understand that--we all need to take care of ourselves first.

I know it is kind of hilarious/ironic for a blog like this with "the lipstick pink and the boyfriend talk" to be paying homage to a thoughtful, well-written blog like hers, but I thought I'd do it anyway.

Her serious posts about karma, evil people, relationships and life in general have always been refreshing for me--something on the internet that I had to focus on and then really think about.

She doesn't have comments so this post is my comment: Omni, thank you for your intelligent, candid contributions to the blogosphere. You will be forever missed.

Love Always,
Kate

Weekender

2007-06-03T19:26:00.000-07:00

Friday night:
Work stress for you. I brought over the stuff for homemade BBQ Pizza and you cheered up in pretty short order. Pirates of the Caribbean part one. Desserts with fresh fruit. You falling asleep on the couch. Us moving to your bed. Me falling asleep in your arms.

Saturday:
We're up pretty early. Moving your house around. Getting ready for your sister to move in. Sweeping your hardwood floors. You cleaned your fridge. We took the trash out. All of your family was at your sis's new place and up all three flights of stairs to yours. Your mom and I went to get key copies. Your sis and I went to get food for the BBQ. You and I left the moving crew to go to a BBQ with my friends. You played with their baby. They had great food. I was so proud to have you with me. You were sweet and loving. We were exhausted and slept amazingly soundly.

Sunday:
Coffee together on your porch, cozy on the couch that still needs to be moved into the house. Fresh cherries and conversation about God and life and everything else. Lots of kisses, not too sad to leave your place 'cause I'll see you tomorrow night. Shopping with a girlfriend in the afternoon--found a faaaaaabulous pink shoulder bag for school and some cute earrings. Ice cream and a late light dinner with another girlfriend in the evening.

NOT looking forward to packing my things to move.
NOT looking forward to WORK tomorrow.
NOT looking forward to not being able to work out for a couple weeks (mild knee injury).

That's all.

May Turns to June

2007-05-27T22:03:00.000-07:00

Weekend update, part I

Friday night I learned of the death of a good family friend. I left you a message, knowing that you might already be asleep, my voice cracking but my words clear. It was not a distress call, but rather a "If I'm sad, here's why" kind of call.

Within the hour you called me back. I talked to you about what happened and then realized that I didn't want to stay by myself. I asked you if you were going right back to bed and you said that you were but that I could come if that's what I was asking. I was. You knew.

You held me and I cried. I sighed and you slept. Waking up the next day I was with you and I know that being around the people I love is most important to me loving my life while I get to enjoy...life.

I wanna laugh
until I cry
wake up with you each day
'til the day I die

Let's go down to 'Orleans
and watch the parade
take funny pictures
eat jambalaya and drink lemonade

On Saturday, we went to a big festival together and spent the better part of the day eating delicious fried foods, corn on the cob and drinking beer. The live music was really good too. We admired the darling children and you talked about how you want some of your own. (I hear you, sweetie. First things first, right?) What I didn't share was that I am struck by the sense that we would have really beautiful children-I would hope that they would have my freckled complexion and your eyes. (And your nose! I hate my nose!) Not that I am in any way, shape, or form ready to be someone's mother but it is fun to think about it a little bit. And it is amazing that we can joke about having children together. I guess not much is off-limits with us. We continue to chart all kinds of waters. Anyway. Back on topic.

You made me try a pizza puff which is most certainly the absolute unhealthiest thing I have ever eaten. (It was delicious, though. You were right. You generally are.) Next you're going to make me eat gyros, maxwell st. polish and probably other things I have no idea even exist.

I have a garter belt from a whiskey vendor. We fell asleep on the couch to "History of the World, Part I." Sunday morning I hightailed it out of your place since your folks were coming to get you for mass. I certainly didn't want to have an awkward conversation with your mom/dad in the morning in the foyer of your building, me with my hair wet and my gym bag over one shoulder. I suppose that they probably know that I stay with you but I don't want to flaunt it. I'm prissy and am trying to be proper, clearly.

I wanna drive, till we get lost
lie in a field
staring up at the sky
while you point out the southern cross

somehow I know
without asking why
that you love me more in a minute
than anyone could in a lifetime

Life is good with Diet Sodas.
Today, I spent the better part of the day shopping with my good friend S. I found THREE fantastic pairs of shoes and a white skirt that is a real knockout. I organized my closets, bought some healthy food and am getting ready to move more close to school. Finally I got some laundry done (all the cool kids do laundry on Sun night, obviously) so I have some decent looking undies and some jeans. You have a box of diet sodas in your fridge for me and now so do I. Yeah!

Lyric credit: Amanda Marshall, Tuesday's Child.

Speed of Light

2007-05-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

Things are moving so quickly in every part of my life that I'm going to give the little updates from the various "Fronts"...also it is finally starting to warm up in Chicago which means it is TOO NICE outside to be in my apartment on my laptop.

Medical School Front
An envelope (a small one, too) arrived to let me know that I've been selected for a sizeable scholarship from a foundation in my hometown. I stood in my mailroom and cried. To be given such a generous gift, to be believed in by a group of people means so much and is a very humbling experience.

Tomorrow I get to go get blood drawn to see which vaccinations I need. I will be a human pin-cushion...I thought I was going to medical school to be on the GIVING end of the needles, not the RECEIVING end. Just kidding. (Kinda).

Apartment Front
I am able to get out of my very expensive downtown lease almost two months early to move closer to school. Woo! It will mean a little more hustle than I was expecting but is nothing that I can't handle.

I'm going to miss living right downtown but will certainly still be near Chicago. We'll see how this whole "stranded in suburbia" thing plays out. The rents are less (thank God) and they have strip malls! And parking! And IKEA! Yay.

Friend Front
Have been having a lot of fun meeting up different friends for dinner during the workweek...mostly to eat stir-fry or sushi. Yum. Am starting to think serious workout regimen will be in order very soon....

Met a few more of R's friends this weekend at his party. All of them are really good guys. Got to know R's sisters better this weekend as well.

Boyfriend Front
This past weekend we celebrated his 30th birthday in style...
Friday night was dinner and dessert...Saturday we went to a famous hot-dog stand, went bowling at the hip House of Blues and then I put together a get-together with family and friends at a favorite bar...Sunday (the actual birthday) we went to a big sports game and then went out later on (even though we were exhausted)...Monday night there was dinner and delicious pie at his parent's house.

I am reviewing the pics from the weekend and am starting to marvel at how awesome we're getting at taking pictures together. Some of them are so sweet, happy and playful rather than cut-and-paste perfect couple. Everyone who has seen some of them is like, "Wow! You guys take really awesome pictures."

This weekend we're planning to go to an Irish fest and I'm stoked about the 3-day weekend.
Love him. He loves me. We're enjoying every minute together and still wanting more. He is amazing.

More later.

xoxo
K

Beer Mecca, Weekend Plans (past & present)

2007-05-13T22:31:00.000-07:00

Hello again

Dear R,

I am right in the middle of planning a totally fabulous birthday weekend for you. This involves very serious and pressing questions such as:

"Which jeans am I going to wear on Sunday?"
"When am I going to bake a cake? Do I have cake pans?"
"When is your friend going to call me back?"

You, however, are not terribly amused about your birthday, and we've had this talk a million times, but we are going to have fun, dammit. If it kills both of us.

And...it just might kill me. I am in hyperdrive working on planning out what I have to do, when I am going to do it and on and on. Baking you a real birthday cake would be a lot easier if I had actual cake pans. Oh, and all of the stuff, the flour and the eggs and the organized kitchen spices in the neat little non-existent rack that I need to bake it. And then, I think that it might actually be cheaper to BUY a cake for you, which then makes me think that maybe I should just ORDER one and then not worry about it. (Brief break from blogging while I peruse bakery sites...)

Okay. I need to relax about the cakes. Sometimes my detail-oriented self gets carried away.

Time Flies when you're having fun
I notice that I haven't posted on here since last Tuesday, and really it is because I am working so diligently at coping through work, being a good friend (in real life) and being your girlfriend.

Being your girlfriend and loving you completely is becoming a full-time job for me since we are riding in to your 30th birthday--and when I type that it sounds like complaining but it really isn't--I do so well when I have "purpose", when I have things to do and people to well, fuss over. We've been dating for nearly six months now. Sometimes that seems like a long time but when I put it in perspective it really isn't that long. I don't want to bring up the fact that we've been dating this long to you because I don't want you to get the idea that we should celebrate some fake "anniversaries" or something or that we should be incredibly self-congratulatory about the longevity (heh) of our relationship. We need to keep moving forward for as long as we can. I'm in if you are.

This weekend we had a really good, really busy time.

I feel like I'm still catching my breath, but I am that great kind of tired, the kind where you just WANT to lay around and you know that you're spent from doing FUN things with people you love. (Hell, sometimes I feel tired and I've done absolutely NOTHING. So it is an improvement to be tired about something ACTUAL.)

Friday: I helped you polish off a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's sorbet. You made delicious steak sandwiches for us for dinner. We lazily watched "Indiana Jones" on the couch. We both fell asleep--probably because it was late and we were laying so comfy and warm together.

Saturday: We headed out to Milwaukee to go on the Brewery tour at Miller. We only stopped on our way once to have lunch at Apple Holler, which was kitschy and cute. Any place that serves Apple Butter & Cornbread when you first sit down is OK with me. And Miller Time was as good as always. Like an idiot I forgot my camera so we bought a disposable camera that was affectionately called the "Beer Cam." Upon returning back to Chicago, you patiently waited while I did a quick wardrobe change and then we met up with friends for a double dinner date and "Spiderman 3."

Sunday: We slept in this morning and then went our separate ways; I to meet a girlfriend for brunch and you to head out to your parent's house. Late tonight you called me on your way back from your folk's to say hi, to talk and to confirm that we're on for tomorrow.

I am falling asleep at the keyboard so gotta turn in.

Love until later,
K
xoxo

All Crinkly

2007-05-08T21:27:00.000-07:00

I hate the way my face feels when I've been crying

It doesn't matter if I'm 6 or 16 or 25. Apparently, my eyes are going to sting, my neck is going to ache, and the whites of my eyes slightly crimson.

I had a Lean Cuisine pizza for dinner and the garlic is still in my teeth.

My top half is in the blouse I was wearing for work and my bottom half in polka-dot boxers.

My head won't stop pounding, my alarm is too early and I'm still on the computer for who-knows-what reason.

I can't handle the work stress and the idea of pulling money from savings for the start of med-school.

I spoke cordially to my ex only to confirm that my minimal payments will be coming this summer--I'll need it for books and lab fees and ramen.

R sent me a sweet text message tonight--that he had a bad day (we knew it was going to be so, not that it makes it better) but that the note I left him (this morning, on his pillow) brightened his day. Love him. Love him with the little, tiny bit of energy I have left rustling around somewhere in there.

This too, shall pass.

Just relaxing is so underrated

2007-05-06T21:35:00.000-07:00

Things I liked about myself this weekend:

1. I had a lot of "naughty" foods like a cheeseburger, a cookie, a quesadilla--and I didn't "overdo" any of them. I ate as much as I wanted (never the whole thing) and then left the rest. Ditto with alcohol--I can count the drinks I had this weekend on one hand. But I didn't feel deprived. Somehow when everything's okay and there are no "bad" foods, there is no binge eating.

2. I burned off a lot of the calories from above food by helping clean house, by walking places instead of driving and by staying on my feet.

3. I let myself take a nap when I got tired and overwhelmed on Saturday afternoon. For a whole hour. I slept AWESOME.

4. I didn't take things too personally. By things, I mean, stuff that went bad for other people that had NOTHING to do with me. I kept smiling and stayed relaxed. I didn't hurry places and I didn't worry too much.

5. I resisted the urge to call R right back after getting his sweet message tonight, in fact, I didn't call him back tonight at all. Less is more. A little bit of space brings closeness. I love the way he said he appreciated the weekend, that he said that he loves me, and that he wants to see me tomorrow for sure. It would have been nice to talk to him, but at the end of the weekend my mind is in a million places and I was still enjoying churning our experiences together through my mind, going over the things we did together. (And I know I'm going to see him tomorrow night, so I am all set in knowing what to expect.)

6. I got mom's day cards for my grandmom, my aunt and R's mom and filled them all out and got them all ready to go (with addresses and stamps and everything!). So I'll be right on time with the cards. Yay!

xoxo
K

Why Not?

2007-05-03T19:41:00.000-07:00

Text Time is "Fun" Time

2:45 pm today: "My cousin invited me for blah blah tonight. Can we raincheck until tomorrow?"
-R

I didn't see this message until about 5-fucking-30, about right after when I had happily re-applied my eyeshadow, lip gloss and put a fresh coat of body butter on my legs, feet and shoulders to get ready to go see R. Hands shaking, breath caught in my throat, I pounded out the following...

5:45 today: "Okay. Have fun."
-Kate

Commence inner screaming. I don't know if it was the extra pep from the 16 oz energy drink I had just downed (I know, I know they are bad for me) but I was PISSED.

I packed an overnight bag for...this?
After how hectic work has been, how unsure I felt after leaving him that note, after BLOW DRYING MY HAIR THIS MORNING and wearing gorgeous lingerie under my work clothes, I just felt like crying. (Like I match my lingerie when no one is going to see it. Give me a break.)

I was so angry there would only be two choices (and, scarily, no inbetween) if I called him:
1. Completely flip out
2. Completely fake it
I did have the presence of mind to know that flipping out on him for changing plans was NOT the thing to do. Talk to him eventually-yes, but flip out or fake?

Phone a friend, Regis
So....instead, I cried on the phone to my best girlfriend: "I look sooooooooo beautiful and he's cancelling on me and I said it was okay because I'm an asshole and I didn't see his text until RIGHT NOW and it's SO LATE and I'm an idiot and just, just, shitballsmotherfucker!" I think I said all of that IN ONE BREATH. Probably at an octave only understood by dolphins.

And, she gave me some of my own advice after a little pep talk.

You're still learning to be flexible, to NOT take it SO personally when things come up for other people that make them have to change plans or that make them late places. You're considerate and organized and lovely. But, Kate? If you're upset and feeling put out, you need to tell him. He needs to understand that while you can switch nights for him, that you put a lot of effort into seeing him tonight and are disappointed. You need to tell HIM, not ME. When you're CALM.

I took a lot of big, deep breaths and started to get ready to hang tough.

I was able to call him when I got out to my car. I apologized that I didn't respond to him earlier--I was just super-busy at work and didn't mean to not get back to him sooner like I normally would (like, I wasn't trying to be passive-aggressive.) I let him know that it made it even harder for me because I saw it so late. I confessed sweetly that I missed him and was looking forward to tonight. That I was looking very pretty today because I knew I was going to see him, and that I'm wearing the cute summery lingerie I have--its time for the lacy whites, peaches and pastels.

Being Honest Always Works. (It sucks but it works.)
He was sympathetic and sweet, laughing that he was sorry and that I was "killing him" telling him about the underthings. He said he knew it was last minute and that's why he was "asking, not just saying that he was going." (And that sort of consideration, friends? That sort of consideration is awesome from a man, right there. That is love. I'm not his wife or his live-in girlfriend or anyone extremely "officially" serious and he ASKED me. Asked. Attaboy.)

I told him that I wanted him to go and that I had no problem with him going, but that I was disappointed because I was so excited about seeing him. He told me that he missed me and was looking forward to seeing me as well. I told him he might have to make it up to me by taking me out to eat tomorrow.

Despite the 0-to-60 emotional response, I'm in forward motion
And in retrospect? I took it as well as can be expected. I am doing better at being flexible. It is a tall order for me, and a BIG VICTORY that I called him to talk and let him know that I was all prepped to see him and changing plans at the last minute was kind-of-less-than-awesome for me. Even though I had to "bitch" a little and stand up for myself I am proud that I did. I am a person who will not take being shuffled out sitting down.

Blast from our dating past (January)--Remember how I said it was "totally okay" for him to go to that concert with Amy and then the morning after (the first wedding he took me to) I had a complete meltdown in the car with him? The meltdown is what we're trying to avoid. Even better would be not saying that I'm okay when I'm not, or saying that I'm okay but being specific.

Like tonight, instead of "Okay, Have Fun":
1. "Go ahead. I was looking forward to seeing you but want you to fit as many things in your week as possible. Have fun."
2. "Sounds fun. Too bad you're going to miss out on how cute I look today. See you tomorrow!"

Best of all would be staying really calm and skipping that part about crying on the phone to the girlfriends. I know it isn't going to always be possible. This is why God created girlfriends, Toblerones, Diet Coke and Whiskey.

Love until Later,
Kate

Love and Always, Reprise

2007-05-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

Vote Early & Often

I love how you guys all said that R would handle things well.
Nice work with the votes of confidence.

I guess the only one who's NOT confident around here sometimes is ME.

He called me tonight around 10, and left a short message, noting that he got my card and that he thought it was "very nice."

The understatement of the year

I poured my heart out onto paper and he says it is "very nice." At least he acknowledged it. Him not saying anything about it would have been bad, right? There could have been NO WAY that he didn't get it--it was on his bed. Let me tell you what leaving him that kind of love letter was---it was...

Totally brave...
Completely brazen...
Really honest...
Possibly crazy...
Kind of risky...

But I'm glad I did it. I am just trying to reciprocate his feelings for me--I know it is hard for him to say things like "I love you so much" but he did. On my voice mail. He says it sometimes when he puts me in the car, too.

When you love someone you want them to love you back.
When they love you back it is something rare. How many people out there love someone they can't have/doesn't love them/never going to be with? So if you love someone you do have and they love you, awesome. And I'm being brave enough to put it out there a little bit. (Okay, a lot brave. A lot braver than I've ever been in the past!!) But he's been putting it out there a little bit too. Right now we are kind of in the perfect relationship--we're getting close but have plenty of space. We could use more time together but are in no rush--both of us have a lot going on. He's going to be here for me and I'm going to be here for him, though. As long as both of us wants this and chooses it, it exists. Isn't that the only guarantee ANY relationship has? (I know, scary!)

It is nice to talk to him at night, plan out when I'm going to see him next and then have my WHOLE BED to myself. To not have to take a shower and shave my legs when I don't feel like it. To wear the GRANNY PANTIES that are NOT SEXY but are REALLY COMFY! (Thongs are comfy but I do like to alternate if I can...) (To seriously "let it rip" and not have to worry about someone walking into a cloud of stench. Because everyone knows hot, cool girlfriends don't fart!) Okay, back on topic.

Put it out there and then cool it, Kate!

I'm going to back off for a little while (like, after I left him that note, I didn't call him and instead waited for him to call, which was probably about 24 hours after he found that note...), which means not leaving any more love notes for awhile. I also didn't send him any cute texts today like I usually might and won't send any cute texts for the rest of the week. I don't want to bombard him with the sweet, sweet lovin' you know? I certainly don't wanna lay it on too thick.

I also feel hypersensitive to things once I share--like I worry if the gruffness in his voice is that he's impatient with me when it is most likely that he's exhausted and still needs to get his stuff together for work; or if the fact that he said that he didn't sleep well last night was because of my note, when really it was probably that he doesn't feel well or drank too much or whatever. It isn't always about me. I'm included in his life but things aren't always about and don't always include me. If I'm doing something he doesn't like he's pretty clear about it. So I need to hold off on the love notes for me, so that I can get a quick grip and not have to remind myself of stuff I already know.

xoxo
K

Confidential: Drama in an Envelope

2007-05-01T17:10:00.000-07:00

Readers:

This morning I left a note for R. On his bed. Near his pillow. (And you're thinking: Why is she freaking out about a note?)

It was more of a love letter. (Gulp!)

It was sweet and gentle and loving, actually an excerpt from a recent journal entry where I explain a few things, like how exciting it is that he says he loves me (which isn't really something I was expecting) and how I love our conversations together, and how I appreciate the way he trusts me. And I sign it "Love always." Love and Always. Love and Always.

The problem with leaving something like that is that once I locked the door to his house I couldn't undo it, you know? It was done and he's going to find it. It is on his bed in a little blue envelope.

I mean, the man did leave me a message on Sunday where he SAYS that I am the best and (get this) "I love you so much" soooooo......I guess Love and Always (in the same sentence) isn't going to freak him out. (I understand it probably took a lot of guts for him to say that to my answering machine. Yes, I've listened to it 800 times.)

But what if it does FREAK HIM OUT? That is always my fear, that if I share what's going on in my heart and in my mind (which I cannot take back) that it might be too much.

And then I think to myself, if our young love is crushed because I was sharing and being myself (and apparently me in love means that I like to leave little surprise notes, which he seems to dig) then he isn't the right man for me.

When I type that I feel better. The right man will be strong enough to read "Love and Always" in the same sentence from me. I need to share how I feel. The right man will be strong enough for me to love passionately, completely and always. Oh my GOD you guys, this whole adult love thing is kind of nuts!

I know he probably isn't home yet (he gets home late on Tuesdays) and that he knows I'm going out with a friend for dinner, so I might not even hear from him until late if at all.

What is he going to think? What is he going to say? I wish I could see his face when he opens it and his reaction, because we give real reactions when we aren't being watched by other people.

Okay. Enough worrying.

Love until later,
Kate

Only because she does good jazz hands

2007-05-01T12:18:00.000-07:00

I don't usually do these things, but because it's Tex I guess I will.
And it's one of those awful alphabet ones too. Oh boy.

A- Attached or Single? Attached. You all know him--R.
B- Best Friend: From the guy side of life, probably Nick, Andrew or Brian. From the girl side of life, probably Susan, Katie or Lindsay.
C- Cake or Pie: Pie.
D- Drink of Choice: Beer=Miller Lite, Mixed=Bacardi and Diet.
E- Essential Item: Estee Lauder Mascara in Black.
F- Favorite Color: Pink. Duh.
G- Gummi Bears or Worms? Gummi Bears 4 eva.
H- Hometown: Southern California.
I- Indulgence: Sleeping in Late. Buying things on Victoria's Secret Online. Ben and Jerry's.
J- January or February: January b/c of New Year's Eve, February b/c of 14th (if I have a man).
K- Kids: Not more than 4, someday. During or after residency. We'll see.
L- Life is incomplete without: Faith. Honesty. Love. Diet Coke.
M- Marriage Date: Who knows?
N- Number of Siblings: One sister
O- Oranges or Apples? Apples-but only if they are Pink Lady or Fuji. (I know, APPLE SNOB!)
P- Phobias/Fears. Not being able to have children. Falling down a flight of stairs. Being a bad MD.
Q- Favorite Quote: "To love and be loved is to feel the sun on both sides." D. Wiscott
R- Reasons to smile: A great family, some fun friends, and a fabulous boyfriend!
S- Season: Summer
T- Tag Three: A-So Midwestern, K-Not Yet a Girl, Not Yet a Wino and T-Tammy Talks Alot
U- Unknown Fact About Me: I LOVE to vaccum. Love it. Come and see how clean my carpets are.
V-Vegetarian or Not: I do love the meats. I do love the good Morningstar burgers though, too.
W- Worst Habit: I am a total chatterbox. Kind of neurotic. Perfectionist.
X – X-rays or Ultrasounds? Depends on the diagnosis. Take that Doogie Howser.
Y- Your Favorite Foods. Mashed Potatoes. Cheese. Fried Chicken. Mangoes. Chocolate Ice Cream.
Z- Zodiac: Sagittarius, in the house.

Sweet! But Boring! (Damn!)

2007-04-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

Life: More Happy
(Posts: More Boring!)

I realize that as my dating life calmed down, and I got into medical school, and am too tired to type out the work drivel, that this blog's main theme has become very close to a "I-love-my-boyfriend" dribble...I know you all are cheering for me, but I don't want you to get high blood sugar from sticking around here! It is more fun and funny to write about mishaps, the hilarious (and often unfortunate) stuff that makes us all slap our foreheads and be glad that it wasn't ACTUALLY US that it happened to. It is less fun to read about people getting along, about people getting to know each other better, about people growing together. Interestingly this is EXACTLY the kind of thing I ALWAYS want to read about and can't ever find. Someone who has a happy, in-depth thing about someone they love. An important relationship. Most often though we write about the odd fight, the weird occurrence, that awkward break-up story. I guess we are gluttons for punishment at heart, enjoying the times when things that should only happen on "Seinfeld" presumably happen to people in real life.

Wait, What?
Increasingly, my inner thoughts about R, as they become deeper and deeper and more personal, have gotten relegated to the leather-bound journal by my bed. It isn't that I don't want to tell you, internets-but it kind of is, too. R and I are working on being real with each other, on being brave enough to say how we feel and what we want and what our dreams are.

And that sort of stuff (unless it lends itself to a funny antedote or discussion) generally needs to stay between two people that have reached a certain point. Because, these things, these moments with him are getting too sweet for me to share, too emotional for me to want to let go of, if even for a moment.

Maybe I'll change my mind. Maybe not.

Things I Liked About Myself This Weekend
1. That I got my hair put up beautifully for the wedding we went to. I felt so much more confident knowing that I looked nicely put together, especially since I was introduced to so many people that have known R for so long.
2. That I didn't drink too much, even though there was an open bar.
3. That I loved the hell out of that man. That he loved the hell out of me.
4. That I actually made it to Mass on Sunday.
5. That I saw 3 friends (that are not R) for a meal or a drink this weekend. Good balance.
6. The way I feel when I listen to the amazingly sweet message from R on Sunday night.

xo
Kate

Pretty as a Prom Date

2007-04-25T21:35:00.000-07:00

i'll see you just in time to break the scene.
i'll rent a linen suit and a limousine.
and babe, i beg your pardon for this ordinary place.
i got money for the matinee of strangers,
and a million actors faces.

This weekend we're going to R's cousin's wedding. I have already set up a hair appointment-I'll be up at 7:45 am, sharp, so I can be at Mario Tricoci by 8:30. After balancing my hair color and trimming my ends, I'll have someone put my red-brown hair into soft, romantic curls and sweep it up on the sides. I have some pretty light-green clips for them to throw in that add just a touch of sparkle.

you'll pretty as a prom date
when you take all my blues.
and i won't mind all that goddamn makeup
if you wear your dancing shoes.

I'll duck into a cab to get home, my hair looking effortless and elegant, much too dressy for a Saturday morning at 10 am.

I'll slip on my red silk robe while I make sure that my eyelashes are curled, my manicure is perfect and I'm sweetly perfumed and moisturized from head to toe.

Despite the work, it is so fun to be a girl. To transform into an elegant, poised date for a wedding.

i love the way your bosom makes for an envious blouse,
gonna tie your Sunday dresses in a rope
and you crawl down the house
just to meet me.

I'll finish packing things into my overnight bag, including those fabulous makeup remover pads (Gotta have a way to undo all of that fabulous mascara, girls, right? Besides in the shower--that Marilyn Manson look isn't really me.) I'll fuss and smooth and turn and smile in the full length mirror by my bed. I'll get confident, relaxed and poised while reminding myself for the eight-hundredth time to not slurp soup, stand up straight for pictures and take it easy on the alcohol. I'll remember to really listen to people, wear my easy smile on my face as much as possible and reapply lipstick as needed in the bathroom. When you look the part, the part plays itself.

pretty girls are made for pretty pictures.

and witches are the women on the strip.
but baby, you were cut from cashmere and i'll be lying here,
'neath these sheets and deep asleep
my baby,
my hands tangled in your hair.

We'll head into the wedding together, me neatly tucked under his arm. He tends to lead us gently, his hands encircling mine, him giving me the occasional squeeze or wink like we've got some kind of inside joke going right then. And I'll smile and feel thankful to be with him. That sweetness we have between us is what makes us such a great couple. The fact that we're good looking just makes for pretty pictures. And there is nothing wrong with that.

(Excerpts from Joe Firstman, "Car Door (Dancing in the Aisles)."

Road Trip, Baby

2007-04-22T19:48:00.000-07:00

Alternate title for this post: "I love him so much!"
2nd Alternate title for this post: (Insert favorite driving music here)

Hi, Friends:

So I have been MIA for a few days here, mainly because Saturday morning we decided to go on a road trip. That's right. Impromptu ROAD TRIP. He gathered up his CD's (he's way better at picking out music than I am) and we both packed a bag and we were off!

It was our first-ever time going somewhere, being together more than an evening and an overnight or whatever. We were together for 24+ hours. And it was wonderful. We were laughing, talking, kissing, sharing, having a great time even on the (long) ride home. If there was going to be a meltdown, it would be then, when we were tired and facing the work week ahead.

There wasn't a point where I felt that I needed to "tolerate" him or that I "needed my space" or any of that. I also didn't feel "clingy" or anything like that. I relaxed and was myself, not worrying about anything but having a good time.

We had a few minor snafus, of course, like that we got pulled over for speeding (and got away with just a warning!) and the hotel gave us two double beds instead of one king (we slept in the same bed anyway!) but so far, so good.

I am catching on to his sense of humor and he to mine a lot more. I feel like we were laughing a TON this weekend, joking about everything and anything that we saw, enjoying ourselves and each other.

He actually did a lot of talking while we were driving, which is always nice. Having him open up means that he trusts me and that we're getting closer. Even if what we're talking about is uncomfortable, unfamiliar or odd to me I am glad that we are able to talk.

I have been getting used to the fact that he doesn't SAY that he loves me very often (he's more of a show-not-tell type, you know?) , so when he was coming around to my car to say a final goodbye, I was taken aback by how he gave me one more kiss and said "I love you." Flustered a bit, I let him know the same. I don't even remember driving home because I was so excited about the trip, heady and distracted from the weekend that we spent and then him telling me that he loves me. Like in the movies.

It would have been nice (and totally fine) for me to stay with him tonight but I didn't have the stuff I need for work tomorrow with me (and I wanted to check on my place) so I headed home. It is good to be in my bed and I am calm, tired and happy. It is nice for me to have the time to reflect on what a great experience that was and on what a peaceful time we had together. I'm hoping that as he goes about his business tonight he'll be thinking of our times together, too.

What is interesting is that the closer we get the less I worry that this won't turn into something serious down the road. If it continues this way and we keep going deeper and deeper together, things will fall into place naturally, as they should. I think I'll keep being me (the calm, cool version of me, if possible) and keep loving him and just let it ride.

xoxo
K

Good PR: A Total Knockout

2007-04-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

There's enough nasty gossip in the world. Let's hear it for the positive PR moments in life.

Specifically, when one of your boyfriend's friends informs him that they think you're a "total knockout."

Yeah! R was kind of matter of fact about telling me the story, and then added that "It's true, you're stunning."

Also, at the concert last weekend, one of R's coworkers, a slim, matter-of-fact brunette, Leslie, was kind enough to take me aside and inform me that R has told all of the paramedics about how I'm going to medical school, about some of the gifts I've given him, etc. She also mentioned that he talks about me a lot (!), but that she didn't want him to get mad at her for telling me that he was talking about me at work. Let's face it, she couldn't have been totally bullshit because she knew things (little, specific things) about me that I DIDN'T TELL HER MYSELF.

More important than what his friends/family think about me is what HE thinks about me, and he is kind enough to think I look beautiful in the morning when I wake up (even with serious bedhead) and to mention that my hair always looks nice. Love him. Love that.

I'm glad that I am physically attractive to others (I am kind of a late bloomer, admittedly, perpetually late to the "cool & sexy" party)...but am still focused on being an intelligent, thoughtful person. Because nerdy and fun has never failed me; and apparently, I look pretty hot geeking out. Hurray!

I want all of you readers to tell someone that you think is beautiful that you feel that way about them, but only if it is true, and only if you can be sincere. Let's spread the positive PR this week.

Weekend Update (not w/Tina Fey)

2007-04-15T21:29:00.000-07:00

A Ph.D in packing, please...
I headed over to R's directly after work Friday, which required some logistical planning in terms of what to pack and what to bring. But, being the total type-A organizer that I am, you all know I had everything. (Except a pair of underwear for Saturday. This posed a problem the next morning. I am a complete priss when it comes to undies. I will not put the same pair on twice.) So now there is a designated section in my gym bag for underwear. Inevitably you all know this will lead to the "Now WHERE did I put that green thong?" and a 15-minute search of my underwear drawer, laundry basket and hamper will ensue to locate said item. But I digress.

We met up with some friends at a bar/club on the southside to see a band, which I wasn't sure I was going to like.....but ended up really enjoying the music. (I also have really good balance-a-bucket-of-beers-on-my-hip skills, for those playing along at home. Must come from those waitressing days....)

Wedding Date, Part II
Saturday AM. A hungover (but surprisingly jovial!) R invited me to his cousin's wedding in a couple of weeks. (This is a family wedding. Woo.) I remember seeing the pretty parchment invitation on his desk and silently started to panic when the weeks went by and he didn't invite me. I played it cool in front of him and didn't ask questions like, "Are you going to that wedding? Do you need a date?" Instead I admitted this small (yet relevant) anxiety to a few of my (more) rational friends, who looked amused and offered me the following gem: "He probably hasn't decided if he's going yet. Or maybe he doesn't like that side of the family. Relax. He'll ask. Get a real problem, K."

Oh, you guys.

You were/are so right, and were confirming what I had only briefly thought in my own mind. (I am getting a little mature voice in there. Somewhere. Its quiet but it is there.) By this morning, I had actually forgotten about the wedding invite and the whole thing so was pleasantly surprised to be invited. Again, another victory in terms of managing my own irrational fears and being mature enough to not press them into our relationship. THANK YOU to all of you who stand by so patiently and hold my hand.

I'll have the apple turnover any day of the week!
Saturday PM. R calls me in the early evening to see what time I was thinking we'd do dinner and start our evening date. (He is getting so good at calling me--when he does the follow up with me it makes me feel like I am so important to him.) We agree on 7:30. Turns out he's been wanting to try this little steakhouse in his neighborhood. The food was amazing, the atmosphere homey, the drinks strong, and the waitstaff personable and really enjoyable.

I love that he likes to go to little-hole-in-the-wall places. The stately old architecture of the place made it a natural for the two of us to share how we've both dreamed of renovating an older home, keeping the old rustic woodwork, ceilings and structures and modernizing other parts of the home. (Besides--there is 0% chance that new construction might have a friendly ghost, right?)

We talked about all kinds of things, and he was gentlemanly and happy. Let's face it: the man loves to eat. And I love to be around him when he's enjoying things, when he's laughing, when he's content and talkative. He talks a million miles an hour when he's excited, starting sentences with, "Oh!" We had salads, steaks, potatoes, drinks, coffee and dessert all to the sounds of Sinatra, Gershwin and other famous crooners. Of course, I ended up with a to-go bag.

This afternoon when he called to see how my day was going (again, awesome with the calling) he informed me that "his cats" had eaten my leftover steak. Without even warming it up. I laughed and told him that I kind of expected that sort of thing to happen, and that the cats are lucky that I like them so much.

An outstanding weekend, all in all.

Writing to you again...

2007-04-10T15:54:00.002-07:00

[Readers: I have realized sometimes the words come easier if I act like I'm talking to someone. This post is written like I'm talking to R. xoxo, K]

Time Out
Yesterday you had the day off of work. (Today you called off of work, too.) That makes two (2!) whole consecutive days that you didn't have to work. (I'd be jealous but you deserve it.) You looked guilty this morning, suspicious and smirking as you laid in bed with me on a Tuesday (generally terrible Tuesday, as dubbed by you) at 7 am. Seven AM must have been like really sleeping in for you. You were more tired than usual because of my mattress terrorism.*

Just Pack A Bag
You conceded that the way I behaved two nights ago threw you off. I confessed that I was already upset about things I couldn't verbalize; that I had to go to work on Monday morning, that I wasn't spending the night with you. I didn't want to take things out on you that weren't your fault (transference is ugly, friends) so I fled the scene.

You were relentlessly rational: "Kate, I could have waited for five minutes while you ran in and packed an overnight bag if you wanted to stay with me."

I loved you for saying that but at the same time feel like a yutz for not thinking of it myself. I need to just say what it is that I want and not be afraid of that. I'm trying to be better for you, I'm trying to step up and behave like a real adult, all of the time, not just when I feel like it or when things are going well for me. You are not a mind reader. I am stubborn, impatient, passionate, emotional, insecure and confident all at the same time. When I'm thrown off or under a lot of pressure I have a hard time balancing. It's nice to know that if I need to get my balance again, I can grab onto you.

I brought a peace offering of red bull to your house, only because I learned the hard way that Walgreen's here doesn't have beer. I would have brought beer. We spent a pretty nice evening with your friend, and even though you love spending time with him, you hinted to me in a few ways that him sticking around until late was NOT what you had in mind. I reinforced to you that I think it's awesome that you spend time with your friends, and that it is IMPORTANT because while I'm a lot of good things, I certainly can't be everything you need. You squeezed me when I said that.

Mattress Terrorist*
I also terrorized you some more last night, because after your 4:30 am alarm (that you didn't need) went off and woke me up, and I made a trip to the bathroom, I got back in bed on "your" side of the bed. The reason I did this was because "your" side of the bed was the only side I would fit on (laying very carefully on my side) because of the way you were sprawled across the mattress. You apparently did not sleep well after this (?!?!?) because me laying on that side of the bed TOTALLY THREW YOU OFF. I'm sorry!

Look at us, we are trying so hard. Really putting the work in.
Despite me totally wrecking your sleep schedule, we had a good time together last night and this morning. I was comforted by your touch, your kisses, your words. The easy way you apologized for teasing me, you didn't mean to hurt my feelings. I know you didn't mean to do that. You were trying to make me laugh and I wasn't in a place where I could laugh. The way you let me know that you were just teasing me and that you're willing to be patient with me. I respect you so much for that, for being strong enough to apologize to me and share some of the miscommunication even though it was mainly not your fault.

Today I wasn't incredibly dolled up when I left for work (I showered with your pert plus and did a perfunctory makeup job) and you told me that I looked nice. When you say something like that to me I think about it a little all day.

It's nice that you're not sick anymore. It's nice that we got some real time to connect together. A little bit of time with you really helps me to feel much better if I need your physical or verbal reassurance.

Submit me for....bitchalyzation

2007-04-08T20:52:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going to scream.

I forgot that part of this relationship thing meant that the good and the bad come together. The good--that when I'm talking with you about something hurtful (that harsh tone of voice you use sometimes when you're stressed or overwhelmed) that you apologize. You listened empathetically. You made sure your face was calm and sweet. You said you understood, but a little too quickly. It was only that your timing was poor, baby.

And then you started teasing me about something else.

And I want to cry. And I want to scream.

And I want to yell at you: Tomorrow's Monday! I have to go back to work and I am not pleased! I wanted to stay at your house! I wanted to hang out with you! But I don't. I let you kiss me once, I let myself out of your truck (probably a bunch of kisses and a hug short from what you had in mind) and walked into my building, stopping to look over my shoulder where you were waving.

I looked so incredibly pretty tonight, too. My hair was TOTALLY PERFECT. Did you notice how long and beautiful my eyelashes looked? I still put a LOT of effort into looking gorgeous when we're going somewhere together, especially if it involves your family or your friends. I take pride in my appearance. I am going to enjoy my 20's, and I am going to celebrate myself--let myself understand my beauty in and out.

I listen patiently to all kinds of stories about people I don't know, places I am not familiar with, things I have no frame of reference for. I make sure that my body language and tone of voice validates the listener. I make damn sure that I'm making eye contact. I am trying so hard to be the best version of me, always.

I want them to think that I fit perfectly into your life.
I want them to think I'm the best thing that ever happened to you.
I know you're one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Actually sometimes I think that the fact that they all like me so much kind of scares you. I don't think you're used to having a girlfriend who makes you look so good. I know you didn't think I existed or that second chances even do happen.

Let's review the facts:
I am a kick-ass girlfriend.
I dress beautifully, behave thoughtfully and try to offer the BEST version of myself.
I'm self-sufficient.
I'm going to be a doctor.

Normally I would text you now to apologize for being upset, for running away slightly, for not giving you the extra time you probably wanted at the end of the evening. I am NOT apologizing for what I'm doing or how I'm feeling from now on. I am not a doormat.

I wanted to be at your place tonight, snuggled into bed with you now.
OR
I wanted to know that you wanted me to come over tomorrow night, tonight, so I could pack a bag and take it to work with me.

Yeah, I'm about 72% bitchy right now. It's probably good I'm here.

Momma said knock you out

2007-04-03T20:28:00.000-07:00

I don't like to
Be alone at night
And I don't like to
hear I'm wrong when I'm right

Today was a hell of a day.
I zebra-striped my face with mascara at work with my tears.
My stomach ached and begged me to not eat for the rest of my life, because if I put food in it, the internal and external pressure surrounding my desk would make me explode, and they would have to scrape me off of the walls.

And I don't like to have the rain on my shoes
but I do love you
but I do love you

It was the kind of day that coming home, when little things here went wrong, like I couldn't find my cute yellow hair-tie or misplaced my stamps to mail my bills, I had to fight back tears.

My grandfather's birthday was today. I spoke to him briefly. He could tell I was sad. He told me he loved me about 3 times, which is a lot for him. We can go three or four conversations and him never say it. Somehow he knew I was melancholy. I shouldn't be surprised. The man has known me my whole life.

I don't like to
see the sky painted grey
and I don't like when
nothing's going my way

It was fitting that it rained today, that the thunder and lightning started up as I was pumping my gas before work today. What were you trying to tell me, God? I know I'm being dramatic but looking back over the day, that was kind of an omen. Also I burned the toast I made myself at R's house this morning. Right then and there, I should have climbed back under his comforter and gone back to sleep.

and I don't like to
be the one with the blues
but I do love you
yes I do love you

Can you imagine what he would have done, coming home at 7 or 8 or 9, finding me still in his bed with my pj's on, still under the covers despite the lightning and thunder?

Love everything about the way you're lovin' me
the way you rest your head upon my shoulder when you sleep
I'd love to kiss you in the rain
I love everything you do
Oh, I do

Last night he was amazing. Totally amazing. Being with him, even for a couple of hours before going to bed is really great. Snuggling in with him and resting my head on his strong chest and feeling his breath on my hair is so nice. I feel so content when I'm laying there with him.

I'm nervous that he doesn't sleep as well if I'm there with him. What is funny is he probably doesn't sleep as well if I am not sleeping well because I'm nervous he's not sleeping well. Whew. That was a complicated sentence.

All I know is that I am exhausted, upset about some of my work situations, and ready for it to be the weekend already. I am that quiet, profound kind of sad. It is that weird river-runs-deep type. Before it gets out of control I will ask for help but as of right now I have it under control. I know that as great as R or any of my friends are, they cannot help me cool my internal climate if I am not willing to let it be cooled. I know that I choose how I react and respond to things and I am trying to choose to be positive.

What is complicated is that normally I am positive and do not have to "choose" or "try" to be positive. Naturally perky, my baseline is that of a person who is pretty content. Now I feel like I'm struggling to climb back up to my baseline, hanging perilously below where I should be. Forcing smiles and appropriate sentences feels like I am dangling even further from my real self. I hate getting knocked out of my groove because it is like I get knocked clear out of myself.

Again I find it odd that I can be so strong and so put together for so long and then get taken down like this. I am usually too proud to break. Guess today I was low on pride. It is weird to have so much happy and sad within me. Normally the sad is so little or non existent that I don't even notice it is there. I guess I need to have these times so I can be thankful that I am generally so blissful.

Lyrics from Lee Ann Rimes "I do love you"

Balancing Act

2007-04-01T17:12:00.000-07:00

Every time it rains I listen to the sky
And wonder what's so great about sunshine
Everybody lives and everybody dies
And no one's gonna love you like I do

Hey, sweetie:

I'm supposed to come back over and see you at some point tonight. I got all of my stuff together as of 30 seconds ago. (All of the stuff I'm going to do, anyway.) I even have a bag full of my stuff so I can stay with you and then get ready for work tomorrow morning. I am wearing REALLY CUTE PANTS that say "PINK" on the butt. How cute? They are really, really, REALLY cute. I know that seeing me in them would amuse you. They are so cute they are outlawed in 32 states, to be exact.

You KNEW I was going to be calling you now. I wrote it on that note that I left by your bed when I left your place this afternoon, you feeling sick and laying under the covers (you're obviously not well because normally you would have INSISTED on walking me at least to the door).

When it was getting dark
I didn't need a match
I never needed light to see you
You thought I disappeared
But I was always here
I could never get that far from you

I have told myself all kinds of rational things, like:
You're in the shower.
You're sleeping again, and the REALLY LOUD sound of your phone ringing isn't waking you.
You're sleeping again, and you can't hear the REALLY LOUD (obnoxious) sound of your phone.

And then the irrational things come:
You are in the hospital.
You are totally dying on your rustic hardwood floors and no one is around to help you.

I so TOTALLY cannot be pissed at you for not answering the phone. And I'm not. I'm frustrated. You're sick. But I'm WHINY! I haven't seen you hardly AT ALL in the past week. You have been very apologetic though. When you apologize, I tell you that you can't be sorry for being sick. (I think what your "I'm sorry" means is closer to "I miss seeing you. I'd rather being doing things with you, but I can't," or "I didn't mean to disappoint you. I hate disappointing you.") You have gotten to see that I am still having fun and getting along over here without you. And, you'd be right-I still do have fun and enjoy people when things don't include you. (But I make no mistake: you are my first choice person to spend time with, the one I know I'm going to have the best time with because we're growing into good friends and are already so much more.)

Though I misunderstand
And been misunderstood
So love me 'cause you can
And not because you should

It was a busy week for me, granted. Somehow when I'm busy, though, I get more things done then when I'm not. I do thrive on being busy, somehow the more balls I have in the air, the better I handle all of them. I also have had time to organize myself in here a little more, a little bit of medical school paperwork, a little bit of wardrobe reorganization, putting myself together in a more coherent way. It's April already and baseball starts tomorrow. I have little baseball jerseys that look really sweet, I have a new dress for Easter with a satin bow in the back and three new pairs of lace thongs, I'm comfortable alone but am willing to be better together.

My granddad's birthday is this week. I already mailed his card. I was all over that one.

I keep having these odd dreams at night where I am anxious about finals, about exams, and then panic when I look at a class schedule and realize that I've been enrolled in five or six classes for about three weeks now that I have NEVER attended. I panic and flip through notebooks, praying that I have notes. I never do. I feel ashamed talking to the professors. I wake up, horrified. Being good at organizing myself for school has always been a talent.

It hits me that we haven't really done anything fun, anything "out and about", anything "you and me" for a long time--maybe two or three weeks. We need to fix that. This week when you're better. That dinner and a movie you said you owed me? We've gotta get to it.

I like how you invited me to do things with your family on Easter. I have excitedly told all of my close girlfriends about that one. You noted the fact that I don't have family here. I'd like to think that you are inviting me because you want to include me in on your family stuff, that you want me at your holiday things. That, to you, I'm INVITED TO A HOLIDAY with your FAMILY serious. (If I start to feel like you've invited me because you FEEL SORRY that my family doesn't live here, I'm going to brunch with my friends like I've done before. Where I will wear a gorgeous dress and drink TOO MANY mimosas.) Of course, a hundred times over I'd rather be the blushing, gracious girlfriend, the pretty one at your side over the honeybaked ham and mashed potatoes. I love being your date to things. (*But I want the fact that I'm your date to those things to mean what I want it to mean. See how stubborn I am?) We do make a fabulous public appearance, though, R, like we've been doing it for years. Maybe that's why you want me there. Or maybe you want to see if your Aunt I've heard so much about likes me like the rest of your family does. Either way, I remember that wedding in January, on the way home, how you told me you'd see me across the room and think to yourself that you were glad that I was yours. I believe the exact word you used was, "Mine."

--------
Every time it rains
I know it's good to be alive
Every time it rains
I know I'm trying to survive

You just called me and you are even sicker than when I first visited you this morning. My gut reaction is to be like, "My poor baby! Oh my God!," but you are A GROWN MAN and I know better than to BABY you. Over the course of the conversation I took special care to not sound motherly or tell you what to do, but it was probably still clear that I AM WORRIED. I made sure you had everything you needed, and remembered that you said if something's wrong, you want me to let you handle it. So fine. I'm letting you handle this. (Okay, only because you have plenty of fluids and all of the OTC medication you need.) Of course you don't want me to come and be with you, even though the moral support could do you good, because you don't want me to see you being so sick. I told you that if you reached the point where you didn't want to be alone (which for you would probably be near-death) you should call me or let me know somehow. If you get sicker, please, PLEASE call me. I'll be there.

Love you!
K
(Lyrics from "Everytime it Rains"/Charlotte Martin)

Chatterbox

2007-03-29T06:09:00.000-07:00

For any of you who know me in real life

You know that I am a complete and total chatterbox...and now everyone else will too. This is mainly a byproduct of me being happy/perky most of the time mixed in with loving to think out loud.

It is definitely an idiosyncrasy because from time to time I have been known to talk the pants off of family and friends.

Last night, with the very early morning looming ahead, I started eagerly talking to R while we were snuggled into bed. He was (understandably) NOT amused. I was (slightly) hurt by this reaction, seeing as he and I haven't had a lot of time to connect this week, and he sensed it. Instead of pulling away or just falling asleep, he moved in to comfort me and to give me his attention. Instead of putting himself first, he put me first and realized that right then, in that moment, that I needed him.

Intersection

He's going on a business trip and won't be back until Saturday, which will give me even more time to miss him and hopefully him, me. I left him a note on an index card this morning wishing him a good trip and letting him know that seeing him last night and this morning makes today that much better. I am proud of myself for being brave enough to leave him little notes every now and again when I leave his place. I am the kind of person who wants to leave notes for someone I love, on scraps of paper, in my handwriting. It is more personal than a text message and less formal than a love letter or an email. I make sure that the notes are cool, funny and sweet without being overly so.

With everything going on in his life right now, I don't want to overwhelm him or make him feel like our relationship has a high cost to it or that he can't give me what I need. I would LIKE to spend more time with him but am in no hurry. I want to be one of those people that makes his life outside of work and bills and bullshit sweeter and more complete. (He definitely does that for me.) It is probably good that we are spending time apart and moving in our own directions towards our future careers and lives. I am chewing on the idea that moving in our own directions doesn't have to mean apart, and if we do intersect down the line, because we didn't derail ourselves to come together, our intersection would be even sweeter.

Breaking All The Ground

2007-03-26T16:36:00.000-07:00

"Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together..."
-Jack Johnson, 'Better Together'

So I have decided to revise my Monday post because what I wrote early was terribly boring, and I've got much more interesting things on my mind lately.

Like how I am trying to be a responsible person and get to bed at a regular time since alarms go off before 7 am (Yeeeeech!)

Like how tonight I could tell that R was all wound up getting his house cleaned and his laundry done and all of his studying set. The man's got a lot going on but he did make me dinner.

And me? In rare form, while he made us dinner, I laid on his couch. Heh. After I had dinner with him (he made a great pasta and a spinach salad!) I let him know I was going to get going (despite my pink overnight bag in his entryway). Real sweet, I threw my arms around his shoulders and smiled at him.

Me: "I'd like to stay and hang out, but know you probably won't do the same things you would if I wasn't here."
Him: "I'd like you to stay, too, (sigh) but I know you're right. And I pretty much only have tonight to get this stuff done for Wednesday."

Because I am ACTUALLY comfortable being at my place, (in my jammies, in my bed), I can say things like that and leave gracefully. No simmering or feeling resentful or disappointed. Because I know, even better, understand now, that there's always tomorrow, this weekend, next week. If I don't sleep in his arms tonight, it will be sometime soon. It doesn't kill him (or me) to miss the other one, to be left wanting to see the other, to wish that we could spend more time day by day.

A younger version of me would have stayed and then not understood why she didn't have his attention, why he became cross and tired. She would have made it about her when it really had nothing to do with her. This older version of me is somewhere closer to: "I deserve your full attention, and you deserve to get the things done that you need to do. When you're available to give me your full attention, let me know."

Besides, I knew I would feel awkward sitting on his couch or pretending to do other things while he was cleaning or studying or doing God-knows-what. Worse, if I was watching TV or something like that, he probably wouldn't want to get his stuff done, and he is clearly unsettled about the fact that his projects are not completed. And I know what that feels like. Finding balance in life for work, love, live, relaxation and everything else is something that no one else can show us.

I know he's got me as a priority, because he clearly dropped everything to make me dinner tonight. He was grateful that I recognized he needed the time tonight ('cause the month is ending soon and his deadlines loom) but was still disappointed that I had to go. He clearly would rather hang out and play. And this is what I want to see; that I'm important to him, that in his perfect world, we'd spend all kinds of time together no matter what day of the week it is.

And, he responded perfectly to the situation, making sure that we have plans for another weeknight this week; playfully reminding me to "pack a bag." Him making sure he was going to see me another night (and incidentally, the NEXT possible night he's available!) just cemented in my head that we can be on the same page throughout a busy week, that we can be flexible but still loving, that I can be important but not always need to be first. He walked me out into the warm night, my bag slung over his strong shoulders. (I feel happy that I have someone I pack overnight bags to go and see, and that my guy doesn't seem to mind what it looks like when he carries my incredibly feminine bags.)

You know what, R? I think I'm REALLY starting to get the hang of this whole relationship thing. Somehow, with you, I'm unselfish without keeping score, giving without giving too much, thoughtful without conceding what I really want. I am really excited about who I am when I'm with you, because it's still me. I am capable of loving you, without losing me. Even if in three weeks, three years, thirty years, we're not together, and our love only lives in my memory, I will know that you were the first man I was able to love without rearranging myself to do so. I don't think you realize how much I have grown in the past year, in the past six months, in the past six weeks. I met and had the good fortune to fall in love with you at an incredibly interesting point in my life.

On this warm spring night here in downtown, all I can think is: Look at us, baby. Look at us. Look at me, in love with you, breaking all the ground.

"She's breaking all the ground,
breaking all the ground,
breaking all the ground out from underneath
she keeps breaking all the ground
breaking all the ground
breaking all the ground out from underneath..."
Joe Firstman, 'Breaking All The Ground'

Sunday afternoon thoughts, now with EVENING!

2007-03-25T12:18:00.000-07:00

Afternoon, around 3 pm today
I listen to that song "At last", letting it slowly wash over me, and think about dancing with you at that wedding this January.

I want you to ask me to move in with you this summer, but I don't know what I would say. But I want you to ask.

I want to give you all of the poems I've written for you, in pretty cursive, on that fresh, white paper, tied with twine but I know I'm not brave enough to do that. (I think you'd like them but I'd feel too vulnerable after that, too open.)

I want you to think I'm perfect for you without me being "too" perfect. (I feel like an idiot worrying if I am "too" this or "too" that for you, by the way. You should like me how I am.)

I want you to text message me that you love me more often, like you did this week.

I want you to miss me when we're apart and I don't want you to know that sometimes I have to focus on not calling you and on doing other things. I am still in the side-effects of de-coupling, that world where things are always done on a team.

I know that I need to go to the grocery store, that I need to drive through the pharmacy, that I could do a load of laundry, but all I want to do is get back into bed. I'm in that weird PMS place that swings between a pseudo-depression and a pseudo contentedness without warning.

Perhaps it is good that we can't get together tonight--I don't want you to think I'm in a bunch about stuff, but a part of me wants you to see me in "a bunch" a few times and want to be my boyfriend anyway. I am horribly irrational this afternoon. Sigh.

**This just in: Evening thoughts (10 pm)
As promised, you called me to see how my day went. You have perfect timing, I had just been pulled out of my funk by a good girlfriend who recognized I was despairing and drove to downtown to have dinner with me. So, I sounded perky and sweet for you on the phone. I made our inside jokes and you laughed. I love the way you laugh when you think something's really funny or if I say something unexpected.

Cosmic Love Letters
Indeed, it is good that we didn't get together tonight as previously planned because I would have missed having my girlfriend come through for me like that. And you got to see your sister! I'm glad that in addition to seeing me this weekend, you got to see your guy-friend and your little sister. I'm amazed at how non-possessive I feel of our relationship, because younger versions of me have seen sharing a partner with others sometimes as a slight in loyalty or a sign that the guy's priorities are out of whack.

Last night, I had no problem with your friend coming and joining us because we had just had a few hours together alone on the couch. Also, I knew I was sleeping over and would have time with you in the morning, that I would wake up curled under your arm, your breath on my neck. Meeting your friends at a bar or having your best friend over on "our" date night doesn't change that you're going to give me one more kiss goodnight or that you're going to squeeze me before we fall asleep. (I can't believe how well-adjusted I'm becoming, that I can type a sentence like that, read over it and be nodding my head.) This security with having other people around us, this willingness to share our time, I'm hoping you realize on some level how valuable this is. I am growing into a more secure woman everyday. I don't know if your ex was possessive or jealous or if your friends liked being around her, but I am pretty sure your friends at least don't mind hanging out around me. (You need to meet more of my friends, by the way.)

A little bit of alone time with you goes a long way for me because we connect so quickly and so deeply with one another. You need to have YOUR other people around you that love you, too. Being around other people helps us compare and contrast what we bring to each other's life as well. I really love you today. I really do. Being around you just a little bit and being so close makes me ache when we're apart. I love how you said you'd call and then you did. You are a complete dream.

Team Kate in Full Force
Back to my friend. She must have understood how stressed I was and I loved the way she recognized my need to hang out without making me feel needy. She was simply like, "Have you eaten?" And I was like, "Nope." She was like, "Well, let's get some food then."

This week a good guy friend of mine spent a lot of time helping me with my new computer, setting up my internets and even bringing over some music that he thought I would like. For example, I have already learned that I love to nap or sleep to Finley Quaye's CD "Maverick A Strike" and that when I'm just cruising the internets I am digging Nelly Furtado's CD "Loose." I didn't realize this until now (I am saying that a lot lately!) but since I got itunes, I don't really listen to CDs straight through. I had lost the value of doing that. It is amazing to have people who are so thoughtful of me and my needs, who really try to put it out there for me. I am surrounded by people who love me.

Internal Medicine
Five days of 12 hour days is going to be really tough on me. I normally put a lot of internal pressure on myself, but throw in PMS, the sight of my boss pasty and dissheveled in a hospital bed, not seeing the bf very much and a laundry pile that's threatening to eat me alive...NO WONDER I wanted to sleep for 5 hours today. No wonder I wanted to stay at R's house, worlds away from all of these little issues.

Taking the good with the bad

2007-03-22T19:15:00.000-07:00

Finding my Rhythm*

*Or, how Kate got her groove back

Tonight I realized, that for the first time, that I am ACTUALLY okay with not having a lot to do on the weeknights. That the few hours I spend after I get home from work, before I go to bed, if they are in my apartment totally by myself, are not being simply "passed" or even "wasted" but are a good time for me.

When I dig deeper here I realize that all of my "independent" life (aka not living at home) has always involved living with someone else, a roommate, an ex-husband. Being in here by myself doesn't mean that my relationship with my boyfriend or my friends isn't great. I used to think that when other people said that they "liked" unwinding in their apartment by themselves at night, that they were lying, you know, the way people do when they say they LIKE running or that they ENJOY brussels sprouts. I thought it was because they hadn't lived with anyone else or that they were anti-social.

Moving in Phases
Initially when I moved in here I was still in a lot of shock, in that phase where you're just trying to survive, and then graduated to the "Look at me I'm on my OWN and doing fine! DO YOU HEAR ME?!? I'm FINE! Look! FINE! Would you help me convince MYSELF that I'm fine, please?"

Next came the "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with myself all alone in this apartment" phase, coupled with the "I know! I'll go on dates! I'll join clubs! I'll work late! All so I don't have to act like I don't have anything better to do then be HERE! So I don't feel like I'm going to be relegated to my little dark apartment for the rest of my life!"

And then, in the middle of that, I met R. And we spent a lot of time here together, which was beneficial for me when I look at it in retrospect. Being with him here and seeing how comfy he felt here actually HELPED me realize that I am okay here. It also fueled that fire, that deep-seated burn within me to have a man in the house, someone who's going to let me relax to sleep with my head on his chest, someone who's going to hold my hand in the middle of the night.

Follow the leader
Let's talk about R's example for a second. He is so strong in his place by himself, so used to being on his own, working crazy hours with no problem, making himself something to eat, going to bed, so in his own world. It is a good example for me, because if he can do it, I can do it. I have other friends who do it. And I was merely copying them all, going through the motions, until I...don't know when....I guess a few weeks ago. But what I do know, internets, is that if you give yourself about six months, you can figure out some stuff. Like that you're actually (rather than, theoretically) okay with being at home, that it isn't a "bummer" or a "let down" or no fun, that there isn't something you'd rather be doing or somewhere else you'd rather be.

Ultimately I still want to have a shared life with someone, to come home and look forward to seeing that person at the end of good days and bad, to be on a "team" where household things get done by both people, to have two capable people bringing in income and sharing the benefit together. I know that when I face that situation I will be better than I was the first time, because I've settled into being on my own. My personal comfort and well being won't be so tied into where the other person is and when they are coming home, because I'll be okay at home by myself if my man is on a business trip for a few days, working some sort of creative rotation, or simply on an opposite schedule from me.

Prince Charming May Never RSVP to my party, anyway
If a "prince charming" never asks me to be his wife, I'll be fine coming home at night and taking care of things myself. That used to be my biggest and most deep-seated fear, that I'd have to face coming in to an empty home for the rest of my life. I'm serious.

Now to be fair, I think I would be BETTER as part of a family that was my own, but if that doesn't happen for me someday, it won't be the tearful, lonely, gray life that my heart and my mind's eye were scaring me with.

I'm sure it is normal to have that early 20's "Am I going to be lonely for the rest of my life?!" situation, especially after being surrounded by people (peers, boyfriends, potential boyfriends, best friends, classmates) 24/7 in college. Getting married out of college just downsized that whole party-of-500 thing to a party-of-2. Here I am, as a party-of-1.

I still don't have to sleep to dream
Am I having fun imagining what it would be like to live with R, to feel excited about making him dinner at night and the chance to fall asleep in his arms all of the time? You bet. Am I having a hard time sleeping if I'm not with him? Nope. (Well, only if I'm on cold meds, but that doesn't really have to do with him per se...)

Do I think he might be good for me in the long term? Well. I think he's in flux right now with his jobs, his financial situation, and himself. I think that even though he clearly loves me and understands that I am a huge asset to his life, he doesn't have his feet on the ground quite yet. I know he's trying to get things back to where he's comfortable with them, and a tiny part of me hopes that I'm part of that motivation, but I 100% understand that it could be (and most likely is) all about him. And that doesn't mean anything's wrong with us or with him, or that we may not work out at some point. Hell, we're only nearly 5 months into this thing. If someday he was 150% into us being together in that serious till-death-do-us-part kind of way, I would give him some serious consideration. But am I in the right kind of place to be giving serious consideration? Probably not yet.

I'm hoping that one of his eventual goals, just like mine, is stability, which includes a home where there is a partner that makes him happy and keeps him good, peaceful company more often than not. I'm hoping that he wants to be with someone who wants to fall asleep in his arms every night, that's going to treat him well. Life is too short to not give our best to the people we love whenever we can.

Could someone pass me a magic time-travel 8-ball, please?
Would I like to look in a crystal ball and see me in about 6 years, see where I am and who I'm with and if all of that gym time paid off? Maybe. Because if someone had shown me me today, made me look into the "crystal ball of the future" back when I was in college, Senior year, when I was engaged and even more naive than right now, I would have been horrified. I wouldn't have understood the snapshots of the smiling 25-year-old driving over the Chicago River, belting out Nelly Furtado on the drive home from work in her fantastic little car (that she didn't bring to Chicago!). I would have been intrigued by R and fascinated by some of my friends here, but confused about how I got from A to Z.

Even if my 6 years from right now puts me somewhere totally predictable and planned, I don't think I actually want to know because I don't think I'd have as much fun getting there. Scratch that. I definitely wouldn't have as much fun getting there.

So....Fantastic!

2007-03-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

(Taking a cue from one of my new favorite bloggers, I was inspired by one of her posts and decided to do one like it for myself. Hey, A, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.)

I am
optimistic.
impatient.
positive.
analytical.
peppy.
unique.
interesting.
a work in progress.
brown-eyed.
daydreamy.
a bad singer.
interested.
nerdy.
prettier than I used to be.
smart.
concerned.
naive.
odd.
worthy.
heart-strong.
blunt.
inappropriate.
sexy.
a good cook.
klutzy.
organized.
strong.
demanding.
wishing.
fragile.
excitable.
confident.
moody.
foolish.
eager to please.
girly.
trustworthy.

in love with you.

that's all.

or is it?

Luck of the Irish

2007-03-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

St. Patrick's Day Weekend Adventures*

Friday: Met a good girlfriend (and sorority sister) of mine for burritos (what can I say, I am a Chipotle whore) and then hit a few downtown bars. It was fun to hang out with her, but lets just say that the day before St. Patty's day in downtown Chicago is total amateur night. (I have been out of waitressing for so long that I had forgotten that little fact...) What Chicago gets is those guys from Michigan who are like, "Hey-We're-From-Lansing-and-want-to-drink-Guinness-in-Chicago! And wear leprechaun hats! And pretend we are Irish! Woooooooo!!" You know, the standard total and complete morons. Seriously--after twenty minutes of being in a bar with these out-of-town douche bags, my friend and I were ready to hide in my little downtown loft for good.

Saturday: Met up with R--We hung out with Steve (R's best buddy), Amy and a few other girls at a real south-side Irish bar. After managing to fight my way out of downtown Chicago traffic (and away from the Lansing guys in the green felt hats and Purdue sweaters), I was relieved to be out of the city for once. The DJ at the bar must of thought he was at an Irish wedding--he kept playing all of the songs from the 80's and the 90's that you always hear at a reception. Nothing like a little "Like a prayer" to really make you think of St. Patty's day, right?

I'm glad we met up with R's friends--it was cool to see Steve, he always has such nice things to say to me (like that he's glad that I make R happy) and apparently even said some sweet things about me to R. I'm glad that R's friends like me (especially the guys)...because I know that for a guy, the approval of friends, while not required, is a big plus if it happens. And...so far I think I've been doing pretty well with his friends.

An Aside About Being Accepted By A Boyfriend's Friends...
I know it is a crap-shoot because guys either like a girl for their buddy or they don't. So I know it has to do with a combination of how good looking and cool the girl is, and how happy their friend seems. I bet it has a lot to do as well with what R is saying to them about me when I'm not around, too. If they didn't like me, I wouldn't cry in my beer or anything, but I will admit it feels good to be liked by them, to have them buy me beers (to potentially cry in, haha) and throw their arms around me when we're all singing a song, to have them talk to me and share about their jobs and their lives.

What definitely helps is that I genuinely like his friends as people. It is hard to actively dislike someone who honestly likes you or takes an interest in you, I think.

And back to the weekend timeline of drunken debauchery...
We had a great time drinking, singing and just hanging out. After the bar we went back to Amy's house for awhile and chilled out. I was so exhausted by 2 am--I am starting to feel so old. I have no good party skills anymore!

Sunday AM: Woke up at R's place (surprisingly, not that hungover...), had coffee with him, went about my day, prepped my lesson to teach on Monday night. I walked through one of my favorite florist shops and loved seeing the pretty peonies and daffodils which are starting to come in bloom. When rhubarb is in season (April? May?) I'm going to bake him a strawberry rhubarb pie. I can't really cook, dear readers, but I can bake the hell out of things--cakes, cookies, pies, you name it, I can bake it. I did make some pretty kick-ass oatmeal raisin cookies though.

Sunday PM: Watched the new James Bond movie with R (he rented a bunch of movies--he is really good at renting movies...me--not so much....) and then fell asleep with him at his place.

Monday morning, I woke up feeling like something was wrong and over Monday afternoon I developed a bit of a runny nose, fever and sore throat. (Snot-Yuck. Coughing-Double yuck.) I'm still pushing through my workdays and my evenings, though...I am feeling like this week, between work and teaching is going to be a really long one. The weekend hopefully will bring some much-needed rest...and this week puts me one week closer to medical school (yikes!) and one week closer to warmer weather here in Chicago (hurray!). I do like that in the evenings we are getting more sun and the air is starting to feel a lot more like spring.

Love until later,
K
xoxo

Nearly Home

2007-03-16T21:29:00.000-07:00

When you come home at night
I hope you're wishing I was
already there

Do you ever wonder
What that would look like?

Back in the Atmosphere

2007-03-12T06:55:00.000-07:00

Drops of Jupiter in her hair

Don't even get me started on how difficult it is to wait in the airport when your plane is delayed 1+hours and to boot, daylight savings just started. Instead, I'm going to focus on the positive parts of the journey, like it was beautiful in my sunny southern california hometown and my interviews for scholarships went well.

I had big, fresh strawberries (my favorite) each morning for breakfast, and got to spend some time with some of my most loved family members. I even had an In-N-Out burger...I know, you're jealous! For a hamburger place, In-N-Out is just about the best. Well, and Fatburger...but that is an argument for another day.

Packrat (The new definition)

Now I just have to get into the swing of my week again, and figure out when I can see R. It is complicated to leave in the morning with things I would need to stay over at his house IN CASE we decide that's what we want to do, or that we can even see each other at all. I should be thankful that I have ENOUGH clothes that I CAN pretty much pack something decent if I need to, no problem. But today is Monday, which means Jack Bauer's on, and hopefully R got his cable working so we can watch it. Otherwise, he might go to a friends' house and that leaves me with no Jack Bauer date (I don't have TV, remember? I watch movies and TV series on DVD on MacBook!)

We'll see what happens. We text messaged throughout the weekend (about once a day) and then last night on my way back I called him and while he sounded tired, (long, fun weekend for him) he sounded really happy to hear from me and is excited to see me next. Okay, time to shower and spruce up for the long workday and hopefully to see my cutie boyfriend later. You all have a fantastic week. More later!

xoxo,
K

Pancakes and Diet Coke

2007-03-04T10:50:00.000-08:00

Note to readers: Sorry this post is so long. Technically it should be three posts, but there was a lot of catch-up to do. xoxo, K.

Surprise! You're not home!
Yesterday I stopped by R's place to surprise him in the morning, bounced out of my car, rang his bell three times, and...no answer. F*ck! I left him a short message, nice and sweet, letting him know that I stopped by to surprise him and when he was available, to give me a call. Driving off I was really working to stay calm. It was 98% easy to leave the cool message, and I was fighting the 2% of me that was freaking out, (the irrational 2% that says nasty things like, "He's up there. He just doesn't want to see you" and "You should have called first. See what you get for being spontaneous?")

About 15 minutes later he called me, "When did you come by? I must have just missed you." He was down the street at this great little diner by his place having breakfast. I thanked my lucky stars that I had again gone with my rational 98% and didn't let my 2% fear show through. Yeah! His voice was warm and sweet and I could tell he was disappointed that he had missed me.
"If I come back will you act surprised?"
"Sure."

It was good to see him, to have him hold me and kiss me after a long week. We had some little bumps this week in communication (we hadn't seen each other since Monday night) and I was good, I didn't bring things up, I just left all of that in the past and focused on being positive, relaxed and open.

30-second relationship behavior analysis (Fear of Confrontation):
I feel like I am doing a really good job learning to understand that just because there is a miscommunication or a disagreement or some kind of bump, that it doesn't mean that we're having a total relationship meltdown. In previous relationships I worked overtime to not disagree with the man, to make things run "smoothly." I think this is a good trait, and makes me a easy woman to get along with 95% of the time, but the other 5% of the time I need to stand up for what I would like and for what I need. I think the "Let me be the first to say I'm sorry" or the "Let me be the first to say You're right" theory is good, especially since I am usually the one who needs to say that I'm sorry or that the other person is right, but I shouldn't say those things simply to avoid a conflict. I am hoping it is actually good for both of us to see that we can handle minor issues, apologize, put it behind us, and then move forward into our day/weekend/evening, enjoying ourselves and each other's company. Anyone back me up on this?

Being a good visitor...sleepover logistics...

Seriously now. How lame is it when you have someone stay over at your place and they are a total slob? We get pissed when it's our family we're STUCK with? But what about the person you're dating???

Here are the things I have tried to be conscious of when I'm staying at his place:
1. Not leaving hair, makeup, or tampon wrappers anywhere in his bathroom. (I wipe stuff up or put it in my own little containers to throw out later.)

2. Not putting my stuff everywhere. I have my little overnight bag of things and I keep it all together in a little spot on his dresser. I don't store clothes at his place. He does have a toothbrush for me, so I do use that. But that is the only thing I have there that is "mine."

3. Not lingering too long in the morning. After we have coffee together (or this morning, he made me breakfast!) I try to get going pretty quickly without rushing (get outta there before 11 or 12 for sure!) so that he can get going on the rest of his day. When I'm there I know he doesn't do the things he normally would.

4. Cleaning up after myself when it comes to dishes, etc. Helping clear the table. Helping do dishes and wipe counters and stuff when we cook together. This was a natural part of my upbringing, to help "clean and clear" after a meal, but I make sure I'm on it and don't leave him with all of the work!

5. Bringing over something appropriate when needed (little things)
...a bag of nice ground coffee (Starbucks or whatever) b/c we drink a lot of coffee together, and sometimes he even sends me off with "to-go" coffee in his travel mugs/thermoses
...Miller Lite or some other kind of beer he likes (always a good call)

Does anyone have any other "staying over at the boyfriend's" place etiquette or general tips? I'd love to hear what you guys have to say and what you think. I am of the opinion that men (perhaps unconsciously) judge a woman a lot by how she behaves when she stays over.

The message that I'm trying to send is that I'm thoughtful, gracious, conscientious and respectful of him and his things. That I understand that things in the house (beer, food, etc) doesn't appear by magic. That I'm a pleasure to have around, someone who doesn't wear out her welcome. That it is better to be in his place if I'm there with him. I am just trying to improve how I behave as a roommate and a potential partner, because there is always room for me to do a better job at existing peacefully with others, be it at work, at home or at school.

Because I'm the Corniest Girl on the Planet...my current favorite love song excerpts
(Or, YES I know Bryan Adams is not cool. Anymore.)

Look into my eyes
You will see
What you mean to me,
Search your heart,
Search your soul,
and when you find me there,
you'll search no more.

Okay, when he sings that part, it is clearly the best part of the song.

Or how about this perennial favorite:

Someday, when I'm awfully low
When the world is cold
I will feel a glow
Just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight.
Oh, but you're lovely--with your smile so warm
and your cheeks so soft
there is nothing for me but to love you--
just the way you look tonight.

Or, everyone just be glad that I didn't pick lyrics from "When a man loves a woman" because I love that one too.

Oh, Boy

2007-02-27T21:33:00.000-08:00

Because "being civil" means that we, apparently, are supposed to "communicate"

I had a few short talks with the ex recently (because there was stuff he wanted to talk about) and have been thinking about some of the things he had said to me.

1. That I'm IMPOSSIBLE to please, that if things aren't exactly how I wanted them I make it painfully clear that whatever it is sooooo does NOT meet my standards. Apparently this struck the fear of God into my ex, paralyzing him when it came to giving me gifts. So he'd just buy things for me that were actually meant "for him", like tickets to sporting events, baseball hats and playstation games. Because you all know I wanted Grand Theft Auto!

2. That he felt like I had "one foot out the door" for a long time, that I was just waiting for him to screw up some more so I could totally leave.

Okay. So, #1. I think this is kind of bullshit. I am a (generally) happy person, fundamentally amused by little things and details. My ex is not a detail-oriented person, and would often miss finer points and details of things. So being a very focused, type A person, I would get frustrated when he would get something "generally" right but then not get the details right--it felt like he wasn't paying attention. As a happy person, when I am disappointed, which I was more and more, especially towards the end, it is more apparent than in someone who isn't quite as cheery all of the time.

Okay. So, #2. This is a justification of his for his bad behavior. I am not buying this for a second. It sounds a lot like, "I'm already screwing up, so why don't I screw up more?" If I hadn't been married to him I would have been outta there so fast after the plate throwing incident he wouldn't have known what had happened.

Being married in and of itself meant something important to me--and wanting to believe in working as hard as you can at being someone's wife isn't wrong, what was wrong was the man I chose. Clearly I also have a lot of work to do on myself as well-I will concede that fact easily.

It is okay to take pride in the various roles that I find myself in during the day and am pleased that the huge burden of "Wife-to-a-total-asshole" isn't one of them. Clearly my ex is struggling through things--even though I did not choose to get a large sum of money from him, what he has lost is not something he can buy. I don't wish for him to hurt, but I don't feel bad, either--I spent way too much time making my stomach hurt and wringing my hands over "what-he-wanted" and whether he was happy and was everything going perfect for him today?

With my expanded time and energy, I am able to be a better "Friend", "Winggirl", "Neighbor", "Colleague", "Volunteer", "Daughter", "Granddaughter", "Niece", "Sister", "Catholic", "Flutist" and perhaps the one I'm having the most fun with, "Girlfriend." Yay! I haven't gotten to do this whole "Girlfriend" thing in a long time. And I'm determined to rock it. Totally rock it.

Someday I'll get to add "Doctor" and perhaps "Mother" and...hopefully, sometime down the road, even re-add "Wife" to my lineup of roles. I am confident that one day I will marry a man that will be proud to have me at his side, someone who is not threatened by the fact that I'm smart, fun, and incredibly capable. I am grateful for the big "second chance" that life has given me to shine in all areas of my life. Thanks, God. Thanks, Life. Thanks, Chance.

I just thought about deleting this post, but I think I'll keep it. Somehow I managed to turn some sour commentary from my totally self-serving ex into an affirmation of who I am and who I want to become.

Love until later,
K

random thoughts

2007-02-17T22:09:00.000-08:00

i'm driving home
watching last night's snow blow off my windshields
thinking

what is my credit score?
did i send that email for work?
how did you make my toes curl this morning?

i'm wiping my counters
watching the crumbs gather in the formica corners
wondering

how long until medical school starts?
will i make a lot of new friends?
can i crawl into bed with you tonight?

i'm walking to the grocery
noticing the sun through the overpriced condos
deciding

how much i should spend on this trip
i hate riding the bus
i'd like to spend all day in bed with you

i'm laughing over dinner with friends
spearing sushi with careful precision
pondering

how do the cut the cucumbers so small?
(they leak out through the sides)
i want you here when i'm happy

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I just felt like doing some poetry. I think it is also because I spent tonight apart from R and had a good night with my good friend S, who I shared a delicious dinner with and then saw "Music & Lyrics" with. Good food, cute movie, great company. (When I am not with him, I do some thinking about him and tend to want to express. Hence, lame poetry. Sorry, readers.)

R's playing video games with his friend tonight. Last Friday night, he was out drinking with a pal of his. I'm glad that we're spending time apart with our friends--it gives me a chance to keep building my non-romantic (*very important!) relationships and also (bonus!) demonstrates to him that my own life is crucial to my survival. This relationship with him is the first one where I have traded time with my boyfriend for time with friends, where I tell the bf that I've got plans with one of my girlfriends on Saturday, so could we hang out on Friday instead?

Also, I want him to understand that I need him to cultivate other meaningful relationships outside ours, that I cannot provide 100% of what he needs. I simply cannot understand his military experiences like his best buddy can. I cannot sit and watch sports with him the way his dad or buddies do. I certainly provide NO COMPETITION in terms of drinking him under the table--I'd need about another 50 pounds and a little more experience to boot.

Ditto that for any sort of "shoot-em-up" or "sports" video game--I'm just not going to be able to "bring it" like the boys can. Even if I could beat him at poker, violent video games, darts, or flip-cup, I don't really want to. He and his friends can duke it out at those things! While he doesn't expect me to do these things with him, he should still expect to do these things. I guess the bottom line is that I don't want to be included in everything he does. My feeling close to him is not contingent on me being up in his business all the time. It is way more important to me that he's accessible to me: when I send him a text message, that he writes back; when I leave him a message, that he calls within a reasonable time. Not that whatever he's doing, I have to be his sidekick or watch him do it or whatever. This is also a shift for me. I used to think that closeness equaled total involvement whereas now I understand that closeness is dependent on quality, select involvement and an appropriate amount of space.

What's kind of fun is to see that while my time with him is incredibly fulfilling, the contrast between the quality of our time together and our time with other people (at least for me) is growing. Time with him is ridiculously satisfying for me--we are starting to "get" each other's sense of humor (I'm being sarcastic back with him and handling his good-natured teasing better) and are getting really good at being intimate both inside and outside of the bedroom. I want to think that on some level, R is developing a sense that with me, he gets an experience he can't get anywhere else, that he slowly starts to get the feeling that I'm irreplaceable and hopefully that I'm truly perfect for him, someone he would want to keep around always. This afternoon when R dropped me off, he kissed and kissed me and wanted to make sure that we are going to hang out tomorrow. I think we're on the right path here.

Love until later,
K
xoxox

Box of Roses

2007-02-15T20:39:00.000-08:00

I am thrilled with R

He did something I've always wanted: one of those secret things that I've always wanted...the long-stemmed red roses that come in a box. Mine were the first flowers to arrive of the day at my work, and they came in a bright red box with a white bow, resting in pink tissue paper, six up and six down with some sprigs of baby's breath!

The card, in his delicious male cursive, read:

I hate the holiday, but I do love you. xoxo, R.

I swear to God. That is so incredibly him. I was all teary and shaking when I got the box and when I opened the card. Yeah! I am impressed because I know he is not a bouquet of flowers kind of guy. I mean, he sent me some flowers for my birthday if you recall, but he doesn't bring flowers to our dates or anything.

On the way home from work I gave him a call to see what our dinner plan was (and to find out if I needed to bring something) and he said he had it covered. I could hear Frank Sinatra in the background.

I got to his place (after going to mine and sexfoliating, duhhhhh!), worked my way up his three flights of stairs, and his door was slightly askew. I walked in and his entire living/dining room was lit by little tea candles. He came barreling down his hallway (still in work clothes), kissed me and hurried back into the kitchen. Later he apologized for not giving me a long, lingering kiss when he saw me--something was burning on the stove. The food was great, the candlelight was romantic and it was really nice to be with him away from the hustle and bustle of a jam packed restaurant where all the couples are on display. It is amazing to be dating a man who knows how to cook! It is wonderful to be dating a man who knows how to be romantic. I am incredibly pleased with him and with what he was able to do for me despite his 12 hour a day work schedule.

I think this was the best valentine's yet because I:
1. Didn't hint at any of it (and got things I've always wanted!)
2. Didn't have to worry about a thing (everything was all taken care of!)
3. Am definitely in love with him.

I am starting to settle in a little
...and not pay attention so much to the rest of everything, or whether I have a back-up boyfriend (god forbid!), or whether I'm doing things "right" or "wrong" or whatever.

Since his little stress-out I have cut back the nights of the week that we see each other (to see if he is still reaching for me, even though he said he didn't want to take a step back) and have actually enjoyed how he calls me every night still to talk (to connect, subtly) and sends me text messages and stuff. What is weird is that the insertion of a little bit of space has actually brought us closer. Or perhaps it is the faith that even with some space in between, that R and I are still going to be close.

Last weekend, he actually apologized for his overall attitude (which I haven't perceived as incredibly negative, but whatever) because of his unhappiness with his work situation. I know that his self-identity and self-esteem are closely linked to his work experiences (which I don't think is uncommon for men, or women for that matter).

His work experience is sucking and taking up so much more time than he would like it to, and it is draining him. But we're supporting each other. Tonight, he sent me an angry text message (angry at work) about something that came up. I called him. I listened, making sure to reassure him that we could still have a blast this weekend, even if we had to modify plans. I wanted to give him something to look forward to getting through the workday for as well and will try to keep as positive of an attitude as possible tomorrow at work so I can be easygoing and sunshiny for him tomorrow night when he rolls in late. It is nice that I can cheer him up a little, even if I can't change his work suckiness...perhaps I can make some of the time he's NOT at work, worthwhile.

Situation: Nowhere

2007-02-11T01:22:00.000-08:00

Ugh. So it's 3:30 in the AM and I'm awake.

What the f*ck is the matter with my sleep schedule? Seriously! This week came around to Friday and I couldn't believe a week had passed. It literally evaporated into thin air. I know people SAY that kind of thing all of the time, but I feel like the only way I can tell that time was passing is that I cross out days on the calendar and my body feels like it got an ass-kicking seven times.

What am I stressed about, Dr. Phil?

1. My foot is broken. Argh!
2. Medical school loans. Oh, my God, I know it is an investment and all of that jazz, but holy cow it is a lot of $. Oh God, it is a lot of money.
3. It is extremely cold here in Chicago. The cold, dry weather is making me feel icky I think.
4. The fact that I can't go to the gym because of #1. I was using that for stress relief and now I can't.
5. Long work hours, feeling like I could work around the clock (haha I typed cock the first time!) and not get everything I'm supposed to do, done.
6. Doing my taxes with my ex.
7. Updating my settlement agreement with my ex.
8. Not getting our "official" divorce date in time to affect my financial aid for Medical School Loans.
9. I'm worried that being a doctor means I won't be able to have children. Or that by the time I can be in a healthy, advanced relationship for that long, that I will be too old. I know those things aren't true and that there are a ton of examples (mommd.com, holla!), and that by the time I graduate there will be even more women in medicine, but I still feel worried.
10. That I'm not making enough money at my job. I know that my bosses are paying me as much as they can, it is a new business, and they are my very, very good friends, but my income frankly kind of sucks compared to what it could be and what my skills are. The only problem is I start medical school in July and will need to leave whatever before then.

Make your own humidifier! (Or not.)

I'm thinking there is not enough humidity in my apartment, that maybe it's too dry in here, so I'm running my shower on SUPER HOT to try and put some water in the air for my poor lungs and sinuses. See how ghetto I am? I could get a humidifier from Bed, Bath or from Linens and Things but I am clearly too lazy (and my foot is clearly too broken) for me to lug that shit home. So instead, here I am, at almost FOUR AM, awake, running my shower, typing to you people.

"You're Perfect for Me."

(I know you guys were looking for this update.)

The day after we had that talk, R confessed that he didn't want to take a break, or step back anything about our relationship, that the stress he was feeling was work-related and in other areas of his life. That the time we were spending together was/is a huge plus for him. That I'm the best thing that has happened to him in a long time. And, he said that while I am not "perfect", nor does he expect me to be, I am "perfect" for him. Oh my God, when he says that stuff, how can I not be completely and totally in love with this man? And then my realistic side snaps in, that side that's afraid of being hurt.

I was and am slightly hesitant about things in a way, searching him with my eyes and my words to make sure that he is holding up his side of things and that he really wants to be here, in this relationship, making a serious effort to bring me the things that I need. All indications are showing that he does, that he just had a freak-out. And you know what? That's allowed. I think women forget that guys have a lot of emotional stuff going on too, but we are just not used to seeing it at all. (I know that in my experience with my ex and with men in general that I'm not!)

Last week we didn't see each other during the week as much as usual but did have some good phone conversations which satisfied my need to see him. I am calming down a lot in this relationship, finally. In that real-world way, the way where if he isn't paying attention to me every second, I don't seek out other men's attention because I'm upset/lonely/hedging my bets.

Last night he took me out on a date because "I hadn't taken you out on a date date in a while, and thought we should do that." Great! We went and saw some live music, I had a great burger, we curled up in bed together after and slept into Saturday afternoon. We watched a movie and drank our coffee together and he drove me home, offering me a bunch of his delicious lingering kisses in the truck and again (!) in front of my building. I can't imagine him kissing me like that, lingering, really taking his time (in public no less) and things not being okay. Us kissing like that is like when we first started dating.

Tonight, for example, he went out with friends, and I went out to dinner with friends, and he sent me a couple of text messages tonight letting me know he'll call me tomorrow and that he loves me. Perfect.

As long as I know what to expect, I am good. I am so good.

I think telling him exactly what I need (clear, frequent communication) was a really key choice. He's listening, too. Yes! I just need to keep being brave enough to let him know exactly what I need, on increasingly deeper levels (at appropriate times, obviously), so that he can know what I expect. Also, so that if he cannot give me what I need, I can recognize that as quickly as possible and will not waste my (or his) time hitting my head against the wall or wishing he (or I) was different in some way. What is interesting about human needs though is that I feel like what we need is kind of a moving target, that it is in constant flux and motion. As much as I can know myself, my needs are always going to be changing. Ugh! And now I have to try to communicate that to someone else. This is why relationships are so tough, right?

I'm going to try to get some (more) sleep. Time to turn the shower off. Goodnight, all.

xoxo,
Kate

All Sorted Out

2007-02-03T18:09:00.000-08:00

So R came over here and we talked about things.

He was kind of freaking out on me, team.
So I gave him choices. I was calm. I did not cry.

Choice 1: We scale things back, only seeing each other a couple of times a week, but he has to let me know when that is so that I am not freaking out. I don't cling if my expectations are managed. I'm still his girlfriend and we're still together but we take a HUGE step back in terms of how much time we're spending together, and see how it goes.

Choice 2: We take a break. We keep in touch but we see other people. I made it clear that I want to have a boyfriend who wants to be with me and who wants to see me a few times a week, and he is not doing me any favors by staying with me if that guy is NOT him.

Choice 3: We break up completely and don't contact each other. When I said this, his whole face crumpled. This was clearly not something he even wanted to go near.

He wanted choice #1. He wanted me to be his girlfriend still. He told me that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me but that it is a new thing for him to be with someone who loves him back. He clearly has some things he needs to work out within himself, and that's okay. He switched my calendar to february for me and unloaded my dishwasher (hey, it's hard on crutches!).

I love him already and want to give him this chance. Perhaps it is a mistake to do so, but I am going to do it anyhow. If he decides later on that he doesn't want to be with me, that he doesn't want to be here with me, I will understand that. I have taken a big step back because of his hesitation.

More of the same

2007-02-03T05:39:00.000-08:00

10:30 PM, last night: I resign myself to the thought that you're not calling. Two tylenol PM later, I am fast asleep, somewhere where this broken foot and where this heartache cannot reach me.

(How do I handle you not being here tonight or last night?)

7:20 AM, today: I wake up, prop up on my elbows just to see what time it is. I am profoundly disappointed that it is not about noon at this point.

(Is it okay to take more Tylenol PM? I think you aren't supposed to in the day.)

7:35 AM, today: I double check my phone, making sure I didn't miss you in my slumber. Before I open my phone, I prep myself: "Watch. More of the same." I'm right. I didn't miss your call, because there wasn't one.

(I'm clearly making it through here by the hour, by the minute, and the longer it goes, the easier it is getting. I am clear in my understanding that I've got to wait for you to come around when you're ready, and that I don't really want you to come over or talk to me until you've figured out what to say.)

7:45 AM, today: On my way to the bathroom on my crutches, I realize how much my back and shoulders hurt from having to haul myself around using my arms.

(The thought hits me that I've been doing fine, all by myself, for two whole days on this broken foot. Perhaps I have been a little emotionally unstable, but I have talked to a few good friends who have helped and there were a couple more that I could have called just for a chat if I had been more lonely.)

8:00 AM, today: What am I doing to do on crutches today? It is snowing. I don't have TV. I am starting to think I am kind of screwed.

(I go back and forth being strong.
Strong: I'm okay in here. I'll make a trip over to the video store and hang out with MacBook and maybe invite some friends over here later.
Weak: Fighting back tears. I can't do this. I'm going to be cooped up in here with this stupid foot, alone and lonely until I'm 30!
Strong: Stop contemplating calling R up in a flurry of tears. Begging him and him coming here because he wants to are two entirely different things.
Weak: Right now I need him to love me. (Sob)
Strong: You love yourself. You have friends that love you.

9:00 AM, today: I break down into tears. My foot is broken. Is my heart next?

I hate that when things are going well with him I feel about 25 and now that things aren't going so well I can feel my inner 16-year old crying somewhere in there. I don't understand how I can be so strong and so fragile at the same time.

10 AM, today: I decide that it's time to take a bath and wash my hair. I know that doing this will take me about an hour and a half. And then I should think about lunch.

There is a part of me still campaigning for you, that you're going to call. There is a part of me that says that you're still sleeping. I hate that I know what you are probably up to. I am doing the best that I can. I am doing the best that I can.

2 PM today: Where are you?

2:45 PM today: I'm leaving you a message to let you know that not hearing from you is hurting me---because I think if you realized what I was going through here, you wouldn't let it happen anymore.

3:15PM today: You're calling me. I'm exhausted with relief.

Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At Her

2007-01-31T07:24:00.000-08:00

The Parking Garage Guy

Hi, Parking Garage Guy. Or sometimes Chick. You don't know me, but there are things you know about me.

Like, how many times I leave our private residential parking structure at 9:30 at night on a Monday to head out to my boyfriend's house. Or how many times, when I was just first dating R, that he would show up in his big, blue truck and stay all night. I know what you were thinking. And what you were thinking was right.

The Doorman
Hi, Front Desk Guy. Or sometimes Chick. You don't know me, but there are things you know about me. Weird, right?

You see that I'm leaving somewhere with a gym bag in, let's see, um--snow jacket, hat, boots and pajama bottoms. PJ bottoms? Or that time I left here in boots and a long, pink jacket? I was moving quickly because I was only wearing a corset top and a thong under that jacket. I bet you could have guessed if you coordinated with Package Room Guy, he handed me the soft, squishy envelope from Victoria's Secret that had the goods in it. But anyway.

You get to call me when someone's in the lobby for me.

Oh, R's here? Send him up. And then you see that he and I come down around 9 am in our gym clothes for coffee and a walk by the lake, me with my hair in a bouncy ponytail, feeling sporty in my crosstrainers, he in his big jacket and (you can't see it!) but his Marine Corps shirt underneath. We return a few hours later, holding hands, holding coffee cups, laughing together. When he comes back down through the lobby, his short hair is wet and he's shaved. I would bet money that he flashes you a shy smile as he ducks into the hallway for the parking structure.

Package Room Guy

Hi, package room guy. Or sometimes Chick. You don't know me, but there are things you know about me. Strange, no?

Like that I order way too many things from Amazon.com. Or Victoria's Secret. And that when I get a "you have a package" slip, I nearly fall over myself getting in there to get it because I'm so excited I have something in the mail (besides bills). I wanted that Ninja T-shirt, okay?

Overall

You people know way too much about me~ and perhaps aren't even paying attention, but if you ARE paying attention, holy cow. You could write the book on my little dating life. Let's not even talk about what my early-dating days on Match must have looked like to you, seeing me get dolled up 4 nights a week and meet a different man in my lobby. At least those boys weren't coming back up here with me. Okay, fine. That one time. But Scott was boring as hell. Like he was going to make a move.

Kate OUT!

Classified Information

2007-01-27T07:45:00.000-08:00

Secret Relationship Wishes

I believe that whether you're conscious of it or not, girls, there is a secret "bonus" list of things that you give inordinate amounts of "relationship points" for if the man you're dating does any of those things or turns out to be any of the things on the list.

This was touched on slightly in "Something about Mary" with the guy being an architect, remember? Everyone's list is different, clearly, so no man reading this should try to use my list as a guide for all girls, however, they may still be a very good idea.

Here is a partial list of the things that I will always flip for. (If R turns out to get most of these things, I just might have to keep him around indefinitely). The more things a man gets in the first year you're together, the more points you give.

He sends flowers (to my WORK) on my birthday
He asks me to slow dance if we're somewhere there is slow dancing. More than once. And he's good at it, or at least being very romantic and sweet.
He plays guitar (second best: drums)
For bonus points, he does the above in a band. That I like.
He buys jewelry of some type for our first Christmas together, even if we've been dating for two seconds.
And the jewelry is appropriate to my tastes and style and isn't "too much."
He brings me orchids (the white ones with the purple petals) for no reason.
He brings me tea roses (the miniature ones, preferably pale pink) for no reason.
He makes sure there is Diet Coke in his fridge for me.
He traces my spine from my neck to my hips with his lips to wake me up in the morning sometimes.
He picks me up at the airport when I get back from trips. (Bonus: Late at night or butt-crack of dawn in the AM)
He lingers after sex, that is, he is willing to lay there with me, our bodies hot, us panting, intertwined.
When he holds me, he pulls me toward him, he squeezes, he breathes a happy sigh in my ear.
He makes excellent eye contact before, during and after sex.
He holds hands when we're walking places.
Bonus: holds hands when we're in the car.
Super Bonuses: holds hands when we're in bed, or on an airplane (because I'm afraid of flying).
He goes out to get stuff when I get sick, and brings back both useful things and things to cheer me up (like popsicles).
He thinks I'm beautiful when I'm sleeping.
He fills our bedroom (or lights the house) solely with tiny tea candles to surprise me (we're talking, 25 or more).
He washes my hair when we're in the shower together.
He'd rent a chick flick movie for me at the video store and then watch it with no complaining or sarcastic comments.
He is clearly in awe when I'm wearing sexy lingerie or a sexy nightie.
He wants to have sex in the shower or bath. (Bonus points: Bubble Bath!)
He doesn't think that taking me to a sporting event is something nice he's doing for ME.
He acts grateful that he has a girlfriend that can go to sporting events and have a good time, but makes no mistake that going is MY first-choice activity.
He thinks I'm hot in workout or gardening clothes.
He takes me on a picnic, somewhere beachy or foresty or lawn-y, complete with picnic basket and a blanket.
Even if he thinks Valentine's Day is stupid, he buys me a sappy card. And flowers.
He thinks my toes are cute (they are sooooo not cute!)
He leaves me tiny love letters in my purse, in my jewelry box, on the counter, where he knows I'd find them.

Clearly, there are times when someone does something wonderful and you never would have thought of it yourself. To that, I say bring it on.

Who else has some secret love wishes? Let's hear it.

Thank You For Loving Me

2007-01-21T20:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Readers,

Despite my irrational fit of total jealousy right before, R and I managed to have a fantastic time at the wedding! I did briefly bring up the whole 4 am thing with Amy and that I wasn't sure what to think, and he was like,

"Kate. Amy's like one of the guys to me. You have no problems when I'm with Steve or Jeff really late (and I don't!) and Amy's no different. Besides, I haven't been out with her so late ever before."
He paused and half-smiled at me.
"You don't like staying out until 4 am, sweetie." I smiled, nodding.

So I let him know that it gave me some pause and he definitely appreciated that I just told him what I was thinking---I think that is the benefit of dating a man almost 5 years my senior--he's smart/mature enough to understand that if he can react calmly and sweetly when I raise a small objection, that things won't build up with me, because I am the kind of girl who will just be honest instead of letting things simmer beneath the surface. When you let little things simmer, sometimes they become HUGE things because the paranoia and nervousness comes. Anyway. The wedding.

He got to see a bunch of his friends he hadn't seen in a while (especially since his move), and was so cute and proud when he would introduce me to people:

"This is my girlfriend, Kate."
"Steve, I'd really like you to meet my girlfriend, Kate."
"Hey Jeff, come over here, so you can meet my girlfriend, Kate."

And you know what? Just like with his other friends, all of them KNEW who I was. They asked me pointed questions that they wouldn't have had ammo for unless he had given them some sort of heads-up. Sweet. I'm glad he's so happy about us that he's telling his friends that he's dating me and telling them little things about me. Cool.

I learned that R is a fantastic dancer which totally makes me swoon. Dancing to Bon Jovi's "Thank You For Loving Me" was probably the most intense song that we danced to all night. We danced and he sang to a few country songs (he has a great voice!) and totally serenaded me. He is so amazingly fun. And funny. And romantic.

I was ecstatic that I was with a man who would take me out on the dance floor, hold me close, look into my eyes, kiss me on the forehead gently. Mmmmm. Seriously that was my favorite part of the whole evening.

DA BEARS!
So the Bears are going to the Super Bowl. The Patriots and the Saints can totally suck it. My ex was a HUGE Patriots fan so seeing them get beaten in the 4th quarter made my f-ing day. I don't usually rejoice in things like that but I couldn't help it--the evil laughter started when the Patriots lost and persisted for like, 3 minutes. Heh.

This morning, R let me borrow one of his comfy Bears sweatshirts and one of his Bears baseball hats. Like the total lame-ass girl I am, I'm still wearing his sweatshirt and I'm laying in bed. I know, I know. But it smells like him! And his house!

Goodnight everyone. More later this week.

xo
Kate

Reality Check

2007-01-20T10:18:00.000-08:00

Breathe. Just Breathe. Okay, Breathe and Vent.

Okay, so R gives me a call this morning, to say hi and see what I was up to last night. Turns out him and Amy went to the concert and then hit a couple of bars, staying out until 3:30 in the AM.

I am trying very hard to be cool about this but it is extremely hard now. (Lucky for me, I have about 2 hours before he is supposed to pick me up today for this wedding.) I know that I held it together pretty good on the phone. I didn't mind the concert (especially since I went to the one she was supposed to go to!), but he went out drinking with her until 3:30 AM?

I know they are buddies and I know I'm being a bit irrational but I'm quickly sinking into the "If-you-really-loved-me-you-wouldn't-be-out-at-bars-until-3-in-the-morning-with-other-girls" mode of thinking.

(Inner monologue: Jebus. Why is it so hard for me to be COOL? For just once, to be COOL? Damn!)

I am not trying to be a prude or anything

....or maybe I'm no fun because I don't think staying out half the night drinking is cool but ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! I just don't get it. (And I sound like a pirate. Sonofabitch.)

Maybe this is the reality check I needed with him and with where this relationship is. It's early. We're so early into this. I feel like someone just threw a whole bucket of ice water all over me.

Ooooo and now I'm feeling the claws come out. The irrational-I-want-to-kill-that-girl-claws.
Who does she think she is, out until almost 4 am with my boyfriend? I have been so nice to her. So incredibly nice. They could have called and invited me to come out after the concert. Oh, but they didn't. They SO DIDN'T!

Okay, so I have to go put on fancy makeup and put my hair up, and slip into the gorgeous formal clothes I have for this wedding and be his perfect wedding date. OMG I'm totally bugging, you guys. Totally bugging. Big deep breaths and all that jazz. Everything is going to be fine, and even if it is not going to be fine, I know that I am going to be fine.

Kate OUT.

I'll Stay Up With You All Night

2007-01-20T05:37:00.000-08:00

How to Save a Life

You guys out there? My friends out there in reader land, just know that part of the function for this blog is so that I can get out my insecurities about dating, so I can get out my fears about living here by myself, so I can work through what it means to be 25 and single again and starting out in medical school in like, 2 minutes. (EEEP!)

For example, because I wrote the post, "Emotional Time Clocking," I was able to keep myself from leaving R another message while I was waiting, and then when he called the next day, I was calm, centered and sweet instead of being like: "WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?! ARRRR!!!!"

Welcome to my outlet. Remember that the title to this blog is tongue-in-cheek, I don't think very many things I do are "slick."

"Just Friends"

So, more about Amy. He knows Amy because she used to date one of his best friends. I've met her a few times and she and I get along well. She is a pretty nice girl, but she parties a little too hard and doesn't have enough direction, in my opinion. From the outset her and I have totally clicked, but I understand that fundamentally her loyalty is to R, not to me, and as much as I might trust her, she may tell him whatever it is that I tell her.

Also, about this concert situation, a while back:

R: "Let's get more tickets. I'll get a ticket for you and for whoever Amy's dating and we can go on a double date."
K: "No...this was supposed to be a hangout for you and Amy. You guys should go."

And when he said that I know it was because he so totally does want to include me in things, but I don't need him to include me in everything.

So....I was definitely the one insisting that he still hang out with this girl friend even though he and I had started dating pretty seriously. I am not here to throw a wrinkle in his friendships with people. Before we got off of the phone last night I was like, "Have a great time! Say hi to Amy for me!" and I meant it. Today, he's supposed to pick me up around 2 for the wedding and I'm not going to call him before then, I'm going to the gym and then am going to make myself a fabulous lunch, take a hot bath, and get beautiful!

In General

I don't think it is uncommon anymore for men and women to have opposite sex friends that they hang out with (and not have "sexual relations", Monica Lewinsky!). I feel that knowing the handful of men that I've been lucky enough to be close to has taught me volumes about behaving around guys. Building a friendship or a relationship with a man is different than with another chick.

Being a Co-Ed Makes the Difference?

The background for this attitude may stem back to my college experience--I lived in a HUGE, co-ed dorm where guys and girls did all kinds of things together--played sports, studied, did laundry, went to meals, went to the beach. It was kind of impossible not to have some opposite sex friends. When I think about that whole life experiment (the dorms) it was kind of cool to get to live around men but to have my own space to retreat to with my dormmates. I recall how curious I was when I would walk down the men's hall (we had to, to get out of the building) and peek into the open doors, see them playing guitar, on the computer, reading books, sitting on bunks. Of course our names were plastered large on our doors on cardboard palm trees or some crap like that, so by the second month there, all 200 of us knew each other's names.

My college boyfriend (the first one, with his blue eyes and sandy blonde hair) didn't care who I was hanging out with and I didn't care who he was hanging out with when we weren't together. Everyone knew we were dating, just like I knew who was dating my guy friends. I knew they were hands-off, but getting to know them? That certainly wasn't out of bounds. I think this model, with a little maturity mixed in, still works for adults. Your partner is going to encounter people of the opposite sex at work, on the train to work, at the gym, at the grocery store, in the mall, at the bar, EVERYWHERE!

Loyalty

If you're loyal to someone completely, you don't allow a friendship to cross boundaries. There is no opening or space in your life for the friendship to start filling spaces in your relationship if you don't allow it to. It's okay after you've been with someone for awhile to admit that occasionally you feel a bit jealous of their opposite sex friends, perhaps 1% jealous and 99% totally fine, because it is natural to be protective of your mate. For now, I'm focusing on that rational 99%, that part that is confident and unshakable.

Choosing

The weird thing about jealousy, I've noticed, is that it is a total grab for the other person, a move to possess them entirely, a control play. You cannot "possess" another person, even if you are married to them: people are not for the "taking."

Ideally I think people make themselves as available as they can to their partners (emotionally, sexually, physically) rather than being owned (pwned?) or something to take stock of.

Switcheroo

2007-01-19T16:05:00.000-08:00

More Cowbell

Tonight R is taking his friend "Amy" to a concert. He was supposed to take her to the concert he ended up taking me to, on our first date, in November. Or whatever. Whatever, whatever, whatever. Like, I applaud him for being such a good friend to her, but I am certainly entitled to be a tad (like, 2%) jealous that she gets to go to a big event with him and I don't. He is so much fun to be places with and he and I have such a good time together.

It is probably good because he will see, by comparison, how much funner (haha....where's the grammar police!? I know that makes you crazy!) it is to do things with me.

Things Work Out The Way They Should

On the other hand, I am kind of beat tonight and have rented "The Last Kiss." I've also got three loads of laundry drying upstairs and am contemplating hot chocolate with mini-marshmallows. You know, the finer things in life.

R was here last night and it was a late night...he is soooo incredibly amazing. Perhaps he stayed over because he knew he wouldn't see me tonight. I am feeling pretty unthreatened by this whole concert-with-Amy thing. Earlier on (like, three weeks ago) I was more ruffled by it, but now I'm so much more secure in this thing with R (and am pretty tired tonight) so overall am just like, Meh.

Also, I'm going to a wedding with him, tomorrow. That he asked me to all the way back when we went to his company's holiday party. A wedding, y'all. I suppose if he was taking me to this concert and HER to the wedding as his date, I would have cause for concern. Yawn.

Guess What I Had For Dinner?

Maybe I should do a "Cooking, With Kate!" segment here on "Slick Adventures." Come to think of it, these waffles would probably be good to serve your sweetheart on Valentine's Day, and they are easy. Woo.

White Chocolate Strawberry Waffles

2 Frozen Waffles, Preferably Gluten-Free
White Chocolate Chips
Fresh Strawberry jam or jelly or fresh strawberries

Toast Waffles until crispy. Sprinkle White Chocolate Chips onto waffle, microwave 10 seconds. Spread chocolate evenly over waffle. Lick knife. Yum. Okay. Spread strawberry jam or strawberries over waffle.

You're welcome.

xoxoxo,
K

PS: Update! This...Just....In!

Okay, so as I was publishing this, guess who called? Yep, R.
I'll let you guys listen in--

(Phone Rings, I pick up)
K: Hi, Handsome!
R: Hey! I wanted to call you before I went out tonight.
K: Cool. How was your day? Did you make it to work on time?

I guess there is no doubt who the #1 girl is in this situation with his friend (as if there was anyway!) What I love about this is that he's giving comfort to me, and providing reassurance without me ever asking for it. He also told me that he's wearing the shirt I gave him to the concert! I'm loving the loyalty here.

Monday, I'm in love

2007-01-16T11:25:00.000-08:00

Monday AM, Martin Luther King day, and no work.

I sleep in until 9.

Lazily, I decide to have Amy's Organic Gluten-Free Rice Crust Cheese Pizza for breakfast.

I preheat the oven and start to shuffle through some papers. I make my bed and put my pizza in the oven.

10:15 am. My phone is buzzing. I open it up. It's R.
(inner monologue: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!)

K: Hello?
R: Hi, sweetheart. It's me.
K: ....
R: I don't have a lot of time right now, I'm at work, but I wanted to say,
look, I'm sorry I didn't call you back yesterday.
K: It's okay--I just wanted to talk to you yesterday.
R: Can we hang out tonight?
K: Sure. Sounds good.
R: I'll call you when you get off of work.

I'm impressed that:
1. He apologized
2. He called that morning from work

All of you that told me to sit tight and wait it out were correct. A Bears victory and a few too many drinks meant he didn't even get my message until Monday morning.

This weekend is the wedding
That he invited me to this December. I got a pretty black dress at Macy's this weekend to wear since most of my dresses are...too big! Yay! It fits really cute in all of the right places. It's strappy and comes just above my knee. My favorite thing that I got (besides the dress, obviously) is a sparkly Cherry Chau headband--it has black crystals in it and is really understated but fabulous.

Emotional Time Clocking

2007-01-14T19:05:00.000-08:00

8 am: R drops me off at my place, taking extra care to hop out of his truck and walk me to the front of my building, always bending to give me another kiss after I feel like I've gotten all of the goodbye kisses I'm going to get. Happy but tired I quietly ride the elevators to my place.

9 am: I've unloaded my dishwasher, made an action list of things for the day and am contemplating the who/what/where of watching the Bears game. I lay down on my bed and look at Glamour's February issue.

9:30-12 noon: Fast asleep on my bed. So uncharacteristic of me, but maybe I needed it!

12:30: I have two voice mail messages, both from girlfriends that I totally love. The second one has read my mind and wants me to meet her and some friends at a bar a few Red Line stops away.

1-5: I spend a great afternoon at the bar, cheering on Da Bears, drinking Miller Lite and eating a Turkey Burger. On my way home in a cab ($15! Holy Cow!) I chat with my folks who are loving and supportive (but long winded).

5:35 pm: I leave R a playful, short message being excited about the Bear's victory today, asking what he's up to, and wondering if I can come and get my leftovers from last night (we had great Italian but it was HUGE) so that I don't have to cook.

6 pm: I hop in the shower and hear my phone ring. It's a girlfriend of mine (Sweet, but not who I was hoping for. Fuck!) I call her back and we have a good, long chat, which we both needed. I totally heart her. But...inwardly, I'm starting to fume that R didn't pick up the phone when I called, especially after I watched him take like, 10 calls yesterday while we were running errands. Also, since he normally picks up all of my calls. I'm spoiled, okay?

Oh, and the inner monologue starts...

Me: He might not even be back from the game yet.
Myself: Or, his phone is in his jacket and his jacket is in his truck/house/somewhere he isn't.
I: Or, you're making excuses. Maybe he didn't want to talk to you.
Me: Shut up! Of course he would want to talk to me. Sheesh.
Myself: You guys spent yesterday together and um, a pretty hot night last night before bed. Seriously, though, maybe he just missed the call.
I: Or maybe he's hanging out with his friend (who is a girl), C. Or his guy friends. Or his family.
Me: Out of fairness, you did tell him you were hanging with other people tonight, previously.

What if he does call?
I'll keep it happy and light. I mean, I am enjoying myself and do enjoy being alone, but I wanted to talk to him tonight, if only to share the excitement that the Bears are going to keep playing football for a while longer.

40 Ounces to Freedom?

2007-01-13T09:17:00.000-08:00

Fears About Me Partying: A Control Issue?

I know that one of my issues with being totally drunk is that I'm not completely under my own control. At all times, I want to make sure that I am stable within myself, that I have my own balance. I feel like when I'm drinking (a lot) that I am dangerously close to off-balance.

Well, what's so bad about that? Well. I'm a happy drunk, giggling and sweet, but if something goes wrong, I won't react the way I would like to, which is calmly and in control. My normal personality is happy and thoughtful but passionate and emotional. There is nothing wrong with being emotional normally, except that when I'm overstimulated and more uninhibited, those emotions run high and my reactions to things will be abnormally large.

My other issue is that the next day, even if everything goes great and I have an awesome time, that I feel like shit. And depressed! I know I've done something wrong if I feel depressed and start having really dark thoughts, because the monologue in my head is generally cheerful and upbeat, not morose. Yuck!

I certainly don't wake up refreshed, relaxed and energized for the next day. I'm trying to focus right now on keeping my body healthy, on treating myself right. Somehow pumping myself full of alcohol and wasting a day and half seems like less than the best plan.

The final issue is that sometimes at large parties, scary things happen--if you're sober, you have a MUCH better chance of defending yourself against an attacker. Even if you're with people you know or a date or something, you are ultimately in charge of yourself.

Drinking is not a way to cope with things

So, where is the balance for me? A few drinks here and there, happy and buzzed, but not to the point where internally I'm off balance and becoming fearful that my emotions will come out when I don't want them to.

I know that one of my coping mechanisms when things are going badly (or simply not the way I wanted them to) is to internalize things, put it aside for the moment so I can stay happy and calm, so that I can not be overwhelmed. I do this at work, with family, with friends, with lovers. This is okay as long as I let things out appropriately (working out, writing it out, confronting the person) but if I haven't had a chance to cope the way I need to, I worry that my feelings and frustrations would come flying powerfully and horribly out of me.

My Fears With Others Partying

When it comes to the men I'm dating being drunk (and this has applied no matter who I was/am dating): there is a small part of me, about 6 years old, terrified that the man I'm in love with will become violent for no reason and hurt me while he's drunk. And then I obviously could never love him anymore, because that "little girl" part of me wouldn't feel protected.

That 6 year old girl is fearful like that because of the physical abuse endured by my sister's father when he was inebriated beyond belief. There was only a couple of episodes but it was enough to implant that fear in my heart for the rest of my life. Fathers, be good to your daughters. Please? Moving on.

I understand that people say/do things they wouldn't normally when they are drunk, but deep down, my 20-something voice says there is NEVER going to be a good excuse for violence, or cheating, or verbal putdowns or whatever.

Wanting to be hip and cool and fun

Obviously, Men and Women drink differently. Most men, by virtue of having 40-100 pounds on most of us women, can drink a lot more. You also have more alcohol dehydrogenase (go look it up) in your liver, so you release less unmetabolized alcohol into your bloodstreams.

Anyway. I'm working through what my issues are specifically with alcohol and partying, deciding what's okay for me and what's not.

The Problem with Equations

2007-01-09T09:39:00.000-08:00

Sex=Love (?)

I am learning that this is the most complicated equation possible, even more complicated than the Schrodinger Equation (and the theoretical cat). It's a nerdy-ass physics reference for you non-scientific (aka COOL) readers.

When it comes to my life I have learned a few basic truths about
myself:

1. I become (very, in some cases) attached to the men I sleep with. And
then want them to be totally smitten with me.*
2. I have a hard time admitting #1 to myself, generally.
3. I want to be cool about sex, and aloof, but it doesn't really happen
because of #1.

I am fairly certain that guys don't start to get attached because of great sex. This frightens me.

*Where did expectation #1 come from? Well, my armchair psychologists, I'm glad you asked. It's because of my first experience with sex, with a serious boyfriend in college--we dated for a few months before our first time. He already definitely loved me before we had ever had sex, and even more so afterwards. And here's where we get this troubling sexpectation.

Not Having Sex=Rejection?
So here's the next issue. I'm thinking that a man, if he loves me, should want to have sex with me at every possible opportunity, because sex is definitely an expression of love, and lust, and passion.

What is the worst that could happen? I guess I could say no or that I didn't have time or whatever, and I understand that minor rejections can hurt, but nine times out of ten I am going to say yes if it is a man I'm in love with or am falling in love with. Because, why not? It's fun, we get to be close, and I then feel reassured about how the man feels about me.

I don't really understand this whole "I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm overwhelmed" or the "I'm not shaved yet/I have bad breath/Whatever" thing that seems to keep guys from getting it on sometimes. To me that sort of looks like, "I don't really feel like loving you today." Does anyone (guys) have any valid reasons why a regular man wouldn't initiate sex if he thought he could get it?

Me Initiating Sex=Too Forward?
I understand that I am going to have to learn to initiate sex more clearly in the future, I mean, beyond teasing or trying to get someone's attention or flirting. Because of this idea about sex equalling love combined with my personal idea about wanting the man to be the leader, asking for sex feels like asking for love, which is something I feel "above" doing.

I have an understanding that coming on to a man or being clear about wanting sex is not the exact same thing as asking for love but it kind of feels that way. I can fathom that no human man can be emotionally available enough to offer love (or sex) to me any time I could possibly need it (because life happens) but I want to think that it could be possible.

Love can be the way I understand it to be
I need to stop beating myself up for feeling like I'm needy because I need love demonstrated in a physical fashion. It is a way I clearly comprehend affection. This physical type of love was something I was missing with my ex and now is definitely demonstrating itself as a real need for me.

Thanks, Captain Obvious

2007-01-02T14:39:00.000-08:00

Getting a divorce is a pain in my fucking ass.

Girls, let me tell you the problem with being married: You can't just "break up" with the a-hole. No, no, you have to straight-up divorce his pansy ass. Now, if you're trying to be half-way civil about the whole thing like a sane person tries to be, then people treat you like you shouldn't be divorcing, or like you need to ramp up the drama or something.

Newsflash...I don't need drama in the traditional sense, screaming fights or stories of cheating or black eyes. I have a whole box of wedding pictures that I'm never going to look at again. I have a wedding ring I'm never going to wear. These are the real quiet, trivial dramas that add up for divorced people and ring louder than the phone when the ex calls to talk about the settlement for the tenth time this month.

Having a sweet boyfriend does make it better

It doesn't hurt that he's divorced too, that I know that in his closet somewhere he has a box filled with pictures of his ex-wife and that he had to struggle through the same way.

It means we both had the unsavory experience of ending a marriage when ending a marriage was the last thing either of us ever thought we would be doing. It certainly doesn't make us immune to the problems that plague normal couples, or guarantee that we won't have problems if we keep dating, or even that we won't make the same mistakes we did before, with each other.

He's becoming a good, perhaps even a best friend

..which is a big help. There is something kind and comfortable about the two of us together, a type of honesty that comes out of being through the experience of being divorced and understanding where your faults are.

For example, I (kind of) had a fit the other night and got emotional about something I thought he had said about this girl at a bar. He patiently listened to me, understood, didn't humiliate me for being vulnerable and emotional, and then reassured me. He gave me the time I needed and listened, and talked. I then let him know that sometimes I get oversensitive and even though I know I'm being irrational, will be upset, and that he had handled it well and that I already felt better.

The next day I was apologizing about it and he was really sweet again and said that he accepts me the way I am, and that it is okay to express whatever feelings I'm feeling because he feels better knowing what is going on with me.

I feel that no matter what, I am working on new relationship skills with R that I didn't have before. Welcome to me being myself, totally myself, and looking for a man to love me anyway. If R turns out to be that guy, fine. If he doesn't, I was brave enough to step out there and be myself, strengths and weaknesses across the board, being Kate the Great (and the Not-So-Great) instead of forcing myself into the "Perfect (Fake!) Girlfriend" mold.

And now for the biggest obvious statement of all: Being your authentic self is a lot of work.

My authentic self needs a lot of work. Happy New Year everyone.

xoxo,
K

And the Answer Is...

2006-12-27T21:42:00.000-08:00

A Cladaugh ring with a green stone in the heart!
The question, of course, was "What was in that little box in R's pocket?" The rule about this apparently is that whoever gives you the ring must be someone who loves you. Guess who told me this rule?

Yeah. He's intense. And, most of you readers called it: the man is totally smitten. Good detective work, everyone.

Since I got this ring I have been wearing it dreamily, just enjoying the simple fact that I know where R stands and that position is: totally adoring me. Yes! He really is the perfect boyfriend for right now--has his own life and own friends, is plenty busy at work and is totally sweet to me otherwise.

Will it become something more?
Who knows. I'm not too worried about any of that right now, just enjoying being well taken care of and relaxing in all aspects of my life until medical school starts. This whole thing with him came up pretty fast and is seeming to advance pretty quickly, which makes me both excited and leery about it. It might be a total fly-by-night romance, or one of those hot-and-heavy things that burns out eventually, or it might be something else. The only remedy for me (unlike in the past) is to not push the issue, just sit back and let time go by.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday.

xo
K

Merry Christmas, Baby

2006-12-22T16:53:00.000-08:00

Let's not even talk about how frustrating it is that my flights were cancelled.

But what it does mean is that I have another night with my hot Marine. Woo. He's staying over here and then taking me to the airport at freaking 4 am tomorrow. What a good sport, no?

He got me a book and a dvd (read: not romantic, but thoughtful and appropriate for where we are dating) for xmas so far, and has something else in his coat pocket that he was going to give me before I got on my plane (something LITTLE and SQUARISH), but that was thwarted so I guess I'll get it tonight or tomorrow morning.

[Inner monologue: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! Yeah!]

Everybody dance now! It is definitely some kind of jewelry or something. YES! The man is simple, but he is romantic. And, we all know from "The Rules" and "He's just not that into you" that if a man doesn't pull out something romantic for the first holiday together, even if it's only been a few weeks, that he's just NOT that into you. And, I want a man who's going to do romantic things for me. He gets to be the MAN and I get to be the WOMAN. Not so hard, right? Ha!

(Sound of single women hitting their heads against the wall...)

R's definitely into me (not that I had doubts at this point) but I want him to get things RIGHT and this isn't the kind of thing I can help him with. He's either the right guy or he's not in these regards.

Better than anything that comes in a box
...is waking up next to him. He looks so strong and peaceful when he's sleeping, and always pulls me close if I'm a bit away from him, wrapping himself around me and intertwining his fingers with mine. Yeah, we're in that new honeymoonish phase of things. But stuff keeps getting better. And the more I know about him, the more I want to find out.

Happy Holidays

2006-12-21T12:03:00.000-08:00

Oh, Holy Night, Oh, Fucked-Up Flight

They cancelled one of my major connections today, because it ran through Denver.
Unhelpfully, the people at Orbitz informed me that if I cancelled one part of my flights it would completely screw over the rest of my reservation. Because it is SO F-ING UNREASONABLE to STILL NEED MY RETURN FLIGHT BACK! So to the tune of $700 I am on a different flight on Friday morning. And hoping that they will still let me take my return flights (THAT ARE ALREADY PAID FOR!) home. Now if I could just get through on the phone lines.

What is important is that I will get to spend Christmas with my family. Woo.

Thank You

I would like to thank each and every one of you (okay, all three of you, haha) for reading and moving with me to this new blog. I love your comments and your emails. Thank you for being interested in reading my random thoughts. May your flights not be cancelled, may you get everything you want and nothing you need.

Hugs,
K

Backside Attack, Not So Fun

2006-12-15T13:27:00.000-08:00

Or, RED light means Stop, Asshole!

I was rear-ended on a major road here in Chicago. One concussion later, I was flat on my ass in bed last night and have been resting all of today. I would move but it fucking hurts. Shitballs, Motherfucker, indeed. Shitballs, Motherfucker: The Reprise. Okay?

Let's go back in time to tomorrow morning, also: shitty.

The beginning of yesterday started out not so good, with one lock-out of my office and about 800 too many tasks to do in the span of one fucking workday. I had my first official meltdown at work yesterday, too. God, you guys, it's been a long time since I've cried at work but I was just so OVER IT. Between the swirl of requests from clients, staff and vendors, I was just done. I had been putting in crazy hours, often with no real breaks and under extreme pressure. The tears came and for the first time, I didn't punish myself for it. If I was going to have a nervous breakdown, then dammit, I am ENTITLED to that.

Saves the Day?

I cried a little and then calmed down a bit and gave R a call. He was sweet and extremely concerned and even offered to drive out from his worksite out of state to come and be with me. Of course, I talked him out of it. In hindsight, I should have let him come out right then--but I had no way of knowing I was going to have an accident and get hurt. I talked to him a couple more times that afternoon between his patients and he offered a few more times to come out and I reminded him (foolishly) that he would need to return back the very same night for more patients out there this morning (today). He needs to learn when NOT to listen to me! Haha. I need to learn to not talk him out of things.

He called later on when I was at the hospital to see how I was doing. It broke my heart to have to tell him I had had that accident, and I realized right then how badly I wanted him to be there, and how frightened I was from my head injury, and how I didn't want to be alone when something bad happened.

Pathetic, Obviously

2006-12-12T22:33:00.000-08:00

I miss him

So I know this is totally ghey of me to type out, but I miss R.

You guys: When did you see him last?
Me (blush): Sunday. Yeah, it's only been 2 days.

The Stress Is Not Helping
Hours Worked Today, Not including breaks: 12ish
Number of times I said "SHITBALLS, MOTHER FUCKER!": 2,102
Hours spent at the hospital volunteering: 1.5ish
Breakfast: Coffee, 2 donut holes
Lunch: M&M's
Dinner: Chipotle
Number of feet that are sore: 2
Flu Shots: 1

So yeah, working the long hours and being tired from it makes my inner 16 year old be like:

EXCUSE ME! HELLO OUT THERE! I JUST WANT TO HAVE DINNER WITH MY F-ING BOYFRIEND ALREADY!

Maybe he'll call tomorrow and we'll hang out tomorrow evening for a bit. We'll see. If I'm not drop-dead exhausted. I'm sure I'm a boatload of fun to hang out with when I am falling asleep. He is so sweet, I am sure he wouldn't mind cuddling me while I was dosing but I want to be conscious to enjoy spending time with him.

So Glam

2006-12-11T22:34:00.000-08:00

I think I might call him. (NOT)

On Sunday I decided to head out to a big mall in the 'burbs to do some shopping. (I didn't get anything for anyone ELSE, mind you, but that's another post, about my personal selfishness, heh). I mapquested the way there and figured I would head back the way I came. WRONG! The tollway (the toolway is what I initially typed...how fitting) wasn't anywhere to be found.

I pull into a gas-station, all old-school and roll up to the cashier. She starts to give me directions when this tall construction worker announces that he has the best, most easiest way and that he could write it down for me. So, fine. I let him do that, because the cashier looked confused anyway. He makes some comment about me calling him when I get back to the city. I smile and nod, not really thinking about it, instead thinking about the meatloaf sandwich with mashed potatoes at PJ's. I get in my car and am two sips into my Vitamin Water when I realize that after the directions is this guy's name and phone number! OH FUCK NO.

Imagine the story: "I met your father in a gas station."

I'm thinking not.

News Flashes, Dan Rather

2006-12-08T20:18:00.000-08:00

Love, Actually
This week I turned 25! Yeah! I guess I could have a quarter-life crisis now if I wanted to, but I'm guessing if that was going to happen, it would already. I got some beautiful cards from family and friends, and had a fantastic dinner out (tapas!) with a handful of my best girlfriends.

The most interesting of the cards came with a birthday floral (hydrangeas, gerbera daisies) arrangement from R, and the card said: "Love, R". LOVE, you guys. He signed the card LOVE.

(Inner monologue: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I mean, do guys just sign things "Love, Such-and-Such" if they don't really like (or possibly love?) the girl? I mean, he could have put "xoxo" or just his name. He didn't have to put "Love." But he did.

Maybe I am picking apart this small detail WAY too much, but it seems important. I mean, I've been dating him for what, a whole month? Thoughts?

Ring Finger Drama
OH! And major detail #2---he has one of those Irish rings (love, friendship, loyalty) that has the hands with the heart on it. He was wearing it with the heart facing out and I noticed on my birthday when he came to take me out to lunch that he had the heart FACING IN.

From Wikipedia:

Traditionally, if the ring is on the right hand with the heart facing outward and away from the body, this indicates that the person wearing the ring is not in any serious relationship, and may in fact be single and looking for a relationship. When worn on the right hand but with the heart facing inward toward the body, this indicates the person wearing the ring is in a relationship, or that "someone has captured their heart".

OMG, right? He's definitely trying to demonstrate something here. Holy cow, right? I guess there is a reason why I am not starting these posts with "He's just not that into me?" like I did with someone. Bottom line? I am so calm about this whole thing with him. It is like I have known him for such a long time. We had this intense emotional balance right away. I definitely can't wait to have more adventures with him, that is for sure.

You know how you guys know I'm a bachelorette?
...because I buy one roll of TP at a time when I'm at the grocery
...because I have diet soda but REGULAR beer in the fridge!
...because I have frozen burritos and edamame in my freezer
...because I've got a membership card to Hollywood Video (on my keychain)

Yeah!

2006-12-01T12:53:00.000-08:00

No HIV/Clap for me

So I got my results (www.tstd.org) via telephone and everything was NEGATIVE! Woo!
Even though I didn't have horrible reason to worry, there is always some cause for concern, you know? Viruses and bacteria rock all of our worlds. Apparently, not mine for now. I am the queen of safe sex, y'all. The freakin' queen! Woo!

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow

I am so excited about going to R's holiday party tonight. Last night I went for a drive with him (before the HUGE BLIZZARD THAT HIT CHICAGO!) through a gorgeous neighborhood near Comiskey (he's looking for a pretty flat in a brownstone in that area) and then we went to one of those great burger places where you walk up and order, and then pick up your stuff at the counter. It is in this great Irish/Italian neighborhood and there was this HUGE kid birthday party in there. We had a good homey drive past homes with xmas lights and little santas. He is so great, you guys. I can't wait to be his stunning date for this party tonight. Here goes nothing.

To Face The Fear

2006-11-28T17:54:00.000-08:00

And Not Feel Scared

Psssssst. Over here. Let's talk about one of the scariest things about being single--getting an STD/STI/HIV screening. Even if you know you've been fine, you've been safe, you are still scared $hitless waiting for the results. Because, what if? What if that one time that one thing happened, it made you sick, physically ill, in need of medical attention? You can list off stats from the Centers for Disease Control all day long but if you're one of the 10 out of the 10,000 who get HIV from one unprotected encounter that statistic doesn't help you very much. At any rate, I am being as optimistic as possible--my knowledge of microbiology and virology doesn't help, though. Everyone think positive thoughts, okay?

The Way You Look Tonight

2006-11-27T17:57:00.000-08:00

Because I'd be Terrific Arm Candy, Obviously

Guess who got invited to go with R to his company holiday party? That's right, yours truly. On Friday night. Woo! A holiday date. Yesssss!! I think I have the perfect black dress for it, too, and some cute strappy shoes that sparkle just a little.

Gym Germs
Now I just have to get well so I can spend some serious time at the gym....working my phat ass out. Seriously, you guys, just b/c I'm seeing someone, now is NOT the time to get lazy with the gym time. It is the time to ramp this shit up and keep my tummy flat and my ass as small as possible. The fact that I'm turning 25 soon also doesn't help--the older we get, the slower the old metabolism, right? And I'm supposed to be hitting my prime. It isn't going to get any better than this. However, I have seen some really gorgeous 30 somethings so perhaps if I continue to take good care of myself, I will have the same good fortune.

Baby, It's Cold Outside

2006-11-26T19:35:00.000-08:00

An Irish Cure for the Common Cold?

Whiskey, folks. Whiskey. I have been very, very ill today with a sore throat--the kind that hurts to swallow and feels hopelessly swollen. I even had some episodes of vomiting, which I think was separate (food poisoning perhaps!?). R called me today (Yeah!) around 1:30 and I told him I wasn't feeling well at all. He called back later around 7:30 to "check in" on me and then informed me he was coming over with soup. I told him I didn't really feel like eating, and that I was probably infectious, but he could not be swayed (Yeah! I didn't want him to let me talk him out of coming, anyway...)

So despite the fact that his plan was to head to his sibling's bar on the south side, he drove all the way out to the city to make me a hot drink that had the following: Tea, Lemon, Honey, Irish Whiskey. It actually worked wonders on my throat! Imagine that. I think he is the secret ingredient though.

Imagine that, I'm dating someone thoughtful, considerate, and willing to drive 40 minutes (round trip) to come and see me and make sure I was okay. No fuss with this man, he simply likes being around me. Perfect.

Because being 28 and smoking pot is no longer cool, that's why
What about C? I haven't called/emailed/texted him since that night I bolted from his shithole of an apartment. Frankly, I have spared myself a ton of drama with him--he is handsome and sexy but doesn't have it all together emotionally. Also, he wasn't really willing to inconvience himself for me in the slightest, there was no compromise there. He wanted everything on his terms, all of the time. If it involved him making an effort, well, then, forget it. He gave me the preview for a relationship I certainly don't want to be in, of the "Watch-me-try-to-motivate-this-man", or the "maybe-when-he's-in-love-with-me-he-will-change" variety. I think I have already made a cameo in that type of film before and I don't care to try it again.

Turkey Day

2006-11-22T12:30:00.000-08:00

Mashed Potatoes Have Too Many Calories

But that won't stop our tragic heroine from adding to her gym time to avoid adding to her thighs. I am lucky that I am young, strong, and healthy. I should be thankful for all of those things and not make cracks about my expanding ass or immense thigh region. Haha.

Tomorrow I'm going to split the difference between some close friends' houses. Should be really good times.

I'm thankful to have friends that are like family. Great friends are TRULY the family we choose.

Tonight, Tonight

So tonight, R and I are going to order in pizza, salad and tiramisu, watch movies, and be lazy. He's had to work some late shifts this past week and could probably use a break. The movies and pizza are totally my treat, too. I swear to God I am going to fist fight him if he tries to pay the bill.

(Or maybe rock, paper, scissors. Good old rock! Nothing beats that!)

We'll be going out on a more "formal" date on Friday, probably to a steakhouse type place and then to see another comedy show, one that this blog's namesake, Kate (the real Kate) is starring in. Woo!

And Hello to you too
I was just noticing that whenever R shows up at my place to greet me, he hops out of his truck and he will gently (but firmly!) pull me close. I'll wrap my arms around his neck, and he'll tip me back a little and kiss me slowly and tenderly. Just like in the movies. Talk about your romantic greetings, you know? He is always so happy to see me, and after we kiss he's smiling softly and both of us are breathless. I mean, we're not THAT couple that's frenching on the street or anything--we're appropriate but definitely in our own little world.

Pour Some Sugar On Me
I have never been much for PDA, but with R it seems that we can't stand to be next to each other and not be touching in some way. I'll be sitting in his truck and he'll play with my hair or grab my hand or something. We'll be walking somewhere and he'll tuck me under his arm. We'll be trying to say goodbye and it will last 30-45 minutes. Something amazing is going on here, you guys. My head fits perfectly in the crook of his shoulder. The way he hugs me, it feels like he could make everything okay even if he didn't know what to say.

Cancel the tickets for the Guilt Trip, I'm not going

2006-11-21T10:54:00.000-08:00

Maybe I should feel bad about C

What is funny is that I don't. Do not. There have been little warning signs, little referees throwing the yellow flags onto the field with him here and there. There is no point in me feeling bad just to, well, feel bad.

It also doesn't hurt that I have plenty of choices. Tammy left a great comment indicating that men can tell when they are not being totally adored by a woman anymore--and you know what? I think she's right. He felt like I was being more distant because I WAS being more distant.

A Sweet Message from R

So R leaves me a message explaining that he was awakened from sleep early this morning (on what was SUPPOSED to be his day off) and called into work. Boo! That totally sucks for him. He was really sweet on the message though, kind of starting to laugh at one point while he was talking about what was going on with him. He has this deep, throaty laugh and gorgeous smile when he's amused. Just hearing him laugh for a second totally made me smile.

Train Wreck, Party of One

2006-11-20T23:25:00.000-08:00

Tonight I learned a really important lesson:

Don't do something just to make someone else happy.

Long story short, C called me a few times and really wanted me to come over. I didn't really feel like it (and was, I know, slap me, waiting for R to call) but I did it anyway, figuring that I should still continue to see him even though I am kind of nutty about R right now.

Big mistake. Huge.

I get to C's house and he's barely trying to kiss me or whatever. He keeps working on his stuff way past when he should have been. We're cuddling in bed and I'm talking quietly to him, and he interrupts, "Shh...we should get to sleep now." And this is when I kind of snapped, because he had done that before. I was talking to him about something important, and he was basically telling me to shut up.

We exchanged a few more words. He asked me if I was thinking about leaving. He asked me to come over and snuggle with him. He told me that he thought I didn't know what I wanted.

Overall I just got that gut feeling like I wanted to leave. So I did. Something is wrong there with him and I'm not going to stick around to find out. If he wants to call me again, fine, but I don't think that we are going anywhere fast.

I fear that I am not getting any better at choosing men.

I fear that I am not going to find someone who is going to treat me the way I deserve to be treated and absolutely love as much about me as possible.

I am going to keep trying, keep talking to people, keep seeing what's going on with R and keep my head up. Perhaps my problem is that I'm not as good at judging people on first impressions as I thought I was.

The balls' in my court and I need to keep my feet on the ground. I'm the one who has the choices, who has everything to offer. I'm not going to let C throw me off of my game completely. No one deserves that kind of consideration at this point.

"Strange Vibes"

2006-11-20T08:49:00.001-08:00

Wherein C starts to smell a rat

The message I got from C last night:

Hey. I was thinking that we should see each other--I'm not adverse to taking [the subway] to come up and see you. Talk to you later."

While I was in the bath I got this message from C and then a message from R. And then I had to decide what I wanted to do.

(Cue Jeopardy! Theme)

So R wanted to come over and watch a movie with me, and I thought, great! But then I had to call C and make up some lame excuse.

K: "Hey, C. I got your message. I'd like to see you, too, but I am really busy with studying and need to get to bed early tonight."
C: "Yeah, okay. I just thought it would be good for us to see each other. Next week is going to be weird with Thanksgiving and all."
K: "Yeah. We'll figure it out. Maybe tomorrow?"
C: "Okay. Sounds good. Hey, is everything cool with us? I'm getting this strange vibe from you."
K: "Yeah, everything's fine. I have just been really busy with work, school, friends, etc."
C: "Okay then. Talk to you soon."

What's funny is that now that I have other things going on, now C is calling me 2x a day and leaving sweet messages saying that he wants to see me and that he'll endure the 30 minutes on the subway to do so. A week ago I would have been over the moon to get a message like that from him.

More about R

So we had a few little talks and I found out the following important
information about R:
He was really impressed the other night at the bar (where we met up with some of his friends) with how well I fit in with his group of friends. He said that it felt like we were way beyond our second date. I would have to agree. We made an extremely good appearance together. This could be a fluke, or it could just mean that we both have the same ideas about how someone we're dating is supposed to behave in public situations. He noted that his cousin and one of his good friends went out of their way to tell him how much they liked me. Sweet!

Seriously, he is amazing, you guys. I feel really comfortable with him, not that psycho out of control thing that I felt when I was trying to chase down C, but more of a calmness about the whole thing. I know R likes me. I like him. I feel good about this and excited about when I'm going to see him again.

It is also possible that I am just getting more comfortable with dating. It sounds AWFUL but I feel like I worked out some of the "kinks" (the things you SHOULDN'T say/do/talk about) on previous dates and now (albeit my usual weirdness) am a bit more polished and put together, just in time to meet someone amazing like R.

I'm sure there will be some embarrassing moments in store for me, in front of R, but they won't be because of inexperience. Probably because of general klutziness. I am klutz-tastic.

My Friend Wants to Kill Me
So one of my really good friends, a total confidant, told me that he doesn't want me to talk to him about my whole dating thing. I was really hurt about this because he was kind of the only one I was trusting enough to talk about things directly and ask questions to and stuff. So I'm bummed that he doesn't want to hear about things. I feel kind of stifled.

So there will probably be a lot more posts coming from me, maybe twice daily so that I can get out all of these thoughts.

I love your comments and your emails, everyone. Thanks for reading.

xo
K

All together now: "Oh, Yeah!"

2006-11-19T11:49:00.000-08:00

Score one for Team R!

So last night R planned this whole evening for us--out to a romantic, quiet old brownstone for an authentic Italian dinner and then to Wrigleyville for some improv comedy. Afterwards we hit up a bar and by 1:30 am, I was exhausted. I was totally yawning on the ride home. Oops.

R's amazing and totally fun, too. He actually does that thing where he'll switch sides if we're walking down the street so he can be on the car side. So if we're in a crosswalk and someone runs a light, they are going to hit him first.

[I didn't know about the above courtesy until I met Mr. Big, BTW. He was the first one to do that, and I gave him a moderate amount of shit about it. Hell, I still tease him about it by waving my hands back and forth on either side (sort of like the "Emergency signal" in Team America) to indicate: "WHERE ARE YOU GOING NOW?!?!"]

Taking me on dates is probably getting EXPENSIVE for R at this point. I mean, a concert, parking, dinner, dinner (again), parking, a comedy show, drinks, etc. He's the one doing the inviting though, so he must be fine with it. I know, I shouldn't worry about this stuff and I have been really appreciative of him but feel kinda bad. Or maybe the guys I've been with have been letting me do too much. Maybe I should sit back and let someone take care of me and repay them with the pleasure of my company (hahahah) and stunning good looks (heheheheheh!).

Maybe we should make Hallmark Cards?
I think it is all worth his while, though. At one point we were totally just kissing on some random street. How did we get to this point? Well. He had leaned over to kiss me while we were walking (which has happened before with us, a couple of kisses, no big deal, right?) but this time he pulled me in all the way. We were on one of those pretty residential streets full of big brick three-stories with lumbering porches and white lights in the trees...and here I am, breathless in the arms of this man I've spent under 10 hours with.
Yeah, we were that couple that can kiss and walk at the same time. I know. Everybody barf now.

The kicker is that I asked him if he was normally this affectionate in public. His response: "Never."

Who Wants To Come in Second? (Anyone? Bueller?)

If things get more exclusive with R, I think I'll have to 'break up' with C, let him know that I'm seeing someone else that I want to be with. I am starting to already feel bad about C, seeing as he is a clear second choice already. The bad part about this, is, what if I meet someone I like more than R? Is that POSSIBLE? When do you stop "trading up?" I don't want to hurt any of these guys or be a total heartbreaker or anything. I know they are big boys and that I have no commitment to them, but it's wrong on some level to sneak past a man's defenses, get totally under his skin and then suddenly break up with him (when nothing's 'wrong', per se) because you meet someone you like 'better.'

Now That's Romantic

2006-11-17T14:03:00.000-08:00

So I got this love poem today from a suitor on Match.com:

I want to make you mine
Slap your phat behind
Tie you down and make you whine
I want you to scratch my itch
And be my bitch
Because I love you, girl.

(To be fair, it's a friend of mine, and this really cracked my shit up. Thank you for that.)

Another Hat In The Ring

2006-11-16T22:25:00.000-08:00

Wherein our previous front runner is given a run for his money

So tonight I went out with R, a handsome paramedic from the city. He drives a big pickup truck and was a serious gentleman. Mmmmm. He was waiting in my lobby for me (parked his truck in my building despite the outrageous parking fees) and when I saw him I was pleasantly surprised--very good looking and nice body too. Yay! I knew that I thought he was funny and smart over the phone, but, yeah. Wow. He is an ex-Marine (!) and definitely looks the part, packed in his stacks and excellent posture. He even sports a short haircut which makes him look very clean-cut. Yeah!

We had a great time at the concert, lots of good laughs, and as soon as we were standing/dancing/singing, he totally threw his arm around me and then didn't want to take his hands off of me after that. Woo! We even held hands on the way back to the parking lot.

So, we're sitting in his truck in front of my building, and he leans in to give me a kiss. And he kisses me, and kisses me, and kisses me. And, wow. Yeah.

It was nice to be treated like I was a total prize, a total queen. So there are some total sparks there, for sure. Unless he's just unbelievably smooth and is able to finesse everyone the way he did me. I sooooooo don't want to believe that right now, though.

So, let's do a head-by-head comparison of these two:

R (Challenger)//C (Returning Champion)
29, Ex-Marine, Paramedic//28, Engineer, Student
5'11, short black hair, brown eyes//5'11, curly blond hair, blue eyes
Smokes when drinking//Smokes pot occasionally
Occasional drinker//Regular drinker
Divorced (1 year ago?), No kids//Separated (1 year ago), No kids
Taurus//Libra
From Chicago//From Ohio
Lives approx. 40 min away//Lives approx. 25 min away
First Date: Concert, Dinner//First Date: Drinks @ a bar
Has a pet cat//Watches his ex's pet occasionally

So there you have it. Place your bets accordingly. Upon meeting R, I was pulled out of my lovesick daze for C and snapped into my A-Game. Funny how fickle I am.

Everyone cross your fingers that R gives me a call in the next few days, okay?

xo,
K

Life More Interesting?

2006-11-16T13:15:00.000-08:00

She's Come Undone (Almost)

So as you could tell from my previous post, I was in a bit of a tailspin from being around C, the hot engineer that really made me stop, look and listen. I still totally dig him, but have been able to get a grip on myself. I am feeling more secure about how he feels about me because of some of the things he has said and done recently. We had a conversation where he brought up the fact that he hoped that I thought of him as my boyfriend. Everyone, collectively--"Awwwww!" Right? But here's the kicker--he doesn't really care if I keep seeing other people because he says that "I'll win out anyway, you'll still pick me." And in a way, he's right, he is the uncontested front runner, but he doesn't have to be reassured of that. Hee.

He'll be downtown on Friday night, maybe he'll call me when he's done with school so we can hang out.

Rock out (hopefully not with your cock out)
Tonight I am going to a concert. Woo! I am pretty excited about it. I kind of can't wait to eat concession stand food and listen to music that I am definitely going to think is WAY TOO LOUD!
Exhausted!
That is about it for now. All of this dating makes me tired. I know you all feel really sorry for me on that count. Work is stressful (always is), and I feel overwhelmed with other little things to do (paperwork for med school, paperwork for scholarships, etc) but am trying to get what needs to get done, done.

If I don't get back to you before then, have a fabulous weekend.

xo
K

OMG!

2006-11-11T17:06:00.000-08:00

Downtown Girl, MD!

Thanks everyone for your prayers and kind words and support. As of Friday afternoon I knew I was accepted to an MD program that I really love. Hurray! I'm going to be a doctor! I can't believe it! I am so incredibly excited.

Now onto the man news. I know that's why you are all here, you drama queens.

Visit from Mr. Big, Canceled

So my #1, Mr. Unavailable, was supposed to come into town on Monday/Tuesday. I am bummed because he is completely amazing, both inside the bedroom and out. Perhaps it is good in some regard that he is not coming, because it forces me to move on with things in other areas of my life. This fact does not console me, however. It is what it is, I suppose.

Current Front Runner: Update

So I went with him to meet a couple of his friends out at a bar. This guy is not the touchy-feely type in public at all, but a few times, under the table, he would grab my hand or run his hand along my leg. I made extra special sure not to respond outwardly, so that we could keep our covert PDA under wraps. What was interesting was that I know he's not really into doing that but it was like he couldn't keep his hands off of me. Granted, I looked pretty hot in a black halter dress and kitten heels. But still. For someone who despises PDA, to be holding my hand under a tiny cocktail table seems big. I could be wrong, though.

AND THEN, as we were laying in bed, getting ready to fall asleep (now granted, he had had a few drinks, but still)...

Me: You falling asleep?
Him (sleepy, groggy voice): Yeah, I'm falling.
Me: (quiet)
Him: (much softer) I'm totally falling for you.
Me: (quiet)

What I was thinking: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Now. Regroup. Focus. I know people say all kinds of things when they have been drinking a little, but, this. This is kind of big, no?

Also, this morning I was laying on my side, and he was laying on his side, and he rolls over and lays on his back and looks at me. Smiling, he patted his chest and said, "Come here. Rest with me over here."

You guys, he totally wanted me to snuggle up to him in the nook! And then he kissed my forehead when I did. I think that's serious business, team! Also, if you read a post of mine a few times back, I had written about someone who would pat the smooth cool of his chest for me, AND THIS GUY DID IT. Now, maybe I'm giving him too much credit, but him doing that seemed very tender and really cool. If I'm standing somewhere, he'll come up and put both arms around my waist from behind. When he hugs me, he squeezes. He kisses my forehead and the tip of my nose and the back of my neck.

So, I think things are going well with him. We haven't slept together yet (I'm kind of holding out, team, waiting to see if he's into me. Whaddya think?)...but I am thinking it could be good times. I just don't want to go it too soon because I want to make sure he really likes me first. I'm not sleeping with anyone that I don't really like, that doesn't really like me too. I'm worth more than that.

As a friend would say, "I'd sleep with X, but I wouldn't feel good about myself." I want to avoid that!

Bring in the Bench Warmers!

So what about the second string of Match dot commers? Well there are only two right now that I am kind of talking to. The Firefighter, the Jewboy, and OfficeSpace are all a distant memory. The Cop called me today I think but I don't know about him. He seems a little clingy. I am hoping this thing with my engineer goes well, and am trying to stay busy and stay interested in others at the same time so that I don't get too serious too fast. Here are the current new-comers, we are pre-first-date on all counts.

1. The Construction Worker (Men at Work! Woo!). He said some things that make me think he has some emotional issues, like oversensitive. He likes to cook and loves children. He was sweet on the phone but I am not sure what he would be like in real life.

2. The Sports Fan/Ex-Marine (A different one). The whole USMC is trying to fuck me, you guys. Let's just get that on the table. Got an email from this guy on Friday, he seems sweet and smart, pretty cool. We had a pretty good talk this afternoon and we'll see.

Love until Later,
K

He's Just Not That Into Me?

2006-11-08T08:30:00.000-08:00

An Update on the Engineer (Current Front Runner!)
Date Number: Four

What's interesting about him is that he definitely wants for us to be more physical (hopefully I don't have to go into how I know this you pervs!) but has expressed concern that he doesn't want things to go too fast, too soon. He didn't go into a big spiel about it or anything, but was just like, "I really want to do this, but know that I'll be pissed at myself for doing this too soon." I am not sure how to take this or what it means. I mean, if he really liked me (and is attracted to me) he would definitely want to sleep with me ASAP, right? Or is it possibly because he really likes me that he's holding back and waiting, because he doesn't want to screw things up? I mean, I'm getting more comfortable with him and am glad we're taking things slowly but am not sure how to take this, if it is a good thing or not.

Dear readers, could it be that he's not totally smitten with me? (What is the MATTER with him, then?)

I am thinking that what it means is one of the three:
1. He's just not that into me (Which, okay. Whatever.)
2. He's totally and completely into me, and in a more serious way then just fuck buddies, and is working to demonstrate that.

In Case of #1 (He's just not that into me)

So I talked on the phone to this guy, T, (a new guy!) who is in his early thirties and seems very cool. He served in the military and has his own business now. He had a great sense of humor and was very laid-back and down to earth. We are going out on Thursday. He asked me a lot of tough questions but didn't put me on the spot. I think we could be a good match, possibly, but you can never know until you really meet someone. He is really good looking in pictures, and even though he obviously thinks I am cute (from my pictures and whatever), exceptionally handsome men make me nervous! I know that men like him especially are looking for brains and beauty, and I'm working on the brains and I am working on the beauty! Woo!

Coming Up?
On the horizon there are two guys I am emailing with. One is a construction worker in the suburbs (who plays guitar! Woo!) and the other I am not sure what he does but I know it is something corporate. Both are early thirties. We'll see if they give me their number or ask for mine. I'll keep you posted.

Soon-to-be-Voted-off-the-Island
1. The nerdy jewboy that I met up with at the bar the other night. He hasn't called or emailed or anything. He's kind of awkward anyway. Oh, ffs.
2. S, the semi-cute blond one who I saw Borat with. He is just socially retarded.
Both of them, just not that into me I guess. But guess what? I'm just not that into them EITHER! So there!

Mail Box Stakeout

Today might be the day I get my first decision letter from the schools. Everyone hold your breath, okay?

Love until Later.

Seriously, you guys, comment and advise about situation one. Email with any questions.
K

Total Request Live

2006-11-07T14:09:00.000-08:00

So I've gotten a request to give a recap of ALL of my dates so far.

Here's the format: Name (initial), Job, Where did we meet, details.

1st date: J, attorney, wine bar, gentlemanly but boring. Dressed kind of like Dilbert.

2nd date: R, cop, signature room, funny but not at all like his pictures. Did bring me yellow roses though.

3rd date: B, firefighter, downtown places, see other posts. He did get a second date, but that was all.

4th date: C, nerdy engineer, sports bar, sweet but cautious. Still dating. Current front runner. I totally like him.

5th date: C, cop, coffee, cool but not like his profile. Over-philosophizes things. Unsure where to go with this one.

6th date: S, finance, sports bar, rambles on and on about all kinds of weird stuff. Interesting sense of humor. Not certain that he's attracted to me. On our second date, we went to see the Borat movie. He called me on Monday (left a short message) and then sent me an email today letting me know that he had called me. I think he's a little socially retarded but we'll see.

7th date: J, computer engineer, sports bar, jewish and nerdy. Fairly smart and interesting, but much skinnier and nerdier in real life. Totally well-moneyed but trying to play like he's not. He was incredibly nervous the entire date with me and seemed kind of intimidated. If he was more confident, maybe. We'll see what he does.

So I've been out with SEVEN different guys since I started doing Match. I really like the nerdy engineer and am supposed to be going out with him tomorrow. I hope things progress well with him but am hedging my bets and continuing to contact more guys. I also think this will help me to not seem over-interested in him and to be busy with other things. I should not let him see that I am willing to completely re-arrange some of my schedule so that I can spend time with him. He is the kind of guy that makes me want to do that though, and I need to take it slow and make sure he is the kind of guy that deserves that kind of consideration from me.

love until later,
K

I don't have to sleep to dream

2006-11-05T19:43:00.000-08:00

So I know the posts have been prolific in the last few days. I anticipate this is going to be the case for awhile, as I have a lot of things going on around here. If you have made it through the last three posts, you are so patient. Love it!

#1. Online Dating
Okay, so this online dating thing is kind of confusing. Hell, this whole "dating" thing is kind of confusing. I guess in an ideal world I could have a man that I totally adore at my beck-and-call. I would make it worth his while, mind you...

I do know that this is unrealistic and to find someone who wants to be with me and know me deeply, emotionally, passionately is rare and is something that I may not ever find.

#2. My Ex
We don't have the romantic love to continue any sort of relationship. I can look at him and see how I thought he was attractive, and will agree that he is an attractive man, but don't want to go back to living the life we were living. Even though being in my apartment is sometimes lonely, being with him so that I'll NOT be lonely is the wrong thing to do. And he's too skinny. And too stubborn.

#3. On filling my time
Sometimes I catch myself doing things because I am lonely or not sure what to do, like calling random friends, perusing match, re-reading blogs, etc. Whenever I realize that my motivation is loneliness-related, I take a step back and think about that. I should be calling friends because I want to talk to that person. I should be looking on match because I want to date someone interesting. I should be reading blogs so that I can get to know you all better. It is okay to be momentarily motivated by loneliness, but only momentarily. Understanding this fact doesn't make me not feel like being: "WHY HASN'T ANYONE EMAILED ME?? WHY!? WHY!" and then refresh Gmail like a crazy person because perhaps the reason why is that Gmail just isn't SHOWING my new email from whoever.

#4. More about boys
I guess I just want someone amazing to be totally smitten with me. To think I'm adorable, totally irresistable, completely lovely. To want to be with me all of the time (even though that is so not possible, haha). To remind me to pack my pj's because there is no way he's going to let me go home after we go out together. To be patient with the fact that I like to ramble on about all kinds of things, because I'm happy or sad or excited or figuring something out verbally. To be proud that I'm a girly girl who will wear skirts and dresses even if it's cold, and to enjoy the fact that I'm wearing cute panties underneath. Someone who doesn't mind that I am feminine and want to be taken care of in an emotional sense. Someone who's going to kiss me for no reason.

#5. Chocolate Ice Cream
I'd like some. Haha. I seriously have PMS, everyone. Maybe this is why I have so many "feelings" lately!

#6. OMFG---the engineer is calling!
Gotta run...

And Another Thing

2006-11-04T18:44:00.000-08:00

Okay. So I'm taking stock of this whole dating situation, once again.
I have PMS, so this possibly explains my inner turmoil and need to "work" through this by typing it out.

So. Who am I most interested in (that's available) RIGHT NOW?
Definitely the nerdy engineer. He's got brains, a job, is going to school, is sexy as hell and is a ton of fun. Because I like him I am working on being as COOL as possible about this. I need to let him take the lead, and he did. I got an email from him today (WOO! YEAH! HELL YEAH!) just telling me about his day and saying hi. So that is a GOOD SIGN! I wrote him back a short email thanking him for breakfast and wishing him luck on an upcoming examination. The email wasn't flirty or whatever, it was just nice. I mean, it was forward enough for me to SLEEP OVER AT HIS HOUSE! Haha.

Surprisingly, the date with Mr. Office Space was hot and cold. He's cute and occasionally funny, but has a tendency to ramble. He only lives a few buildings over and asked if he could come over and hang out later and I said, "why not" because I think he might be different in a more low-pressure type situation.

These two are my top contenders.

The current dark-horse is the cop that I had coffee with today, he seems nice but over-philosophizes things. I am willing to have dinner with him to see if I can deal with his general vibe and attitude.

The following have been AXED:
The firefighter---cool but unsophisticated. Hopelessly unrefined. Arrogant. DONE.
Others from Match---the profile is down and out for now, since I have two good contenders and am feeling out #3.

I am having a good time with this and it is nice to be figuring out what I like and what I'm interested in, and what I am NOT. I am also discovering that I am having an easier time finding men that I'm attracted to, so sexual compatibility may not be issue for me that I thought it would be. Mental/emotional compatibility is going to be the hard one and that will wrap around to sexual compatibility again.

I'm going to throw some laundry in and try not to think too much about how I'd like to be seeing the nerdy engineer again tonight. Something about him feels good--but I felt that way initially about the firefighter too, and he turned out to be a dud. So I'm proceeding with caution instead of abandon, which...yeah, that's better.

Love until Later,
K

Talk Nerdy to Me

2006-11-04T08:57:00.000-08:00

if music is the universal language
think of me as one whole note

if science has the most perfect language
just think of me as MC squared

since mathematics can speak to the infinite
picture me as 1 to the first power

what i mean is one day
i'm gonna grab your love

and you'll be satisfied

(Nikki Giovanni, Communication)

So here's the update on the engineer. I picked this poem this morning because last night I was having talks with him about MATH and SCIENCE stuff. Haha! Dig it. Dig that he's smart. He has a pretty nice apartment, hardwood floors, typical bachelor-type pad...his heater doesn't work super great though, and it was kinda cold last night so we ended up under some blankets on his couch to watch a movie.

Gentle readers, before you start conjuring images of the downtown girl getting freaky on the couch, let me assure you that this guy was being a gentleman, and my body language was definitely hesitant. Also, we were watching a funny movie so that kept things lighthearted as well. I could tell he didn't WANT to behave, but he was doing a good job, and it always feels good to be treated like a lady, ya know?

So, it got late and he invited me to stay, promising that we'd just hang out and that it would be nice for us to get to continue cuddling. I wasn't going to dispute that, and decided to stay. We spent a lot of time awake, alternating telling stories and listening to one another. Occasionally he'd interrupt me to gently kiss my lower lip, my nose or my forehead and I'd giggle.

We definitely have some good chemistry going, but are being fairly cautious on both sides. I knew better than to tease or provoke him, too, because right then was NOT the time to test how much teasing he could handle before he would totally tackle me. This instinct was correct--This morning he kissed me from the base of my neck to the small of my back, tracing my spine with his lips, and then announced that he was amazed at his own willpower. I like the attention from him but am not sure I'm all the way comfortable with him. But I'm trying.

We laid in bed for a long while this morning, stretching and waking up slowly, being lazy together. He brightened considerably at one point, mentioning that there was a cool little local place around the corner that makes the best omelets. And so we went, and he was right-the place was homey and rustic, the food was delicious and I felt glad that I had a date where we actually got breakfast together the next day.

Everyone cross your fingers that he gives me a call in the next few days. I think he's got some potential.

What's on the plate for today? Well---definitely one, possibly two dates. I'm going to go hop in the shower, blow dry my hair, and get ready to go see an afternoon showing of the Borat movie (Hawkins, I'm going to see it with you, too, don't cry) with #4 Office Space and then am supposed to meet up later with someone new.

#5 The Cop
He's funny on the phone and seems like a real laid-back guy. I'm a bit leery of cops though b/c I think they can be a little psycho sometimes.

So where are we in this mess of 5?

Well. I think I'm going to have to vote the Firefighter off the island. He's going to be bummed because I did tell him that I "really like" him, (and I did) but I don't think that is going to cut it. I think the two of us are really, really different and that he is not going to give me what I want/need in a relationship. (Hence, no poon.) I am supposed to talk to him or see him tomorrow and I think I'm just going to avoid him, maybe call him in a few days and tell him it's not working out. How do people normally handle this?

So, here are the guys, in order of preference:
1. The Nerdy Engineer (Call me! Call me!)
2. Mr. Office Space (We'll see, you may be getting voted off the island soon, too!)
3. The Cop (In last place b/c we still need to go on a date)

Who's getting the boot?
1. The Firefighter. (Over it!)

I know, it's all so shallow.

Love until later,
K

Prescription: Drama

2006-11-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

Okay. So I'm going to introduce to you all my FOUR major love interests in my life, so you'll know who they are (Not really in order of preference, mind you...)

#1: Mr. Unavailable (Thirties)

I guess it is fitting that this guy gets top billing, because he holds the real trump card over the others--if at some point he WAS available (and I hate to admit this) I would completely drop whoever it was that I was seeing to be with him. You can all slap me on the wrists whenever you feel like it, but it is the honest-to-goodness truth. Because he's not available (see, not just a cute name...) I have to pursue other options, which, fine.

#2: The Firefighter (Mid-Twenties)

Things are a little off with him. I don't know, I feel like he and I have great chemistry but otherwise not a whole lot else. We are really, really different people. He is going to be REALLY laid back, the kind of man who doesn't really take me out to nice dinners or whatever...fancy is not really his style. Frankly I think I am still sort of entranced by nice things and by the whole romance thing so I am not sure if he's the guy for me. He knows that I really like him, and whatever, and I (kind of) agreed not to see other people, but he's waffling about things and not really making time for me, so...I'm going to do what I want. And that is possibly not him if he doesn't want to make me a priority.

#3: The Nerdy Engineer (Turning 30 soon!)

This guy got divorced a while ago. He got a raw deal from his ex-wife, from the sounds of it. He's sexy, shy and sweet. What is nice about him is that he really seems to understand this whole what-its-like-to-be-divorced thing and we had a good repertoire together--laughing, telling nerdy jokes, talking about science. He and I have a lot in common and I know he'd be a very traditional boyfriend albeit a bit quirky and nerdy. In a few ways he reminds me of #1 but slightly more shy. After a drink on Wednesday, he sent me an email to say that he had a really good time and wanted to see me again, maybe even tonight or tomorrow. He's definitely someone that I would enjoy getting to know better.

#4: Mr. Office Space (Late Twenties)

Mr. Office Space is the dark horse of the group. He's quirky but cool. He talked a little about how he's adopted when I asked him about his family. I sort of have a soft spot for him because of that. I am not sure that I'm attracted to him, though. He made a few comments when we were out for a drink that made him seem like a total cheapskate. He did tip the waiter appropriately, though.

For Kate

2006-11-02T10:46:00.000-08:00

xoxo,
Maddie

Not bad for a Tuesday

2006-10-31T21:08:00.000-08:00

A Third Medical School Calls My Name

...and it's like a prayer. Hell yeah. You can put one on the board.....yeeeessss!!!
This will be my THIRD interview. Hopefully I will get ONE out of THREE of these schools to accept me, and then I will KNOW that I'm gonna be an MD!

Exclusivity Agreement?

So the hot firefighter wants us to only see each other....he is a total sweetheart, and I'm flattered that he wants me to be his girl, so to speak.

He totally puts me in my place sometimes, too, when I start to push him a little, and he's so masculine and tough. I am transfixed by this different dynamic but also feel slightly miffed when he does it. My gut is telling me that he has the potential to step on my toes a LOT because he just says things without thinking. .

We'll see--I don't know where this thing with him will go because we are so different, but we do have a lot in common, too. I am definitely willing to keep it casual but simple--even if it just ends up being a sex thing, I could use some good, consistent sex in my life, that is for sure.

Now to completely contradict myself, when I typed that, and read over it, I just felt so...unsure. Can I have sex without loving the guy? Can I simply care about him and remain in a space comfortably distant from them, despite the fact that we're coming together in one of the closest ways possible?? Does B have to be a guy I could see myself with for me to have sex with him?

I'm just going to take it slow and keep focusing on all of the fun things in my life, and if this becomes something great with him, then fine. If not, it was another fun thing to add to the list. Since I have so many questions still about him, I'm thinking that the best way to solve it is not by getting freaky/naked/etc.

Chicago Love Rules 101

2006-10-30T20:02:00.000-08:00

Can our preppy Downtown girl find love with a hot, rough Southsider?

So I went on a date with a firefighter from the south side of Chi-town. He's a big Sox fan, and could definitely be found at Comiskey when the Sox are at home. He plays baseball and basketball when he's not at the station. When he opens his mouth, the accent just pours out--he's from a place where the street names are actually numbers and everyone in the neighborhood knows everyone else.

Traditionally, southsiders are blue-collar, and those of us in downtown are a big mix. Like, I don't find $950 unreasonable for a gorgeous studio with a city view. There is a part of me that wants to live more where the "regular" working people live, because that is who I grew up around. It is not so much that I feel like an "imposter" around the CPA's, attorneys, and corporate big-wigs in their perfectly starched suits ($19 for dry cleaning? Are you fucking kidding me??!) by day and their $300 jeans and Kenneth Cole blazers at night, it's that I know I just don't fit into that.

For whatever reason, it's a little sexy that this guy works so hard and is so manly. It is awesome when a man has a job he feels proud of, something he loves doing. It shows through him that he lives a purposeful life, that he isn't wasting his days at work.

We'll see about a second date, huh?